What's a good way to create positive tension?


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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #1  April 8,2011, 7:10pm
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I was reading an eHarmony article (3 Steps To Stop A Man From Withdrawing | advice.eharmony.com), and I was just wondering peoples' thoughts on this. Do you think it's true? If so, what are some ways to create that positive tension (obviously not negative tension, that's no good!)?

I'm just curious because I'm at a point where I'm finished with school, working part time, and going on interviews and applying for full time jobs. The guy I'm dating (I guess I can call it "dating" after five dates?) is finishing up his second year of law school; the semester's done in May so it's crunch time. While he's really busy almost all the time now, there are times when I'm not. I feel (and am probably over-thinking this, but who knows) that I might be coming on a bit strong, mostly because if I'm bored I'll find myself texting him. Or, for example, I know he's super busy this weekend, so I asked what he's up to Sunday. He said it depends how much work he gets done on his paper tonight and Saturday. I said, "Oh okay, well if you want to grab a drink Sunday let me know. I'm working, but I'll try to pencil you in. " (the "pencil you in" thing was obviously meant in no way to be rude or anything like that, we both have the same slightly sarcastic type of humor).

I'll send a text like that, thinking it's fun and flirty, then second guess myself. Other than the obvious advice of "turn off the phone!", does anyone have any other suggestions?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  April 8,2011, 7:20pm
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I vaguely remember surface tension from chemistry class ...

So, I guess you want to ask about your partner being busy? Yes, that's believable. I had a partner in law school, and busyness intruded. I accepted it, no problem.

You could get a hobby?

Motorcycle racing is an excellent hobby! Great for consuming large amounts of time (and money, but so what?)
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #3  April 8,2011, 7:50pm
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Haha I do need a hobby.

I totally believe his busyness, it's not like I think he's making it up or anything. He'll chat with me online while he's in class and stuff, so it's not like he doesn't want to talk to me or see me and is using it as an excuse. I just have an tendency to view it like, "Well if he wanted to see me, he'd make time." Of course, men don't think as women do, which can be hard to remember.

So yes, definitely trying to create "surface tension," as you called it, to stop from coming on too strong.

Also, totally unrelated, but just a thought - we met on OkCupid, and I just changed my settings to see who's been looking at my profile, and he's been looking at it (last time was this morning at 3am). As I mentioned in a different post, neither of us has mentioned our profiles, or taking them down or anything (he's changed his "Looking For" to "New friends" only). Weird..
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #4  April 8,2011, 8:00pm
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clover87 wrote :
I just have an tendency to view it like, "Well if he wanted to see me, he'd make time." Of course, men don't think as women do, which can be hard to remember.
So yes, definitely trying to create "surface tension," as you called it, to stop from coming on too strong.
I think I know what you mean with this, Clover. You're at that stage where you really want to talk to/email/text him, but you're pretty much having to sit on your hands to stop doing that. You get to that point where you start to second-guess everything, thinking "maybe he thinks I am not interested, and I should contact him...", even though you know he said he is busy. But, the cool part is, when the guy really likes you, just when you're at that point where you think you've blown it and you're not going to hear from him again... suddenly you do! Those are the best times.

The not so great times are when you don't contact him, and he doesn't contact you either. At those times, you just have to remind yourself that if he was interested, he would have called you anyway. Yeah, the phone works both ways, but I don't think there is any guy here who will honestly say he had to be "reminded" how much he likes a girl.
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #5  April 8,2011, 8:05pm
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mitchell175 wrote :
But, the cool part is, when the guy really likes you, just when you're at that point where you think you've blown it and you're not going to hear from him again... suddenly you do! Those are the best times.
You're totally right, and I do love those times. Then I always feel like a loony bin for having started to freak out from not hearing from him.

Sitting on my hands it is... Haha. I guess a good way to start is leaving my phone in the back while I'm at work this weekend. And not mentioning hanging out Sunday again unless he brings it up.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #6  April 9,2011, 7:42am
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clover87 wrote :
You're totally right, and I do love those times. Then I always feel like a loony bin for having started to freak out from not hearing from him.
Been There. Done That.
wrote :
Sitting on my hands it is... Haha. I guess a good way to start is leaving my phone in the back while I'm at work this weekend. And not mentioning hanging out Sunday again unless he brings it up.
Hand sitting!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  April 9,2011, 7:59am
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While I am a big proponent of the theory that you make time for what is important in your life, such as a relationship, you do have to put everything on a schedule. If I have told someone that I am very busy for some specified time (crunch time at the end of a semester) and they continue to interrupt me (sending text messages) I will become quite irritated.

Your behavior is actually quite clingy and is in fact sending a clear message that you have no life outside of this guy. Is that really the message you want to send to him. As others have said get a hobby.
 
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