Go out with him again or not?


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lynn_79 is offline lynn_79 Post #1  April 8,2011, 11:25am
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I have been extremely indecisive about a guy I've gone out with twice. The first time, we met for coffee and he seemed okay. I decided to give it another go and try a second date - dinner. That went well also. I've been trying to figure out if I want to go out again, and he seems very interested. The problem is that I don't think I'm attracted to him. There is a bit of an age gap - around 8 years. He tends to drop comments and then say 'that may be before your time.' Physically, he's not a bad looking guy, I just don't feel that chemistry there pushing me to want to get to know him.

This is driving me nuts. Here is a guy who is interested in me, but I seem to lack the motivation to get to know him. There are no other guys currently who I am interested in. So, I keep thinking, should I go out with him again just because I'm lonely? Should I just say thank you, but I'm not interested? This has been plaguing me for the last 2 weeks, and I can't seem to respond to his last email. Help!
 
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jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #2  April 8,2011, 11:42am
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Sounds to me like you're not interested. Don't waste his time (or yours) by going on more dates. If you have to ask this question, seems like you already (really) know your answer.


lynn_79 wrote :
I have been extremely indecisive about a guy I've gone out with twice. The first time, we met for coffee and he seemed okay. I decided to give it another go and try a second date - dinner. That went well also. I've been trying to figure out if I want to go out again, and he seems very interested. The problem is that I don't think I'm attracted to him. There is a bit of an age gap - around 8 years. He tends to drop comments and then say 'that may be before your time.' Physically, he's not a bad looking guy, I just don't feel that chemistry there pushing me to want to get to know him.

This is driving me nuts. Here is a guy who is interested in me, but I seem to lack the motivation to get to know him. There are no other guys currently who I am interested in. So, I keep thinking, should I go out with him again just because I'm lonely? Should I just say thank you, but I'm not interested? This has been plaguing me for the last 2 weeks, and I can't seem to respond to his last email. Help!
 
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pisto is offline pisto Post #3  April 8,2011, 1:07pm
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It seems obvious to me you don't really want to go out with him romantically. So unless you want something casual, let it be.
 
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OlderButWiser0549 is online now OlderButWiser0549 Post #4  April 8,2011, 1:38pm
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The only question that makes sense, really, is do you want to go out with him again? If you do, go. If you don't, don't go.

No one else can make that decision for you.

I have to admit, the 'that may be before your time' bit could get really old, really fast...
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  April 8,2011, 1:44pm
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If you were to go out with him again I would go because you're open to the fact that things may be evolving slowly, not just because you're lonely.

I do though think you bring up a hard thing, and one that I struggle with as well. How long do you keep getting to know a person, when you're on the fence, to decide if something is or isn't there. I feel like by date 3 or 4 if nothing hasn't developed I stop seeing them because I personally have never found myself able to build chemistry over time. Usually if it's not there in the first couple of dates it NEVER happens and I find myself stuck in a situation where I like the person but know there is no romantic connection there, but have a hard time breaking it off with them because I don't want to hurt them.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #6  April 8,2011, 1:53pm
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boschimsp wrote :
How long do you keep getting to know a person, when you're on the fence, to decide if something is or isn't there.
This is a really hard and personal question but my own gauge is, after each progressive date, do I feel myself becoming closer to the guy, further from the guy, or staying the same. Unless I feel myself becoming closer to the guy, after 3 or 4 dates, I'd call it quits.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #7  April 8,2011, 4:28pm
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I don't know enough about your background but I would say:

If you generally have a good "picker" (choose decent stable guys who treat you well), then pass.

If you have a broken picker, you SHOULD go out with him again because your EH response could be due to a lack of drama and he seems boring. Or because you aren't used to someone stable & mild mannered rather than the bad boy roller coaster.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  April 8,2011, 5:08pm
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There are some people here who give versions of "at first I was not attracted, but they became more attractive as I got to know them." So, if you like the way the person treats you, and they seem compatible, it may be worth a try.

That hasn't ever worked out, for me, though.

Another way to look at it is to let the person know that you're not interested, but would enjoy some "social dates" until either of you finds a partner (might or might not be intimate, which would be the "friend with benefit.") Not everybody can do that, of course.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #9  April 8,2011, 6:13pm
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This is such a hard question, because, on the one hand, you don't want to write a nice guy off in case there could be something. The "definite nos" are always easy to spot. It's the "iffy" ones that make you ask these questions.

Keep us posted on what you plan to do.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  April 9,2011, 5:28am
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I would delete their number and move on. Too lacking in interest means you will waste his time and yours.
 
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