New Rule of Dating #2: Taking Things Personally


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  April 7,2011, 1:53pm
eHA_Admin_Lor…'s Avatar

My one wish for you, is love. :)

Moderator

Joined: Nov 2008

Santa Monica, CA

Posts: 5,120

See profile

I am TOTALLY loving this new blog by our editor, Jeannie. Seriously, if everyone followed these rules, I think everyone's dating experience would be SO much better.

While we of course welcome and encourage your comments on the blog post itself, I thought this topic was worthy enough of a close look at each of these four new rules on their own.

So, without further ado:

Do you take things too personally in dating? Are you able to let things roll off your back and take them as a learning experience?

To what extent do you think the people you date are able to do this?
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  April 7,2011, 3:20pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

generally, no, but i encounter a lot of men that do. they get angry when you tell them you arent interested or say things like "why arent you giving me a chance"

its actually doesnt only reflect badly on them, its a bit scary to boot.
 
  Reply With Quote
Xable is offline Xable Post #3  April 7,2011, 4:23pm
Xable's Avatar

gives up.

Virtuoso

Joined: Mar 2010

Texas

Posts: 2,607

See profile

Nanette, this is something I have heard you and several other women comment on. Now, I don't have any experience rejecting men in this regard, so perhaps if I am ever in this position I will experience it, but it puts me of mind of a phenomena I encountered at work.

We had a help desk at our office to deal with customers and sometimes the only thing we could say to them was "no." We simply could not help them with their problem. Every once in a while I would be up front and would listen in to the girls field these calls and the girls would tell them exactly what they were suppose to but the customer would argue and argue with them.

Finally, they would pass the phone over to me and I would tell them, verbatim, what the girl before said. However, suddenly, the person accepted it and let it go.

The girls were always baffled by how I or a few other people could say "no" and not have any problem with the customer and yet other girls would say "no" and have all sorts of problem getting the customer to believe that "no" means "no".

It came down to *how* we said it. Our tone, our confidence level, clearly conveyed that this was the final answer and there was no wiggle room.

Seeing you on this forum, I find is surprising that you would have this problem as you come off very strong and confident. But I'm just wondering out loud here... If a girl seems wishy washy I can see a guy trying to convince her otherwise.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  April 7,2011, 4:27pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,677

See profile

I have been known to take it personally when I was lied to.

Over time I've learned to discount what people say, and focus on what they do. I also stand my ground on my beliefs. I am more patient, too.

Taken together, those adaptations have helped me get past being bothered by people.

(I don't especially like that I have to distrust such a large segment of the population, though, to get to a point of being able to accept the deficient characters.)
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  April 7,2011, 4:32pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,677

See profile

To take up the comments from Nanette and Xable:

One reason for this phenomenom is that a woman has faked interest, or a man has misjudged interest as being there when it is not.

Meanwhile, he has acted on his (faulty) conclusion of interest, and over-invested. He put too much skin in the game, possible got exploited, and now wants the debtor to pay up.
 
  Reply With Quote
FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #6  April 7,2011, 4:52pm
FaintestInkli…'s Avatar

Veteran

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 1,105

See profile

I have certainly never reacted by saying, "why won't you give me a chance" or gotten angry to someone who rejects me.

But I do take rejection personally. How else can one take it?

The most important thing in the world to a single man is whether a woman he finds attractive (for whatever reason or reasons) finds him attractive.

I know you're not "supposed" to take rejection this way, but when I hear, "you're such a nice guy, but we have no chemistry" --- what I hear is usually something like:

"after spending only the length of time it takes to eat a meal with you, I have come to the conclusion that you are such a inferior male specimen that I can completely rule you out as a potential partner and don't really need to think about it anymore. You seem basically honest, and vaguely socially functional. If you were an accountant, I'd probably let you do my taxes. If you were a plumber, I'd probably let you unclog my toilet. But in no possible universe would I ever want to have sex with you, so I really can't see myself ever valuing you as a man."

I am obviously exaggerating to make my point.

But I can sit around til the cows come home, and read the message-boards and talk to every person with any common sense who will listen, and they'll all say you shouldn't take it that way, and I can be logical with myself, and talk myself out of feeling that way---but that's how it feels, viscerally.

Even if I haven't made up my own mind about a girl, it still upsets me (and in some ways, might even feel worse) --- like "you reject me?" What makes you think you're so great? I wanted to have a second date to learn more about you, so I could make up my mind, but you're so sure there's something wrong with me and you can do better, you don't even need more time, huh?

This is all very negative and illogical, but that is the emotional reaction I typically experience, at least initially.

I know there's the whole deal about, "it's not a rejection of you as a person, it's just a lack of chemistry, which is beyond everyone's control" blah blah blah. As reasonable as that may be, it rarely makes me feel better.
Last edited by FaintestInkling; April 7,2011 at 5:02pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #7  April 7,2011, 4:52pm
SteveManchest…'s Avatar

is too happy

Power Poster

Joined: Dec 2010

rainy uk

Posts: 5,026

See profile

I only take it personally when I'm messed around or lied to.

For example the girl I met a couple of years back who at the end of our meeting flirted with me and asked what our plans were/where do we go from here. So I took this at face value and tried to arrange another date with her only to be messed around.

I didn't give her any abuse though. But when I got a text message the following day rejecting me I replied "good" which was exactly what I thought. I assumed she had just played with me to see if I was interested and to get a kick out of it for her ego rather than any genuine interest in me.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; April 7,2011 at 4:56pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #8  April 7,2011, 5:08pm
j0hn8andy's Avatar

.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2009

California

Posts: 5,104

See profile

Oh, yes; I take it personally.

Dating has always been a means to an end for me; the end has always been marriage.

If and when I get to the point where I want that again...I will not waste either my time or that of a man...if I honestly cannot see a future with him.

That's just about as "personal" as it can get.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; April 7,2011 at 7:57pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #9  April 7,2011, 5:36pm
mitchell175's Avatar

mixing metaphors in a mellifluous melange of malapropisms

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2010

Boston, MA... or thereabouts

Posts: 6,392

See profile

Xable wrote :
Finally, they would pass the phone over to me and I would tell them, verbatim, what the girl before said. However, suddenly, the person accepted it and let it go.

It came down to *how* we said it. Our tone, our confidence level, clearly conveyed that this was the final answer and there was no wiggle room.
I work in a place where we field a lot of customer calls and sometimes product complaints. I hear Customer Service telling these customers over and over again "no", and then finally they go on to the supervisor, or to Tech Services, who tell them the exact same thing, and the customer leaves "satisfied".

Sometimes, it's not just being told "differently", but simply by "someone else". Too bad we can't sometimes do that with our dates.

Makes you think fondly of those days in Junior High when you could get your best friend to break up with the guy you didn't want to "go out with" anymore...
 
  Reply With Quote
mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #10  April 7,2011, 5:44pm
mitchell175's Avatar

mixing metaphors in a mellifluous melange of malapropisms

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2010

Boston, MA... or thereabouts

Posts: 6,392

See profile

eHA_Admin_Lori wrote :
Do you take things too personally in dating?
How can you not? When you are dating someone, or even just trying to date someone, or hoping to date someone, it is personal. I was just giving some private advice to someone about "not taking it personally" and not to get your hopes up until there is something to be hopeful about, and I really do believe that... but at the same time I felt a little false because I do that, too!

What do we have, if we don't have "hope"?

wrote :
Are you able to let things roll off your back and take them as a learning experience?
Eventually, yes. Everyone has had disappointments in dating/relationships, but if you spend your whole life dwelling on them and questioning "why?" you'll never find the answers you seek anyway, and you're just going to end up bitter, jaded and alone. Instead of asking "Why?", ask yourself "What next?".

wrote :
To what extent do you think the people you date are able to do this?
I could not say, but if I had to guess, I would say about the same as me. If you're not taking anything "personally", what is the point of putting yourself out there and dating?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« New Rule of Dating #4: Your Best | Dating | The Top 10 Guide to Dating in Houston »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
The important things RoxyRedhead Dating 31 February 27,2010 2:10pm
Is There Something Dating Articles Aren't Telling Women? outlaw1 A Man's Point of view 22 August 12,2009 8:04am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did answer and then also updated with news that I was premature - there is no relationship after all.” –  picklesNcream

Join the “Blast off...!” discussion

“For dating. I'm basically in a (lifelong) rut that I would like to get out of. Sadly, my good friends are also in the same place as I am - if not worse. The topic of women is non existent among ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “So I've been thinking about getting a coach.” discussion

“I need some advice. I'm 18, never kissed/dated a girl nor obviously had a girlfriend. I just finished my first year at a top 30 university (full ride scholarship) with a 4.0 GPA. Starting my ... ” –  jrw93

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“The point is no me seeing their photos, I can see their photos; it is them seeing my photos. This means nothing can be gauged by any interest they show to you. On FCW I've noticed the non-paying ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“TD, Have you PM'd eH_Advice_Host_Eve to ask her for help? She is good at helping people tweak their settings so they are more likely to get the results they want. Please consider contacting her if ... ” –  tink333

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Did you know OT stands for on topic and off topic?” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Off -Topic” discussion

“My inner child says I am. Anastasia is intriguing. (Her name too). I like the dress she's wearing in the ad. I wonder how eHarmony picks the couples for their print and TV ads.” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Where is Becky?!?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 4:59am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0