New Rule of Dating #2: Taking Things Personally


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Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #31  April 8,2011, 7:44pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
And to get back on topic:
Sassafras54 wrote :

Sorry, Sassafras, I did kinda fly off on a tangent there didn’t I, LOL!

Do you take things too personally in dating?

This is one of those areas where my boss would say I have opportunity for improvement, LOL! I do take rejection personally, not just in my personal life, but in my professional life too. I detest failure of any kind. So when a person “implies” that I don’t measure up it is more than a little smudge on my self image. I honestly wish that wasn’t the case because once someone discovers they can manipulate you through your sense of self image the games are on.

Are you able to let things roll off your back and take them as a learning experience?

No. I don’t like the way “life” teaches us, particularly when it comes to lessons in romance. Can you imagine a High School teacher presenting you a test on material you have never been exposed to then giving you a failing grade because you didn’t know the answers? Of course not, but that is the “typical lesson in love” - - you get all the answers when the exam is over and are made to feel stupid and inadequate because you couldn’t figure things out while the test was taking place.

To what extent do you think the people you date are able to do this?

It seems to me that guys are better able to not take reject personally than women, but the previous post that I responded to would indicate otherwise so it is probably just a matter of individual perspective and generalizations don’t really apply.

What's too personal?

Even if the person dishing out the rejection doesn’t mean it personally there really isn’t any other way rejection is going to be received! You know when you go for a job interview and don’t get the job it is because they either didn’t like you enough or there was someone more qualified (usually the former). The same thing goes for getting rejected by a date. It is sad, but more than likely, you are going to get dumped if you don’t immediately peg their, “Rock-My-World” meter. If they are NOT smiling, laughing, and having the greatest time ever then life is about to teach you another one of those lessons that doesn’t roll off your back like pond water on a mallard.

Dating is personal!

Maybe the problem is sometimes failing to recognize that the other person is an entire universe unto themselves, with their own POV, feelings, history, attitudes, beliefs -- and when he says "I don't want to date you because you're white" (or whatever the reason is) -- that's his POV, not a reflection on me.

When I was in college I had a White guy tell me one time that he couldn’t date me because I am White. LOL! Anyway, I agree that the rejection ultimately is about the other person and their criteria and not you, but that doesn’t stop it from feeling like it is all about you.

So I don't need to have feelings about it ... but I might anyway! because ... it's personal!


Hope I stayed on topic this time.

Best of luck!
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #32  April 8,2011, 8:49pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Why call it an exaggeration, when that is essentially exactly what is happening? (Or, she may not really find you unacceptable, she just has other, better, options.)

In any case, aren't you doing the same thing? I sure am, when I reject someone.

Yes, that's why I called it an exaggeration, actually --- because there is a chance the woman in question might think, "he's basically great, as a man, but Guy A from yesterday is still greater and I'm not the type to keep multi-dating ..."

However, I have rarely been under the impression that a woman's decision is based on direct-competition, especially given the "single's market" where I live ... I think it's usually more "hypothetical" (i.e. "imaginary") competition from either the guy who might exist (or in many cases, an ex).

I guess I am doing the same, in the sense that any woman I do not ask out, I am rejecting "as a woman" as being unattractive and not valued by me. So if these women were specifically thinking about that fact (the fact that I am choosing to not ask them out), they would have a "right" to take it personally.

I would have no way of knowing if a woman who was "secretly attracted" to me who wanted me to ask her out, but never verbalized or otherwise expressed this was upset that I was rejecting her though, and the one time I have ever been asked-out by a woman in person, I accepted.

Since I only ask out women I am already physically attracted to, and I rarely encounter a major "dealbreaker" in the course of one date, I virtually always wanted a second date, so I am not in the position of rejecting her, to know if she would take it personally (i.e. as a rejection of her "as a woman").

If women were asking me out, and I was saying "no," that would be another story .... Even online, the requests I get are virtually always from single mothers, and I respond by saying, "Please don't take this personally, but I am not prepared to date someone with children, at the point I am at in my life."

They do not appear to take this personally (as they shouldn't).
Last edited by FaintestInkling; April 8,2011 at 8:54pm.
 
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