New Rule of Dating #1: Your Word


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  April 7,2011, 1:49pm
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I am TOTALLY loving this new blog by our editor, Jeannie. Seriously, if everyone followed these rules, I think everyone's dating experience would be SO much better.

While we of course welcome and encourage your comments on the blog post itself, I thought this topic was worthy enough of a close look at each of these four new rules on their own.

So, without further ado:

In dating, are you impeccable with your word? Do you say what you mean? Are you careful about what you say? Do you speak truthfully and honestly?

And, to what extent (on a percentage basis) do you think the people you date are impeccable with THEIR word?
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #2  April 7,2011, 4:29pm
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I am pleased to say that, unless my memory is being very selective tonight, I do not believe that I have ever outright lied to a date or match.

The closet I have come to being "dishonest" is if someone asks the question about "what have you learned from past relationships" OR "how have your romantic relationships traditionally ended" I say, "I haven't had enough past relationships to generalize any one pattern from them" (because I haven't had any).

As for my dates' "words" --- I really wonder if people are "lying," or if they just change their mind.

For example, I have literally never said, "I will call you" and not done it, or "we should do this again next week" and not meant it.

Yes, it's a normal thing to "lie about" but I think every woman I have ever dated has said, "she really had a good time and would like to get together again" --- and I've only ever been on two second dates.

Furthermore, many actually agree to specific plans for the second date, and cancel at the last minute. This is relatively harmless dishonesty, and I don't think much of it, but it does kind of baffle/annoy me.

In the worst case, I did have a girl I date for about 7 weeks tell me in late-December 2010, "she can't imagine not wanting to be with me indefinitely" and then reveal to me January 6 (three months ago, now): "she had kind of been hanging out with another guy" "while I was busy" but it "wasn't cheating because she hadn't kissed him yet"--- and when I reacted adversely to this and broke up with her, she and he changed their relationships statuses on Facebook as "in a relationship" a few days later ....

Two weeks ago, went on a great first date, made plans for a second ... the girl writes on her (open so anyone can see it) Facebook wall something like "had a brilliant, awesome first date! He was super-cute and wants to see me again next week!"

Then told me a day before in an e-mail (coldly) "Please disregard all plans for a second date. After thinking about it, we have no chemistry and never will."

Anyway ....

Despite all that, I actually think most of the people I have dated are not truly dishonest, they are just extremely indecisive. I actually think most of them mean what they say at the time, and change their minds later .... unfortunately, although wishy-washiness is not as bad as deceptiveness, I don't respect fickleness either, and it seems quite prevalent .... at least among the women I'm apparently tending to ask out ....
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  April 7,2011, 4:39pm
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I am honest enough it is surely doing me more harm than good (i.e., I'm sure I've hurt some feelings with more bluntness than may have been absolutely necessary.)

But, at least I don't have to worry about remembering stuff I made up (it's hard enough to remember stuff I didn't make up.) It also means I don't have to worry about the truth coming out in the future.

My experience is like FaintestInkling: most women I have met lied (90% plus, and that's counting only the ones I caught in the lies.)

What makes that so dissapointing, is that it just rarely ever matters.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #4  April 7,2011, 4:48pm
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I had a date planned last year, I remember it well because I met the woman on the sunday and I thought we had a connection. So we planned a date in the week (on my birthday) and she cancelled by text on the morning of our date with one of those lame excuses about "not being ready to date". Crushing. I was extremely hurt by it because I had cancelled other options in order to spend that evening with her. It was the time wasting that annoyed me.

So I can relate to these people who plan a 2nd date and then get a last minute cancellation.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; April 7,2011 at 4:55pm.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  April 7,2011, 4:58pm
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It's been a long time since I was dating.

But I'm pretty direct. At my age, I really can't afford to waste my time. I know myself well enough to know what I want and need, and what I have to give.

I won't waste a man's time...if he isn't it.

While I wouldn't call either my word or anybody else's word...impeccable...

I really can't think when is the last time I have been disappointed by anybody.

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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #6  April 7,2011, 5:24pm
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FaintestInkling wrote :
Despite all that, I actually think most of the people I have dated are not truly dishonest, they are just extremely indecisive. I actually think most of them mean what they say at the time, and change their minds later .... unfortunately, although wishy-washiness is not as bad as deceptiveness, I don't respect fickleness either, and it seems quite prevalent ....
^^^^ This.

I say what I mean, and mean what I say. But, I have come to learn that not everyone does.

For instance, I was emailing with a guy from OKC last week. We made a "date" for this Friday (tomorrow). We didn't finalize the time or the place, but the "date" was set. I haven't heard from him since last week. So, I would say that we are NOT in fact going out tomorrow. It's not that I thought this guy was the be-all and end-all. But, he seemed nice, and funny, and on paper anyway we seemed to have some things in common. All week, I was thinking "I have a date on Friday". Well, apparently not.

And, it's funny, because I didn't mention this date to anyone. Almost like I was so convinced that you can't ever take other people at their word, that I didn't want to lose face by having to tell people "Well, no, he poofed on me and so we never went out".

Is there any dating rule on that blog about "trusting your gut instincts"? Because that's another good one.
 
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harleyjane is offline harleyjane Post #7  April 7,2011, 6:42pm
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Mitchell175: I do the same thing! I don't tell but one person when I meet someone online. It just never works out and although I know it's not me, when it happens repeatedly it might look like it is me! And who wants to have to tell that same story over and over

Being able to trust someone at their word is everything! I even have it on my profile on what I'm looking for. I keep my word-even when it's hard. I expect the same from the men I meet, but most of the time it's empty promises.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #8  April 8,2011, 2:18am
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I'm the same, I don't count on people sticking to dates so I don't tell my friends much about someone until it's become regular and the person I've been seeing has turned out to be reliable.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  April 8,2011, 6:52am
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I don't lie regardless if it is dating or any other situation. An aside - the term "impeccable with your word" comes from a book which the title and author escapes me at the moment. As that author defined the term it is basically impossible for any human to achieve, including the author and that was the first problem that I had with his concepts.

I am much more considered in what I write than what I say. Writing I have the opportunity to carefully consider and choose the best word for the situation. People get impatient when you stop talking to think about exactly what word to say to best convey what you are trying to say.

I would have to say that based on MY dating experience it was a very rare occurrence when any of my matches / dates did not lie. Probably about 99%. The most common example would be that they expressed interest in a second date at the end of the first yet were never to be heard from again or in a few instances canceled out on their desire to go on a second date.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  April 8,2011, 6:53am
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Removed the duplicate post.
Last edited by Gr8Guyn2008; April 8,2011 at 6:54am. Reason: Duplicate post :(
 
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