When they mention the ex?


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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #1  April 4,2011, 7:54pm
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I've posted a couple of times about the guy I've been on five dates with. Friday was the most recent, and it was great. He called last night and said he has a huge paper for law school due soon, so he'll be really busy this week, but he'll try to make time this weekend to go out, and he'll let me know.

He also mentioned during the phone call that he'd been hanging out with friends earlier that evening, and saw his friend's girlfriend, who he hadn't seen in a while. He said he was updating her on his life, and she asked what was going on with his ex. He said he told her, "Oh, Jeff didn't tell you? We don't talk anymore." It struck me as a bit odd for him to mention this to me. Then I remembered that Friday night, we were at a bar, and he stopped short and then said, "Oh..." I asked what was up, and he said, "Oh no, I thought that was my ex for a second... I was going to say that we have to leave." The first time he picked me up for a date, he asked me if I knew so and so (who ended up being his ex), because she lived near me (no, I don't know her).

Is this weird? He'd mentioned another ex once who lived near where I went to college (we were talking about accents, and his comment was totally in context, about how she had an accent from that city). But am I thinking too much into this? Was last night some sort of weird way to try and assure me that he's over her/doesn't talk to her, considering what happened at the bar on Friday? Or is he really not over it?

It just seems to me like a total faux pas to talk about an ex; I certainly never mention my exes if I don't have to. The last thing I want is to be a rebound... Though I met him online, so he was actively looking for someone (of course, it might be to try to get over this girl). Everything else is fine, and he seems very into me.

The only thing I can figure out to do is if he mentions her again, casually say, "You seem to mention her a lot." It just strikes me as... weird.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #2  April 4,2011, 8:12pm
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clover87 wrote :
It just seems to me like a total faux pas to talk about an ex; I certainly never mention my exes if I don't have to.
Exes will usually come up at one point or another, but this guy seems to be making a point to bring her up repeatedly, which may not be a good sign. Asking you if you know her, or telling you the story of how he told the friend that "we don't talk anymore" means she is on his mind. Most guys will go out of their way not to bring up the ex, at least for a while.

I dated a guy recently who was driving this total pimp-mobile of a car, and he used to make fun of it all the time. (It was a purplish Cadillac from the 80's - pretty funny!) I asked him where he got that car, and he got a funny look on his face. I'm thinking, What? He used to be a drug dealer? Then, he said "Well, I don't really want to talk about my ex-wife on our date..." Turns out, he inherited the car from his former father in law. I didn't know, and had just asked an innocent question. But, he tried to make a point NOT to talk about his ex. Your guy keeps going out of his way to bring her up.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  April 4,2011, 8:16pm
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From what you've told me, I wouldn't read too much into it; none of it would upset me.

The only thing might be the least bit odd is him thinking he should leave the bar...but I'd be inclined to let that go, too.

Your saying this:

clover87 wrote :
The only thing I can figure out to do is if he mentions her again, casually say, "You seem to mention her a lot." It just strikes me as... weird.
...might make him feel a little...defensive...but I'm sure you know best.

j8a
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #4  April 4,2011, 8:18pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
...might make him feel a little...defensive...but I'm sure you know best.
Yeah, that's my concern. But I've been the "rebound" girl, and it's not something I want to deal with again.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #5  April 4,2011, 8:25pm
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Last edited by mitchell175; April 5,2011 at 10:27am. Reason: back from a trip to modland...
 
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deluxe is offline deluxe Post #6  April 4,2011, 8:33pm
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"we were at a bar, and he stopped short and then said, "Oh..." I asked what was up, and he said, "Oh no, I thought that was my ex for a second... I was going to say that we have to leave."

I would've asked, "Why, does she have a restraining order on you?"
That is just so odd I wouldn't have been able to let that go without an explanation.
Last edited by deluxe; April 4,2011 at 8:35pm. Reason: sic
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #7  April 4,2011, 8:40pm
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I honestly was just so surprised that I didn't know what to say. I mean, I myself have a horrible ex, and if I saw him somewhere I'd run as fast as I could in the other direction. It makes me wonder if she did something to him, or he did something to her (cheated, something like that). Or if it would just be him showing up with a new girl.

No idea when they broke up, either.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #8  April 5,2011, 3:07am
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clover87 wrote :
...He also mentioned during the phone call that he'd been hanging out with friends earlier that evening, and saw his friend's girlfriend, who he hadn't seen in a while. He said he was updating her on his life, and she asked what was going on with his ex. He said he told her, "Oh, Jeff didn't tell you? We don't talk anymore." It struck me as a bit odd for him to mention this to me.
He's not over his ex because he is telling you about this conversation he had with a 3rd party. Thus it's important to him. If it was trivia he wouldn't have told you. Also if he wanted to create a good impression to you, he would not be telling you stuff like this.


clover87 wrote :
... Then I remembered that Friday night, we were at a bar, and he stopped short and then said, "Oh..." I asked what was up, and he said, "Oh no, I thought that was my ex for a second... I was going to say that we have to leave.".....

Is this weird? ....
I'd find it insulting and it sounds immature. "I was going to say that we have to leave" doesn't even suggest he was thinking about anyone but himself.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  April 5,2011, 3:10am
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clover87 wrote :
....No idea when they broke up, either.
so, they could have broke up last week or last month? and do you know how long they were together? All this information is stuff I'd establish as soon as possible when dating because I've seen this many times before. Bitter folk who are only one foot out of their previous relationship inflicting their misery and confused emotions on the next people they date instead of sorting their heads out first.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; April 5,2011 at 3:15am.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #10  April 5,2011, 3:34am
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Clover,

I think the reason he told you about his conversation with his friend where he specifically said, "We don't talk anymore" was his way of letting you know that all contact has ended. I also believe his underlying motivation in telling you that is that you have nothing to worry about.

I also believe there's nothing wrong with casually mentioning an ex when it is appropriate for the context of a conversation. What matters is what is actually said, and any specific feelings the speaker conveys while saying it. If you can tell the content is neutral and simply informational, it's nothing. If there are still strong emotions behind it, all baggage has not been packed and locked yet.

That doesn't mean you should stop seeing someone whose baggage is still open. It just means keep your eyes open and make sure their focus is more on you than on who came before.

We all have exes, and it's not reasonable to expect that we NEVER talk about them ever. It's all in how it comes up, what is said, and how it is said.

As always, actions speak louder than words, so watch his actions - that will tell you what you need to know.
 
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