"You're really nice, but..."


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RogueDesigner is offline RogueDesigner Post #1  April 4,2011, 7:36pm
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Does anyone else get this one all the time? I've been out on a few dates now - broke up with my ex at this point almost two years ago, and after close to a year I decided to try my hand at the dating scene again. On almost every date I've been on, this is the reaction I get.. usually in the form of a text. A week or more later.

"Hey, I just wanted to let you know I had a good time. You're really nice and we have a lot of things in common. But there just wasn't any chemistry. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Good luck."

Now, to be up front, I am overweight. However, I'm very clear about it on my profile, including a full-body picture so that people can see my height-weight proportions. I do this to weed out anyone who isn't interested in someone who's heavier. I make it clear in my profile that I'm trying to become a healthier person, but that it's a work in progress. So I don't think the rejections have to do with that. I try to dress nicely, in a way that expresses my personality and flatters my figure. I wear makeup and do my hair on dates - I don't show up looking like a bum!

The only thing I can figure out is that I'm just not good at being a flirty date. I'm an Aquarius - I start with my head, and move from there. When I meet someone, I talk to them like I would anyone else I was first meeting.. I try to be honest, interesting, and at least a little amusing. I like to talk about books, gaming, or any of the other hobbies that we probably have in common (I'm pretty clear about my hobbies and interests on my profile, and usually only go out with people who have at least some similar interests). I try to smile and be attentive and listen to what they want to talk about to. I usually have a good time, even if I'm a little nervous. But I consistently get rejected because there's "no chemistry". This makes sense, I suppose - the only real relationship I've been in was a five-year relationship that started off as friends and progressed from there.. it's just how I work. I have to know you a little bit before I can say flirty things to you and act like I'm attracted to you - I feel awkward otherwise, and not at all like I'm being myself.

So my question is two-fold.

#1 - is it common for people to reject each other for "lack of chemistry" after just one date?
#2 - Am I going to have to act in a way that I'm not comfortable with - flirting with men I'm just now meeting - to attract someone's attention? And if so.. how does one do that when it doesn't come naturally?
 
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ever_hopeful is offline ever_hopeful Post #2  April 4,2011, 7:45pm
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No matter what you look like, and no matter how great your personality is, it's a simple fact that you will not connect with everyone you meet. Through online dating, I went on literally hundreds of first (and sometimes second) dates before finding my wonderful boyfriend (we've now been together a year).

When women tell you they think you're nice, but they didn't feel any chemistry, it's their way of telling you you didn't do anything wrong, but there just wasn't a connection.

There IS someone right for you out there....but it may take awhile to find her! It can be easy to get discouraged, but don't let that happen...it can affect your otherwise upbeat personality. Cynicism and negativity can be the kiss of death in dating.

Hang in there....and remember that each time someone decides you're not right for her, it means you can move on that much quicker to finding the right one!
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #3  April 4,2011, 7:55pm
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The challenge I see when meeting new people from on-line dating is that they ALL seem nervous (on the phone or in person) and that prevents me from seeing the real person. Flirting would not matter to me but rather the person being himself and enjoying a regular conversation. That would make it easier to get a feeling of who they are and easier to potentially make a connection.

So don't worry about flirting but focus on being friendly and being yourself. Have a few questions in mind before going in related to the person's interests/profile and be open for the conversation to go in different directions. Good luck!
Last edited by curiousgirl123; April 4,2011 at 8:00pm.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #4  April 4,2011, 8:01pm
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RogueDesigner wrote :
#1 - is it common for people to reject each other for "lack of chemistry" after just one date?
Yes. But, it is interesting, because one of the 5 stage 1 questions I always ask is the "How do you feel about Chemistry?" question. My answer is "I need to feel that instant click". But, most of the guys I ask that question of choose "I need to sense a certain Chemistry within a few dates". Only 1 or 2 matches choose "Chemistry can grow over a lot more time".

wrote :
#2 - Am I going to have to act in a way that I'm not comfortable with - flirting with men I'm just now meeting - to attract someone's attention? And if so.. how does one do that when it doesn't come naturally?
Flirting is actually quite natural for me, and I just assume it is for everyone. I'm not saying it's always successful in landing me dates, but I find the flirting part easy. It's the follow through later with the relationship part that I tend to clam up on and run away from. (Working on that....)

ever_hopeful wrote :
When women tell you they think you're nice...
....but it may take awhile to find her! ...and remember that each time someone decides you're not right for her...
From the wording in the OP, I am guessing she is a woman? Most guys are not concerned with "figure flattering clothing" or doing hair and makeup on a date.

RD - Please correct me if I am wrong.
 
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RogueDesigner is offline RogueDesigner Post #5  April 4,2011, 8:42pm
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LOL - I suppose I did use a lot of gender-neutral adjectives in that post, didn't I? I am, indeed, female. Though I understand the confusion.. I used to be under the impression that it was commonly women (and not men) who expected that "instant connection" thing. Guess I was wrong!
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  April 4,2011, 9:51pm
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I have had my share of first dates where it was a "Thanks, but..."

You could be picking the wrong matches

They may not be attracted to you

You may come off as too shy/aloof and thus turns them off.

If you dont flirt then it says to them you arent interested in them.

IMHO...I bet it has alot to do with your appearance where you dont look like anything you were in your profile photos.
 
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ever_hopeful is offline ever_hopeful Post #7  April 5,2011, 3:22am
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Ooops! I'm so sorry. I (obviously) totally missed the "hair and make-up" line. And I made assumptions that I shouldn't have when reading the OP. My apologies to the OP.

But I believe my advice still applies. It may be true that some people meet their perfect match right away, but for most people, it just takes time (and lots of first dates).
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #8  April 5,2011, 3:45am
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I believe that chemistry actually has little to do with appearance, though that is a portion of it. Chemistry is an all-over feeling of compatibility, of connectedness, which encompasses our communication (including body language) and our 'vibe'.

I used to believe chemistry is either automatic or it's not there, but I've learned over the years that's not always true. Chemistry CAN happen over time - how much time is anyone's guess and I think it's different with any 2 people.

Yes, it is common for people to say, 'Sorry, but . . . didn't feel any chemistry.' This may have nothing to do with your appearance. Bottom line, the dating process requires that we meet LOTS of people and not expect to click with many of those people. I hate to put a number on it, but I think you're only going to really click with one out of every 10 or 20 people you meet, depending on your unique characteristics and what you want. So that means lots of first meetings that won't go beyond that.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  April 5,2011, 5:00am
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Adjust your expectations. You are going out on blind dates with people who have never seen you before and you haven't seen them before either. Of course you are not going to be attracted physically to most of them. I know that you post accurate photos, but nobody can really determine chemistry from photos. You can't, they can't. That's really the whole point of that first meeting - to see if there is any real life attraction there.

Think about it. When you meet someone in real life, the very first thing that you know is that you are attracted and then you go out on dates to figure out if there is more. Online, you learn all about all the other stuff you have in common, but you have no clue if attraction will be there.

I would take those e-mails as a compliment that you are a cool person, but chemistry is not something we control. It's either there or not. No amount of flirting will affect that either. As other posters said, expect tons of dates like that and don't get discouraged because that's just how the online thing works.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  April 5,2011, 6:31am
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RogueDesigner wrote :
....Now, to be up front, I am overweight. However, I'm very clear about it on my profile, including a full-body picture so that people can see my height-weight proportions. I do this to weed out anyone who isn't interested in someone who's heavier. I make it clear in my profile that I'm trying to become a healthier person, but that it's a work in progress. So I don't think the rejections have to do with that. ...
I'd say you're wrong. I has everything to do with your weight problem.

Firstly it sounds very negative to put in your profile that you are "trying to become a healthier person". I would rephrase this to something like "I have been working hard in the gym and cutting out junk food" and then as a word of advice from me stop "trying" and instead make it happen.


Secondly, are they showing interest based on optimisim then they meet you and realise you aren't making progress on weight loss?
 
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