Is there such a thing as "moving too fast"?


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DustBunny84 is offline DustBunny84 Post #1  April 4,2011, 10:23am
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I'm a long-time lurker who usually has no problem answering her own questions when it comes to dating, but I'm confused about my latest situation and could use a little advice.

I recently met a man via a dating site (though not this one) and we've been on two dates in the past two weeks. I think he's bright, engaging and sweet and definitely enjoyed his company both dates. I don't feel a physical spark much (not uncommon with me); he certainly finds me physically attractive and has been telling me as much since we met the first time.

We met over coffee and enjoyed ourselves enough to go to dinner the first time, then for dinner and a movie on Friday. After the movie, we talked about checking out a concert or going to dinner next weekend. Yesterday he sent me an invitation instead to come to his place mid-week - he'll cook me dinner, we can listen to some of his favorite music, maybe play a board game. The concert-or-dinner out idea sounded great to me but for some reason this invitation makes me uncomfortable. It feels to me like we're moving too quickly toward something - I'm not sure what - but the way his invitation is worded suggests he's hoping for intimacy I just don't feel ready for yet.

All that said, is there such a thing as moving too fast, or if I'm telling myself that, do I really mean I'm just not as interested in him as he is in me? Does slowing down in such a situation ever work out or is telling the other party that a sure way of turning them off? And how the heck do I answer him now?

For what it's worth, I'm 26 and have never been physically intimate with anyone; I don't feel I can hop into bed with someone or even make out with a man until I know him well, and for me that's a few months down the road, not two dates in.

Also, he's recently separated from his wife of 7 years, and according to him they have no intention of resuming a relationship - he was up front about that when he originally contacted me. The few references he's made to her suggest to me he's still working through a lot of issues in the aftermath of that relationship, and I confess his invitation has me wondering if I'm just his rebound girl.

Your insight is greatly appreciated.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #2  April 4,2011, 10:28am
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This is a tough one, as you two probably have very different feelings about sex. But, yes it can be overcome.

I think you need to be very open and honest with him about this issue. Then if it is a problem you will know pretty quickly, and if it is not a problem, then he will have a better idea of how to act.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #3  April 4,2011, 10:35am
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Bunny,

Yese there is such a thing as "moving too fast" and my simplistic definition of it is: "when you are doing things you aren't comfortable doing or not ready to do yet." This is in effect what your situation is so yes, in your case it's too fast.

As to how to handle it? I think you're doing just fine. Maybe reiterate that you thought you two would be going to dinner/concert night out and that you were really looking forward to that, and would still like to do that "first before coming over to each other's place for a night".

(this way.. yer still focusing on the positives and what you'd like to do together, rather then what you dont' want to do together).

If his response is anything less than being understanding and "of course... let's do a dinner/concert night out" (unless he has a valid excuse like, "well.. it's just I can't afford both right now") then he was interested in some specific things with you, not you.

If he does have the legit excuse of perhaps finances.... would you be willing to split costs and pay for one while he pays for the other?

Regardless.. after the dinner/concert night out, you can re-asses all your other questions at that point (am i not ready b/c i'm just not into him?)

Good luck Bunny.

Richey
 
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richey is offline richey Post #4  April 4,2011, 11:05am
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ok apparently i got modded. so i'll try again

Bunny...

I think yer fine. If you are not comfortable with something then you follow those instincts. "Going too fast" is exactly what you are experiencing, being pushed into doing something you're not quite ready to do yet.

My advice here would be to say something like, "aw i was really looking forward to dinner/concert night out together. i'd really rather do that before we start any dinner-night-overs with each other."

this way you're focusing on what you do want to do together, rather than what you don't want to do. If his response is anything less than "of course... i understand" and switching back, then yo know he might have specific motives with you.

No just incase he comes back with "it's just.. it's just right now I can't afford to treat you to both a dinner and a concert....." ~ would you be willing to split it so he takes care of one and you the other?

That's about the only legit reason I can see for the sudden change that doesn't involve alterior motives.

Good luck!

Richey
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  April 4,2011, 11:20am
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DustBunny84 wrote :
The concert-or-dinner out idea sounded great to me but for some reason this invitation makes me uncomfortable. It feels to me like we're moving too quickly toward something - I'm not sure what - but the way his invitation is worded suggests he's hoping for intimacy I just don't feel ready for yet.
if this is how you feel dont try to talk yourself out of it only to regret it later.

wrote :
All that said, is there such a thing as moving too fast,
yes and no. it depends a lot on the scenario but my guess is that you dont feel comfortable because you simply do not know this person. this is generally why its prudent to take time to actually get to know a person. talking is great, but the best way to really know someone is over time. who are they when they are not putting their best foot forward?

wrote :
Does slowing down in such a situation ever work out or is telling the other party that a sure way of turning them off?
in my estimation this should be one of your last concerns. again, so you like him superficially. thats great. maybe you'll continue to like him two months from now. maybe you'll decide he isnt for you. i dont think you should be concerned about "turning him off" as much as you should be concerned about being true to yourself and your feelings.


wrote :
Also, he's recently separated from his wife of 7 years,
this is a married man. A MARRIED MAN!!

wrote :
and according to him they have no intention of resuming a relationship -
uhhh prepare yourself for the "we decided to try again. too bad so sad"

wrote :
I confess his invitation has me wondering if I'm just his rebound girl.
trust this!!

wrote :
Your insight is greatly appreciated.
i think you already know the answers to your own questions.
 
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lizzy1424 is offline lizzy1424 Post #6  April 4,2011, 11:26am
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He's MARRIED. Why did you ever go out on one date with him.???
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #7  April 4,2011, 11:30am
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DustBunny84 wrote :
All that said, is there such a thing as moving too fast, or if I'm telling myself that, do I really mean I'm just not as interested in him as he is in me? Does slowing down in such a situation ever work out or is telling the other party that a sure way of turning them off?
There is such a thing as "moving too fast" if you are uncomfortable with how fast things are moving. Remember that once you sleep with someone, the genie is out of the bottle, and you can't ever re-cork it. You can be really interested in someone and still not be in the same place as they are as far as being ready to be physically intimate goes. Don't use your willingness to sleep with him (or not) as your indicator of interest level.

And, to second Nanette - THIS IS A MARRIED MAN! Why are you dating a man who is "separated"?
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #8  April 4,2011, 11:30am
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Yes, there is such a thing as moving too fast. But, I think it is an individual call.

If you feel uncomfortable going to his house(which is quite understandable), then please tell him.

As for you being a rebound woman, that is possible, but give your date the benefit of the doubt. He may be working on his past relationship/marriage issues, but it seems like he is also trying to move on with his life(as he should).

Dating should be at a controlled pace where both people feel comfortable. Never feel afraid to expres your comfort level with someone. How else will they know where they stand with you and what boundaries you have you don't discuss it.

Lastly, from what you shared, you seem on the fence on whether there is a chance for things to grow between you two or not. If you are not physically attracted to him, then make a decision within a reasonable amount of time. I do commend you for keeping an open mind, but at some point, you should know whether there is a chance for romance or not. Once you conclude that, there is simply no spark for you to continue, then give him the courtesy by letting him know so he won't further waste his time and effort.

B.Y.
 
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DustBunny84 is offline DustBunny84 Post #9  April 4,2011, 1:06pm
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First off, thanks for the responses. On why I went on any dates at all with him when he's still married, I tend to view married-but-separated as "unofficially divorced" - probably naively, but I'm from a rather non-traditional background. I can't however see myself getting any closer to someone who's not legally separated from their ex. I was willing to meet him, not sign on for a relationship with him; and I can't imagine any reasons he could give as to why he's separated but not divorced that would make me change my mind on that front.

Nanette's right - I guess I did have the answers to my questions already - but it helps to have unobjective light shone on them because, well, I do like the guy. That's just not reason enough to accept his invitation and wind up in some mess down the road involving angry not-quite-ex-wives.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #10  April 4,2011, 1:14pm
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DustBunny84 wrote :
I can't however see myself getting any closer to someone who's not legally separated from their ex.
Here's my take on dating a separated-but-not-quite-divorced man. At this point in my life, I am looking for a serious LTR with potential for marriage. A man who is not even divorced is not too likely to want to dive right back into that again.

Just think about what you're looking for, and if the guy doesn't fit, don't date him.
 
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