I think he's afraid of commitment....


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uglytruth is offline uglytruth Post #1  April 4,2011, 9:22am
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So I've been dating this guy for 2 months now. It's progressing nicely and I'm pretty content right now where we're at, minus one or two things. First, we see eachother 2-3 times a week at most even though he lives in the next town (10 minutes away). I'm good with this because realistically that's all I can do. We text almost all day and it's usually good fun. It's all good.

I was recently divorced (separated though for more than 18 months now), and I've always been a more verbal person. I'm not ready to say I love you to him - because I'm not sure I do yet. However, I would like for him to at least express his feelings towards me occassionally. I realize that actions speak louder than words - and this guy has done just about all of it. There are things that he doesn't do: he hasn't ever complimented me, he has never expressed his feelings towards me (by saying "i think you're great or i think you are cute....").

We have had sex and that is quite good. We go out to eat, play pool, movies, etc, plus we've had "in" dates too.

I'm thinking he maybe afraid of commitment. Or may have issues putting himself out there. We haven't had the "exclusive" talk though neither of us are seeing other people (I know this because he's with me or working, LOL). He met my kids last week (on accident) and told me that I "won the lottery in kids" and that "[meeting them] was going to happen sooner or later".

I'm feeling fairly secure where I am, but I'd also like to get him to open up a little more. I know time will help, but I'm just wondering if you guys see red flags here? And should i say something to him?
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #2  April 4,2011, 9:39am
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uglytruth wrote :
I'm feeling fairly secure where I am, but I'd also like to get him to open up a little more. I know time will help, but I'm just wondering if you guys see red flags here? And should i say something to him?
What red flags do you see here? You are not ready to say "I love you" to him, but it seems that you expect him to say this to you, do I have that right?
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #3  April 4,2011, 9:45am
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uglytruth wrote :
So I've been dating this guy for 2 months now. It's progressing nicely and I'm pretty content right now where we're at, minus one or two things. First, we see eachother 2-3 times a week at most even though he lives in the next town (10 minutes away). I'm good with this because realistically that's all I can do. We text almost all day and it's usually good fun. It's all good.

I was recently divorced (separated though for more than 18 months now), and I've always been a more verbal person. I'm not ready to say I love you to him - because I'm not sure I do yet. However, I would like for him to at least express his feelings towards me occassionally. I realize that actions speak louder than words - and this guy has done just about all of it. There are things that he doesn't do: he hasn't ever complimented me, he has never expressed his feelings towards me (by saying "i think you're great or i think you are cute....").

We have had sex and that is quite good. We go out to eat, play pool, movies, etc, plus we've had "in" dates too.

I'm thinking he maybe afraid of commitment. Or may have issues putting himself out there. We haven't had the "exclusive" talk though neither of us are seeing other people (I know this because he's with me or working, LOL). He met my kids last week (on accident) and told me that I "won the lottery in kids" and that "[meeting them] was going to happen sooner or later".

I'm feeling fairly secure where I am, but I'd also like to get him to open up a little more. I know time will help, but I'm just wondering if you guys see red flags here? And should i say something to him?

I think you are jumping to conclusions and maybe being a lil unfair with this gentleman.

If you are a verbal person, then why aren't you verbalizing your feelings to him? Seems like it's even Steven between the both of you on the communication dept.

Granted, he may need to compliment you more, but when was the last time you complimented him? Or is it a one way street with you in this regard?

In all, the only way you will know how he feels about commitment and exclusivity is to ask him. Stop waiting for people to initiate important conversations. A closed mouth doesn't get fed you know.

B.Y.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  April 4,2011, 9:49am
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The only red flag that I see is you. As in you are trying to push things into some odd fast lane for no good reason. I can't even comprehend how you figure he has an issue with commitment....

You know you are exclusive and so does he. If you still need to talk about it and need verbal affirmation in addition to actions, then it's your problem to bring it up. He can't read your mind. Beyond that, you've only been dating for two months....what do you want from him exactly after such a short period of time?
 
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richey is offline richey Post #5  April 4,2011, 10:07am
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I know you don't mean to, but you are coming off a bit hypocritical here and using what I call "dual rules" (aka you're putting 1 set of rules on him to follow by, a completely different set of rules that you must comply with).

Remember, it's got to be 50/50. If you're not ready to say how you feel about him, then don't be demanding that he tell you how he feels.

Lastly.. on the "he doens't say this or compliment me on that enough" ~ I will give you the best advice anybody can give you and that is this: EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT! Everybody expresses themselevs differently. so what you have to do is realize the person he is, what kind of person he is, thus you can then extract what he is complimenting you on and how.

A lot of misunderstandings and breakups happen when one side says, "well he never tells me he actually loves me" but if you look at everything that person is doing for her, it's obvious he's showing/telling her he loves her.

In this case you said you aren't getting enough compliments ~ yet, he said you "hit the lottery in kids". That.. as far as i know, is one of the largest compliments anybody can give to another person. Because how people see your kids, is a huge reflection upon you. He's saying you're a fine single mother, obviously have it together, and are doing what most people can't ~ have time to raise kids right while being single and working professional as well. If he's also including that he thinks they're hella adorable, then that also reflects on how adorable he finds you.

"He never compliments me"?

no.. you just have not been able to notice how he's complimenting you to this point.

I wish you luck.

Richey
 
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richey is offline richey Post #6  April 4,2011, 10:07am
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I know you don't mean to, but you are coming off a bit hypocritical here and using what I call "dual rules" (aka you're putting 1 set of rules on him to follow by, a completely different set of rules that you must comply with).

Remember, it's got to be 50/50. If you're not ready to say how you feel about him, then don't be demanding that he tell you how he feels.

Lastly.. on the "he doens't say this or compliment me on that enough" ~ I will give you the best advice anybody can give you and that is this: EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT! Everybody expresses themselevs differently. so what you have to do is realize the person he is, what kind of person he is, thus you can then extract what he is complimenting you on and how.

A lot of misunderstandings and breakups happen when one side says, "well he never tells me he actually loves me" but if you look at everything that person is doing for her, it's obvious he's showing/telling her he loves her.

In this case you said you aren't getting enough compliments ~ yet, he said you "hit the lottery in kids". That.. as far as i know, is one of the largest compliments anybody can give to another person. Because how people see your kids, is a huge reflection upon you. He's saying you're a fine single mother, obviously have it together, and are doing what most people can't ~ have time to raise kids right while being single and working professional as well. If he's also including that he thinks they're hella adorable, then that also reflects on how adorable he finds you.

"He never compliments me"?

no.. you just have not been able to notice how he's complimenting you to this point.

I wish you luck.

Richey
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  April 4,2011, 10:17am
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uglytruth wrote :
I'm thinking he maybe afraid of commitment.
fundamental rule of thumb. most guys are not "afraid of commitment". they may, however, just not want it with you.

even if he *is* afraid, why would you make this your problem? *he* needs to deal with *his* fears on his own in the best way for him.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  April 4,2011, 10:19am
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besides i thought you were okay with things the way they were and you were just going to "enjoy him". now this is bothering you again?
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #9  April 4,2011, 10:27am
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It's way too soon to be thinking about commitment.

Take a deep breath and relax. It sounds like everything is going fine except for him not being 50/50 with you on giving compliments.

One of the men I'm dating says he's no good at compliments (after he noticed me complimenting him quite a bit on a number of things). I didn't stop complimenting him, just kept saying things as they came up and occurred to me. He is now complimenting me as much as I compliment him.

See how it works?
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #10  April 4,2011, 10:28am
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I see no signs based on what you've said that this guy is afraid of commitment. I think that you are probably sensing one of two things:

1) Your intuition is telling you that something is "off" with this guy
or
2) The problem is you ... you want him to change for you because of your own insecurities

At this point, based on nothing other than my own intuition, I would lean toward #2. What do want from him that he's not giving you? The only thing I can see is to alleviate your own insecurity. It sounds like he is moving at a normal/healthy pace. He's probably just not a compliment guy. If you can't accept that, it's not something personal, it's just that this isn't the right guy for you.
 
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