Hot and Cold? Please Help.


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rebe217 is offline rebe217 Post #1  April 4,2011, 8:56am
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So I met this guy about a month and half ago and we immediately hit it off and start dating and have the best fun together. He is on business in my state and that's how we meet and start a casual relationship because we both wanted nothing serious. I find out a week into dating that he lives in the same state that I'm wanting to go to college but I am so freaked out by the coincidence, so I don't tell him anything about my plans. He starts to develop strong feelings for me and knows his work project here is ending soon and tells me one day he's feeling too attached and long distance would not work for us and backs out because another girl likes him and wants to date him. He tells me if he permentantly lived here he knows we would be together and says inside he wants that with me because he feels like I'm his best friend.

I then tell him about my plans reguardless whether or not we work out about going to college to make a life for myself in his same state that he'll leave to when his project here is over. He acts surprised and told me he would look me up and find me when I get there. I broke things off with him and told him I will need space. He informs me he wants to spend time with me before he leaves, so I told him we can do that. The last thing he says to me when he drops me off at my house is that he thinks he's making a mistake and I tell him goodbye for now.

I finally give him about a week and my head is cleared. My phone gets stolen off of me and I loose all my numbers. So I contact him to let him know that is what happened and I would like his new number to get in contact before he leaves in about a month. He sounds happy to hear from me and tells me in the email that sounds good about getting in touch soon. So when I do the next 5 days later after I get another phone, he acts all weird and replies that he got my new number and to talk to me later. That was not the response I was expecting.

Why is he acting so weird? Any suggestions on what I should do? I'd like to be friends since I'm moving to the same state he is because it's really far from the state I'm in now.

P.S. We also have some weird coincidences - we share the same birthday, same eye color, and family history. We also act like a married couple naturally whenever we spend time together.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #2  April 4,2011, 9:13am
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I would like to know what do you want from this man? You said that you are not looking for anything serious and that you needed your space. You also know that he likes you and has developed feelings for you and it seems like your feelings for him isn't where his is with you.

Because he hasn't blown your phone up since getting a new one, he is acting weird?

He did tell you(and I don't think he should have) that there is another woman who likes him and wants to date him. Since you want to be just friends and the other woman wants more, what do you expect him to do with you?

If anything, maybe you the one who may be acting weird or at least sending mixed signals to this man.

Once again, what do you want from this man?

B.Y.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  April 4,2011, 9:28am
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It sounds as though you have both been hot and cold in this relationship. One minute everything is great and the next minute one of you wants to back off for one reason or another.

If you are going away to college, don't worry about needing friends in that state. You will make friends soon after you arrive.

Now that he has your contact information again, the ball is in his court. I would simply let him know when you arrive in his state, and see what happens after that. By then you may have made new friends at college and the world will look like a different place.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  April 4,2011, 9:36am
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I agree with annother, it sounds like you're both giving mixed signals. You say you broke it off with him because you needed space, why would you expect him to come back in full force? If you've had a break, particularly if it was one you initiated, I think it's normal for things to change.

Additionally, I think it could be different becauese the circumstances are different than either of you expected. You were previously operating under the assumption that it would always be long distance and now you'll be in the same state - that can definitely throw questions into play.

Additionally, you mentioned him sharing with you all these strong feelings he had for you, did you share any back?
 
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rebe217 is offline rebe217 Post #5  April 4,2011, 9:45am
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Yes we have shared strong feelings. He knows that I want to be with him. I did not send mix signals. We talked about getting back together when I arrive in the same state as a future prospect. And we talked about hanging out a bunch before he leaves, so I guess I don't understand how he can act like cool about getting in touch and now he's all short with me? I want his friendship and for us to date in the future. I just don't know what quite to do with this hot and cold behavior.
 
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lizzy1999 is offline lizzy1999 Post #6  April 4,2011, 9:51am
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I don't know how useful this will sound, but I totally advocate NOT waiting around or hanging around for a guy who is being hot/cold. I'm not opining on whether this guy is actually being hot/cold, but what is important is that you think he is. Do you want to be with someone like that, OR with a guy who is unambigously into you and you into him? Think about it. You are going to college and will meet lots of new people - maybe should let this go and explore new opportunities/events. There is so much more yet to experience once you go to college. Good luck.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #7  April 4,2011, 9:56am
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sounds like he's just not that into you (anymore).
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  April 4,2011, 9:56am
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rebe217 wrote :
Yes we have shared strong feelings. He knows that I want to be with him. I did not send mix signals. We talked about getting back together when I arrive in the same state as a future prospect. And we talked about hanging out a bunch before he leaves, so I guess I don't understand how he can act like cool about getting in touch and now he's all short with me? I want his friendship and for us to date in the future. I just don't know what quite to do with this hot and cold behavior.
but getting back together for waht? you sound both very casual toward each other. you arent in a committed relationship, is that right? i think your expectations and actions are not reflective of the lack of commitment in your relationship. you seem to want more. i find your post very confusing
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #9  April 4,2011, 9:57am
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rebe217 wrote :
Yes we have shared strong feelings. He knows that I want to be with him. I did not send mix signals. We talked about getting back together when I arrive in the same state as a future prospect. And we talked about hanging out a bunch before he leaves, so I guess I don't understand how he can act like cool about getting in touch and now he's all short with me? I want his friendship and for us to date in the future. I just don't know what quite to do with this hot and cold behavior.
You were giving mixed signals. I think this is on you. He told you that he had other options(another woman who liked him) and from what you shared, you did not indicate that you wanted a relationship with him.

Now, if I am wrong, then please answer these questions. Were you two in a relationship or not? At what point were you clear that you wanted exclusivity with this person?

B.Y.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #10  April 4,2011, 11:40am
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I think what it coems down to is this: you are assuming that all the words spoken were the truth. Reality is.. words are cheap.

What I"m reading in this situation based on actions is: neither of you were serious. This was a "for fun" while it was convenient. Well it stopped being convenient bvecause he actually chose somebody else over you. But then you two agreed to get together here and there. He was ready to end it given the circumstances, then this surprise came up.

then a bunch of riff raff this person lost this phone, need new numbers, bla bla bla, time off

End result. yeah, he's not looking for anything serious and he's proven that. You said you made no bones about wanting to be with him.

You are being dropped because you are getting too close which is what he wanted to avoid from the start. He is choosing somebody else over you therefore, who isn't that close to him yet.

Richey
 
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