can a person become more affectionate?


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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #1  April 3,2011, 6:09pm
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I'm curious as to whether you guys think a person can be encouraged to become more affectionate, or if not being very physically demonstrative is simply a personality trait.

I love my boyfriend very much and things are wonderful between us, but if I were to have a single complaint, it's that he's not very affectionate except in the bedroom. He told me when we first started dating that he wasn't affectionate at all in his marriage, and his ex-wife hated that he wouldn't hold hands, etc, but that he worked very hard to learn to become affectionate and that he now considers himself to be affectionate. which is kinda ironic/funny/endearing because, um, he's the LEAST affectionate person I've ever dated!

Is there any way to get a person to become more affectionate or should I simply learn to accept this as who he is? I'm not terribly outwardly affectionate myself, so I am fine with the lack of PDA in public, but a few sweet notes every now and then, and the occasional kiss for no reason at all would be lovely.

he pretty much kisses me hello and goodbye, no hug, and then we usually cuddle when watching tv on the couch, and always when watching tv in bed. other than that, affection is limited to the affectionate names he calls me a few times a week - honey and honey-bunny and sweetie - and, of course, sexy time in the bedroom. he's very affectionate when we're doing THAT.

well, I'm exaggerating a little, I realize. if he's drinking a little, he becomes very affectionate. not sure what that means! but we were out with friends friday night and he and I were cuddling in the booth at a restaurant while we listened to great music. and then, at one point, I tried to talk to him and he thought I was trying to kiss him so he kept giving me little kisses and I was saying, "no, I'm trying to tell you something" and he'd kiss me instead, before I could finish, since he thought I was trying to get a kiss out of him (we were sitting with our friends who were smooching all night with their tongues practically down each other's throats, so I guess that made him think I wanted the same! lol!)

in retrospect, I shoulda accepted the kisses and forgot about trying to talk, since more affection was what I wanted! we did laugh about it the next day, that I kept saying, "honey, come here," and leaning into his ear and he'd turn and kiss me instead of listening to me!

and he did it a couple of weeks before, when we were out on st. patrick's day and he was telling me his favorite parts about our first date and how endearing he found some of my behavior, and me his. he kept raining little kisses all over my forehead while I talked to him. but again, he'd had a few drinks that night, so I think that really loosens him up to be lovey-dovey with me.

he's a wonderful guy and I know he's crazy about me, but he doesn't outwardly show much affection. I do hate it when I send a short, romantic note telling him I miss him or how important he is to me and he responds a few hours later with something unrelated, completely ignoring my romantic gesture! I did call him on it a bit today, when he texted me to say he was having brunch with his parents, by saying, "well, I'm gonna sound like a big wuss, but I already miss you and was just thinking that when you texted me." he responded, 'you big wuss. :-)"

any suggestions on how to up the affection meter without making him uncomfortable? should I just shower him with affection and let him learn by my actions? or just keep him plastered with alcohol all the time and get my affection that way?

I don't want to complain to him because I know he thinks he's being very loving and affectionate by all of his actions combined. we communicate daily, when he sends me good morning and good night texts and emails and the occasional phone call, which is even more meaningful because he absolutely hates to use the phone, so the fact that he does call me just to chat once a week is a huge deal. and the fact that he calls me sweet little names, and that he's planning on getting us tickets for a big event next month and so on and so forth. he is one of those guys who shows affection, he thinks, in ways other than being demonstrative. so I'm trying to figure out how to get more of what I want - flat-out smooches and loving notes - without insulting his attempts to already be affectionate.
Last edited by scully98; April 3,2011 at 6:14pm.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #2  April 3,2011, 6:19pm
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I recently read an article in Redbook Magazine about how to get your partner to kiss more. They had women in relationships experiment on their guys without telling the guys what they were doing. The women were to start kissing the men whenever the mood struck them, and they had to make a conscious effort to give more than just a quick hello/goodbye peck.

They all reported that after a week, their men were initiating more kisses (and by the end of the week, the sex was amazing too). I had no one to try this out on, but you might want to check that out.
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #3  April 3,2011, 6:43pm
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Positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage behavior. When he does something you like, let him know how much you like what he has done.

Get him started with something small like a hug in private or holding hands in public. The more often you do something, the more normal it feels.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  April 3,2011, 7:42pm
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Given what I read of your overly long OP, in this case it is a personality trait.

As to your basic question, can someone "learn" to be more affectionate - yes. Can someone who is not at all affectionate become super affectionate - no. I would suspect that unless you are going to make a lifetime commitment of teaching your guy to be affectionate he has come about as far as he is going to go.
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #5  April 3,2011, 8:28pm
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I agree with positive reinforcement. Just say 'I love it when you do ....'. Also, at the time he is being affectionate, make sure you let him know you really like that. Good men are usually eager to please .

Definitely, some people are not as naturally affectionate as others, some are more reserved, this could be true for both men and women. It may take some time to to adjust or it could be that the person is not comfortable going beyond a certain level of affection.
The week long kissing experiment mentioned above sounds fun. If you try it let us know how it goes .
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  April 3,2011, 9:20pm
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I agree with the previous comments that positive reinforcement can certainly get more of the behavior you're looking for, but that while you may get him to increase somewhat it may not be dramatic.
 
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deluxe is offline deluxe Post #7  April 3,2011, 11:55pm
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He sounds pretty affectionate to me. Men tend to show affection through concrete actions like helping you, making plans, etc... That actually means more to me than notes but if it's your thing, do it. Express yourself by all means. However, if this is not his style, why should he change? Can't two people express themselves differently with the same common goal? Maybe the key here is understanding each others 'love language'.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #8  April 4,2011, 3:42am
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thanks, everyone! yes, I adore my boyfriend as is, but would like more affection at times, so I have been wondering if increasing that would be possible. if not, I'm still a happy girl and can put the concept of making him more affectionate behind me.

I like the kissing experiment, too!!!
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #9  April 4,2011, 4:48am
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I think this falls under the category of not counting on changing the other person. If you can't live with him as he is, then it's a problem. If you can live with it, then fine. Just don't count on changing him. You can certainly try things like positive reinforcement as long as you can be ok if it makes no difference.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #10  April 4,2011, 5:43am
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Two ideas I've thought of:

(1) People who are generally not very affectionate usually come from a background of little to no affection, so it doesn't feel 'normal' to them. You might want to carefully delve into that to find out what his parents/childhood were like in that regard, though it sounds like you might have already done that. He might also feel that, being a lawyer, he needs to maintain a more sober, respectful image out in public. Since he seems to loosen up more while under the influence, I'd be inclined to think this might have something to do with it. Maybe his father was really strict? It could be lots of things.

He may feel that he's as affectionate as he's going to be (and that may be true), but not necessarily. If he's learned to be this much more affectionate than he used to be, I think he can stretch it out a little more. ;-)

(2) Scully, what is your Love Language? I would guess it's physical affection. ;-) What is his Love Language? I would guess it's Acts of Service.

Maybe he feels that his acts of service to you are showing you all the love he has to give, yet what means the most to you is physical affection (and possibly he doesn't understand that?). He might also feel that he'd like more acts of service from you and the affection you give is not necessarily communicating love to him(?). It would certainly be beneficial to your relationship to get your hands on the Love Language book and talk about this with him. That way you can both learn how to 'fill each other's love tank' more fully.

In addition to the kissing idea which I think is great, it might also be worthwhile to ask him to do small things for you under specific circumstances. You need to start small (baby steps) with this, then build on it over time, but for example when you first greet each other ask him specifically to hug you AND kiss you (maybe even give it a specified time to last). Tell him it would mean a lot to you. Once he's in the habit of doing that, ask him to do something else (holding hands, maybe). You get my point.

No matter what, it would be very interesting to me (and maybe others) to hear about your progress on this topic as time goes on. ;-)
 
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