pammersw is offline pammersw Post #21  April 3,2011, 3:51pm
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pammersw wrote :
I have involuntarily given up on dating numerous times in my life. In fact, "not dating" periods vastly outnumber "dating" periods, going back to my mid-teens...nearly four decades now. About a dozen years of that were married....so that's a gimme that I wasn't dating then. But most of the rest of the time I was involuntarily taking a break from dating.
BabyYoda wrote :
Can you expound on what you mean by involuntarily given up on dating please?

B.Y.
I thought I was pretty clear, but maybe not.

If nobody asks you out, but you'd like to date if someone would ask you out, that is an involuntary break from dating.

If you aren't meeting anyone to ask out, or to ask you out, but would like to date (and would ask someone out if nobody asked you out, but don't know anyone to ask), that is an involuntary break from dating.

If you are online dating and not getting to OC with anyone, or aren't getting any matches, that is an involuntary break from dating.

Or, if you are a single parent working long hours, maybe going to school also, and can't get away to date - that is also an involuntary break from dating.

Actually, the "breaks from dating" are far longer than the "dating" so I think my rare dates are breaks from not-dating.
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #22  April 3,2011, 3:54pm
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clover87 wrote :
He was emotionally abusive, and it turned physical at the end... When you're subjected to that on and off for four years, it's almost impossible not to think that. I guess the easiest way of trying to explain it is that I had someone who claimed to "love" me treating me that way; it didn't take long for the two to become associated. Also, in such relationships, it's common for the person to make you feel like you'll never find anyone else.

I didn't like the prospect of being forever single, but to me it was the lesser of two evils. It's easier being alone. I wouldn't have the suspicions of cheating, the fear that he would turn out the same way as my ex, the just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for this new person to turn into a monster too.

It sounds really depressing, and it was. It took me a while to learn to have any respect for myself. Thankfully I'm no longer at the stage where I was writing off any prospect of a relationship. Right now I'm at a point where I've gone on 5 dates with someone, and I think he's wonderful, yet any time I have the slightest wary feeling about something, half of me wants to run screaming so I don't allow anyone to get close to me again.

Sorry, that was a lot. But I'm determined to make that all a part of my past.
Sorry you went through that, Clover....!

I had a similar experience but got out before it actually turned physical (it was at the threat of physical harm stage). It does take time to get over it!
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #23  April 3,2011, 4:20pm
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I know I take breaks from dating. I'm in one now. But, even if they are voluntary they aren't times where I think to myself "I'm not going to date for the next (insert amount of time here)". I typically will just stop actively looking until I feel I want to again.

If someone landed in my lap, I wouldn't turn them down. Though right now I have too many important personal issues to take care of and don't want to have to find the time in my schedule to fit another person in. Taxes, a lawsuit, my son's health insurance, my school work, etc. Some seem like ongoing issues, but others have a time deadline, and I can't let something get in the way of completing those things.

And, like Pam said, there are times when not dating is more involuntary. Can't help it if there is no one available or no one who is available doesn't fit.
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #24  April 3,2011, 5:39pm
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yup i am on hiatus too. it was not a cerebral decision. i just didn't feel like it all of a sudden, the whole thing was a big turn off. i have a lot going on in other aspects of my life, i am sure that is why i started to feel this way.

i am sure this will change.
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #25  April 3,2011, 5:47pm
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Yes... and no. Yes, in that I am not sure how much longer I am willing to put active work into "marketing" myself on dating sites. So far, it has been a pretty dismal experience. No, in that if someone introduced me to a guy that seemed like a good match (or he figuratively landed in my lap in some other manner), I'm sure I would be interested.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #26  April 3,2011, 5:58pm
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pammersw wrote :
If nobody asks you out, but you'd like to date if someone would ask you out, that is an involuntary break from dating.

If you aren't meeting anyone to ask out, or to ask you out, but would like to date (and would ask someone out if nobody asked you out, but don't know anyone to ask), that is an involuntary break from dating.

If you are online dating and not getting to OC with anyone, or aren't getting any matches, that is an involuntary break from dating.

Actually, the "breaks from dating" are far longer than the "dating" so I think my rare dates are breaks from not-dating.
Yup. My experience exactly. I guess you could say I "took a few years off from dating" a while back, because I really wasn't interested in meeting anyone, let alone accepting any dates if I did meet someone. Not that anyone was asking in that time. You reap what you sow, and if you are putting out the vibe that you really do not want to meet anyone - guaranteed you won't.

But, now that I am in a place were I really want to date again, it is very hard to find dating partners. Even online. So, I guess a few years ago I was on a "voluntary" break from dating, but now I am on an "involuntary"' break from dating. This stinks even more, because I really want to be dating.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #27  April 3,2011, 6:28pm
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pammersw wrote :
I thought I was pretty clear, but maybe not.

If nobody asks you out, but you'd like to date if someone would ask you out, that is an involuntary break from dating.

If you aren't meeting anyone to ask out, or to ask you out, but would like to date (and would ask someone out if nobody asked you out, but don't know anyone to ask), that is an involuntary break from dating.

If you are online dating and not getting to OC with anyone, or aren't getting any matches, that is an involuntary break from dating.

Or, if you are a single parent working long hours, maybe going to school also, and can't get away to date - that is also an involuntary break from dating.

Actually, the "breaks from dating" are far longer than the "dating" so I think my rare dates are breaks from not-dating.
Well, I asked for clarification so people know what involuntary breaks from dating means.

Afterall, I never heard of the term before. I do appreciate you taking the time to expound. Now I have been enlightened.

B.Y.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #28  April 3,2011, 6:31pm
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mitchell175 wrote :
Yup. My experience exactly. I guess you could say I "took a few years off from dating" a while back, because I really wasn't interested in meeting anyone, let alone accepting any dates if I did meet someone. Not that anyone was asking in that time. You reap what you sow, and if you are putting out the vibe that you really do not want to meet anyone - guaranteed you won't.

But, now that I am in a place were I really want to date again, it is very hard to find dating partners. Even online. So, I guess a few years ago I was on a "voluntary" break from dating, but now I am on an "involuntary"' break from dating. This stinks even more, because I really want to be dating.

I don't understand why you are not dating? Looking at your avatar, you live in a big metropolis. Are men not approaching you in the streets, markets, anywhere?

I can understand the issues you face online, but offline?

B.Y.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #29  April 3,2011, 6:41pm
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BabyYoda wrote :
I don't understand why you are not dating? Looking at your avatar, you live in a big metropolis. Are men not approaching you in the streets, markets, anywhere?

I can understand the issues you face online, but offline?
B.Y., I'm laughing, but I don't think your post was meant to be funny! Do women really get approached randomly in the streets? Not any women that I know!
I really don't have any single friends, for one thing, so there are not a lot of opportunities to go out and meet people in bars, restaurants and the like. Married women do not typically hang out with single women, they hang out with other married couples. I think it is different for guys.

I just don't encounter a lot of single, available, dateable men in my day to day life. Maybe you can tell me what night of the week that single men go to the grocery store?
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #30  April 3,2011, 6:45pm
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margaret18 wrote :
yup i am on hiatus too. it was not a cerebral decision. i just didn't feel like it all of a sudden, the whole thing was a big turn off. i have a lot going on in other aspects of my life, i am sure that is why i started to feel this way.

i am sure this will change.

I believe it will change.

B.Y.
 
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