YearoftheCat is offline YearoftheCat Post #1  April 2,2011, 5:49am
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No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to find someone. My last match seems nice enough. We're just now getting to open
communication and I am debating whether to continue or not based on some things in his profile.

Money: When it comes to money, his has to have is someone is some who will not worry about it and enjoy life. I am paraphrasing of course, but I take it as someone who spends whether they have the money or not. Granted, I have some pretty big money issue that I am not proud of. If anything, I want someone who would be encouraging to me. Not to spend.

Idea of a nice evening: He wants someone who would rather stay at home all the time or have dinner in with some close friends. He does not like clubs. I understand him not liking clubs, but I do like to socialize. I am also active in my community. Staying indoors all the time would not suit me at all.

Religion: I know I posted a thread about this a few weeks ago, but why put for RELIGION , Christian when you're really not? I know a lot of people grew up in Christian homes, but if you don't attend now and have no intention of ever attending church wouldn't it be better to put spiritual or not spiritual? I can't remember all the exact deliniations.


I am beginning to think this is it for me. A lot of people I feel I would have something in common with just don t seem to be interested in me.

The whole eharmony thing is just frustrating. You sign up for three months. The first few weeks you get a lot of matches and then after that, nothing. I don't know if it is a scam or maybe there just aren't that many matches in my area.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  April 2,2011, 11:24am
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Hi YearoftheCat --

You seem to be suffering from what I and a lot of other people do, when first trying online dating: the expectation that a great match will fall into my lap, followed by discouragement when that doesn't happen immediately. It might come from the advertising online sites put out there, or just from hope, I don't know ...

Just from reading these boards my impression is that some people hit the jackpot early on but most don't: it takes persistence, and maintaining optimism. Also getting creative with exploring what does really matter to you and what doesn't, and how to make a dating site work better for you.

As to your specifics -- I wouldn't go overboard trying to interpret who someone is from their profile or their must-have/can't-stand lists. There can be lots of ways to interpret almost everything. E.g., "wants someone who doesn't worry too much money" could be what you think it is: they're irresponsible financially. But it could be someone who's very good at handling finances, and doesn't like getting all wrapped up in anxious knots about money all the time.

Maybe you're axing people a little precipitiously? I think it's better just to screen out very clear unambiguous dealbreakers ("I do NOT want children and you DO" kinds of things), and then find out what someone is actually like by meeting them.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  April 2,2011, 11:30am
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These types of vague, maybe-concerns are what the essay questions and open communication is for.

Ask for more detailed explanations, or offer your own and see how your match responds.

Describe how you socialize, how you balance consumption, saving, investing, etc.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #4  April 2,2011, 11:55am
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Agree with D_L or just go ahead and meet and discuss this stuff over the first one to two dates.

I beleive you are way over analyzing everything and expecting a basic profile to provide you with a level of understanding of the other person that is not possible on paper. A profile really just gives you a very general overview.

As far as religion goes, my profile says Christian although I do not attend church regularly. I am a follower of the docterine of Christ, doesn't mean I have to be a church goer. Also, when I see it in other profiles I do not judge a person's commitment to their faith by this, I see it as meaning they are not Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or atheist.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #5  April 2,2011, 11:59am
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YearoftheCat wrote :
Religion: I know I posted a thread about this a few weeks ago, but why put for RELIGION , Christian when you're really not? I know a lot of people grew up in Christian homes, but if you don't attend now and have no intention of ever attending church wouldn't it be better to put spiritual or not spiritual?
As for this one, rather than be judgmental just accept that religion is different for each individual. Some people are cultural christians and celebrate the major holidays with family even though they are not 'religious' in the sense of going to church every Sunday. They are christian in their own way of definining it, which is no better or worse than your definition. Just different. If it is too different for your liking, then do not go out with them, or specify in your profile what kind of christian you are looking for.

With the socializing one, lots of people say they "aren't into the bar scene" but when asked admit they like to go to happy hours with friends or to see a band. They may associate the word "clubbing" with drinking heavily and they only drink on occasion. You really do have to ask.

YearoftheCat wrote :
The whole eharmony thing is just frustrating. You sign up for three months. The first few weeks you get a lot of matches and then after that, nothing. I don't know if it is a scam or maybe there just aren't that many matches in my area.
I agree with this, and this was my experience as well. You may be better off exploring other dating sites which may be more active in your area.

As for too picky? No. Just decide what are dealbreakers for you and close matches accordingly. You may want to explore in OC whether you fully understand their answers before doing so, however.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  April 2,2011, 12:02pm
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Open Communication is where you can delve into things that are in your matches profile, answers that they have given to your questions including their MHCS and any inconsistencies that you have found along the way. Unless you have found solid red flag it is never a good idea to abandon a match based on assumptions.
 
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eDisharmony is offline eDisharmony Post #7  April 2,2011, 12:10pm
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You're reading into what he's saying and making big leaps from the actual wording.

It's more nitpicky than picky.
 
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NBdater is offline NBdater Post #8  April 2,2011, 12:31pm
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YearoftheCat wrote :
The whole eharmony thing is just frustrating. You sign up for three months. The first few weeks you get a lot of matches and then after that, nothing. I don't know if it is a scam or maybe there just aren't that many matches in my area.
The matches relatively nearby are ok for a only few weeks - and I reside in a large metropolitan area. What I do then is expand the geographical boundaries bit by bit. Even with this procedure by the end of three months I am receiving very few viable matches. Many matches have become phantom or dead matches, people who no longer are paying members.

I therefore give it a break for 3 to 6 months then give it another three month shot. It gives me something to do, I guess, because I meet plenty of women IRL when I get out. It is very hard to find "the one" whether on internet dating sites or IRL for picky, picky me, though I find plenty of women to date IRL. They are just not keepers. Consequently I have become quite adept at catch and release over the years I have dated since my divorce 17 years ago.
 
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LovelyLinda04 is offline LovelyLinda04 Post #9  April 2,2011, 1:52pm

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Think of yourself as a salesperson and you wanted sell something on the internet, except it's for your best friend so you have to advertise it, Now you have to make it as attractive as possible so that someone would be interested. Fudge it a bit.

Your not making it interesting or attractive!
If you want to catch a fish you have to use a wiggly worm to attract him. Get some suggestions on how to find a good wiggly worm to attract a nice guy with money.

L.L.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #10  April 2,2011, 2:14pm
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When I saw the thread-title, I thought I'd being say, "No, you're not being too picky," because I generally don't like it when people tell others that they are being picky.

But on reading your post ... I'm sorry, but it sounds like you're looking for reasons to not like your matches rather than looking for reasons to like your matches.
 
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