confused about the 'pay' factor


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Leelah is offline Leelah Post #1  April 1,2011, 2:28pm
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I'm new to the market after a long marriage, and I'm receiving conflicting messages about who should pay. I was always told, if he asks you out, he pays. if I ask him out I pay. and what about the whole 'courting' protocol? or is that just traditional bs now?

The first guy I dated on eharmony mentioned to me that I should pay, so I did. the second guy I bought tickets to shows for us both and he still said I should have paid for more.

Is it completely 'dutch' nowadays. Because I have friends on both sides saying, "offer to pay-he'll probably refuse." "Don't pay-he's courting you."

I'm so confused. In my marriage everything was shared so I'm not a spendthrift. I just don't know whats expected anymore and how much is giving too much? where's the balance and whats the expectation? HELP!
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #2  April 1,2011, 2:32pm
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If you will scroll down the page, there are 3 or 4 threads on this very topic, and all manner of ugly, nasty disagreement. Read those first, then we'll chat....
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #3  April 1,2011, 3:18pm
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Welcome to the boards leelah,
As you will see if you dont rip your eyeballs out trying to get rid of the confusion, reading those threads. There is still much confusion about this.

As for those two guys telling you what you should do.
I wouldn't give them a second thought.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  April 1,2011, 4:23pm
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livenlearn wrote :
Welcome to the boards leelah,
As you will see if you don't rip your eyeballs out trying to get rid of the confusion, reading those threads. There is still much confusion about this.

As for those two guys telling you what you should do.
I wouldn't give them a second thought.
That was exactly my thought. Well actually I had some stronger thoughts about them but I will remain civil and just go with what you said.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #5  April 1,2011, 4:33pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
That was exactly my thought. Well actually I had some stronger thoughts about them but I will remain civil and just go with what you said.
Believe me, I was on my best behavior there.

The universal sign language relating to one finger wasnt one of em. Not at all. April fools.


The nerve of some people.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  April 1,2011, 4:34pm
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Leelah wrote :
I'm new to the market after a long marriage, and I'm receiving conflicting messages about who should pay. I was always told, if he asks you out, he pays. if I ask him out I pay. and what about the whole 'courting' protocol? or is that just traditional bs now?

The first guy I dated on eHarmony mentioned to me that I should pay, so I did. the second guy I bought tickets to shows for us both and he still said I should have paid for more.

Is it completely 'dutch' nowadays. Because I have friends on both sides saying, "offer to pay-he'll probably refuse." "Don't pay-he's courting you."

I'm so confused. In my marriage everything was shared so I'm not a spendthrift. I just don't know whats expected anymore and how much is giving too much? where's the balance and whats the expectation? HELP!
This right here is what leads to success. You have equal partners at all levels of the relationship. I expect my match to be an equal participant in planning dates, extending invitations and paying. This does not mean that I have a spreadsheet tracking that I asked her out on this date so she better ask me out for the next date. Or that I say I spent $10, she has to spend $10. BTW I don't go dutch.

As for your question about "courting" protocol. I have no clue what "courting" is. Maybe that explains my severe lack of success in dating.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #7  April 1,2011, 6:19pm
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I don't understand why you are confused? You should do what you feel is comfortable. As far as traditional courting being bs, it is only so if traditional dating doesn't go both way. Everyone who subscribes to tradition should play their role in it.

More than likely, a man who asks you out will pay. But, I am curious in knowing how often do you ask men out?

B.Y.
 
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Leelah is offline Leelah Post #8  April 1,2011, 7:47pm
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BabyYoda wrote :
I don't understand why you are confused? You should do what you feel is comfortable. As far as traditional courting being bs, it is only so if traditional dating doesn't go both way. Everyone who subscribes to tradition should play their role in it.

More than likely, a man who asks you out will pay. But, I am curious in knowing how often do you ask men out?

B.Y.
I'm comfortable with a guy who asks me out and shows interest, pays. I feel its the only way a man can show his chivalry and his respect. Unfortunately, sometimes its the only way to weed men out, make them stand a part from one another. I can pay for my own entertainment and I pay half with friends and co-workers. I've been known just to pay. I think that I'm a generous person. If a friend of mine can't afford to go out I'll take her out, buy her drinks...

I would do that with a guy friend too.

But if a guy wants to be with me; I expect him to impress me. Why would I be with him and not someone else? It could be free events-I do free stuff all the time. But to ask me to pay in the early stages of dating before we're committed to one another? I just think he's being cheap. Probably not very creative or romantic either.

Like I said I'm in the early stages of dating. I've asked out men I'm already dating, haven't ventured into asking a new guy out. I've sent matches requests though. Apparently I'm attracted to jerks. So I tend not to trust who I'm attracted to enough to ask them out, too. hahahaha!
 
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Leelah is offline Leelah Post #9  April 1,2011, 7:57pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
This right here is what leads to success. You have equal partners at all levels of the relationship. I expect my match to be an equal participant in planning dates, extending invitations and paying. This does not mean that I have a spreadsheet tracking that I asked her out on this date so she better ask me out for the next date. Or that I say I spent $10, she has to spend $10. BTW I don't go dutch.

As for your question about "courting" protocol. I have no clue what "courting" is. Maybe that explains my severe lack of success in dating.
I've asked my male friends about paying and they so far-happily married men mostly, say they expect to pay, but they appreciate it when the girl offers. they usually refuse. but it seems like the key is they don't feel like they are being taken for granted.

You qualified your response with you don't do dutch, but it seems like you do expect her to offer and pay at some point. is this after you've been dating her exclusively? or in the early weeks of dating? or right away?

I just feel like if a guy shows interest and wants to get to know me then he should want to pay to take me out in the early stages of getting to know me. I like shows and I like sitting close, so you know what? I'll pay to go to show with a guy in that case.

I just think there has to be a weeding out process and it seems to me like paying is part of that. I don't want to be with a stingy man because I'm not that way.
 
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Leelah is offline Leelah Post #10  April 1,2011, 8:00pm
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Leelah wrote :
I've asked my male friends about paying and they so far-happily married men mostly, say they expect to pay, but they appreciate it when the girl offers. they usually refuse. but it seems like the key is they don't feel like they are being taken for granted.

You qualified your response with you don't do dutch, but it seems like you do expect her to offer and pay at some point. is this after you've been dating her exclusively? or in the early weeks of dating? or right away?

I just feel like if a guy shows interest and wants to get to know me then he should want to pay to take me out in the early stages of getting to know me. I like shows and I like sitting close, so you know what? I'll pay to go to show with a guy in that case.

I just think there has to be a weeding out process and it seems to me like paying is part of that. I don't want to be with a stingy man because I'm not that way.
oh and I always show gratitude when a man pays. I'm NOT sitting there with my nose in the air stiffly. So I don't let him feel like I'm taking him for granted. At least I don't think I do.
 
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