Way overthinking a new dating situation


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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #1  March 30,2011, 10:00pm
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I've gone out with this great guy I met online four times (2.5 weeks); this Friday will be the fifth. At this point, I've realized I do really like him, and he's someone I can see myself with. He always says what a great time has with me, that he really wants to see me, that he loves talking to me, how compatible he thinks we are.

My problem is that I'm second (and third, and fourth) guessing everything that happens, and everything that I do. He's very sweet and respectful, smart and kind. I'm pretty sure most, if not all, of my second guessing is in my head - a year ago was finally the finite end of a horrible, years long on and off relationship that was emotionally abusive, and turned physical at the end.

While I feel ready to embark on dating (and hopefully a relationship) with this man, my trust issues are coming into play. I wonder when he'll introduce me to his friends, why he hasn't mentioned it to his parents yet (to be fair, I haven't mentioned it to mine either; we both still live at home - he's in law school and I just finished my master's), when, if ever, he'll want to commit to a relationship, etc. Even little things like how when he called tonight he mentioned he might be going to a baseball game with a friend on Sunday. I said, "Oh I love baseball games!" and he didn't say "We should go to one!" Or how when he said he'd call after his mock trial ended, I was getting so upset when it hit 11:00 because I was convinced he'd just forgotten (turned out his thing didn't end up ending until 11:30, and he called right after).

I know it's all highly illogical, and I know that if I don't get it under control, it will cause me to be super clingy, and that would cause him to bolt. I don't feel like I'm not over this past person, nor that I need "more time" - I've worked through about as much as I feel I can this past year, and I honestly don't believe more time would do anything more than it has. I don't want to dump my past on him (anything that serious after this short amount of time is bound to be too much). I know the answer is to just relax and see where it goes, and I've been trying, but it's almost impossible for me.

Does anyone have any tips? Have you been through anything similar? I'd really love to be able to relax and just let things with this guy progress naturally, instead of driving myself crazy all the time with things.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  March 30,2011, 10:27pm
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Hi clover87, and welcome to EHA.

It sounds like you have a good handle on what's going on with you and what you need to do. So it's a matter of just doing it, right?

It's ok to resort to some really clunky tricks to get your wandering mind under control:

Put post-it notes around your house saying things like "slow down", "breaaaatttthhhheee" etc. -- it can break the little spiral that gets going of these thoughts and worries.

Figure out a few affirmations or things to remind yourself of and take time to dwell on them and remember them. "This guy [insert name] is not my ex." "I feel sure this guy [insert name] likes me."

Do you meditate? It might help. Meditation is where you consciously watch how your mind works, and don't let it run away with you ... when you notice it going off on one of its spirals, just stop it and return to watching your breathing.

Things like that ... get creative, find out what works well for you. It sounds like you have some habits to be broken, rather than deep soul-restructuring to do.
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #3  March 30,2011, 10:33pm
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Thank you so much for the advice! My friends just keep telling me to "relax" - obviously easier said than done!

I'm going to try all of those things between now and our date Friday. I think he's proving himself to be a "good guy," hopefully I'm right about that and it continues to progress!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  March 31,2011, 10:58am
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You have thought this out very clearly and recognized that YOU are over thinking things. Part of what is going on here is of course from your past relationship(s). You may need just a little time with a counselor, not to get over your past relationship but to get a grip on your own emotions so that you don't get all panicky.

Let me now comment on a few things about your current relationship that may calm you down a bit:
1) Having had 4 dates in less than 2 1/2 weeks is a sign that things are going well and that he is interested in you.
2) At 2 1/2 weeks in I would not have mentioned you to friends and family either. It is just too early to tell where a relationship is going at that point to want to be telling friends and family. I am also a bit superstitious about telling friends and family of a budding romance as every time I mention that I am dating anyone to my friends then she ends it shortly after.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  March 31,2011, 11:08am
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op i think you are overly concerned with whether or not someone likes you.

the best way not to think about it is to just stop yourself and get busy with something else. have a million distractions ready of things that you want and maybe need to do.

the concern over it that you seem to have suggests overinvestment to me. i think thats how most people lose perspective.
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #6  March 31,2011, 11:19am
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I definitely feel a little over-invested, which is something I've been trying to stop myself from becoming. I think it's because this is really the first guy I've "clicked" with in a long long time, so it's hard not to (I'd been going on dates before I met this person, but they'd all gone pretty badly). I keep telling myself that it's all about having fun and getting to know each other, and we'll see what happens down the line.

Thanks for the advice!
 
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savman is offline savman Post #7  March 31,2011, 11:52am
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It is hard, and there is a fine line. Some go so far trying to slow things down that they forget that passion is one of the reasons to be in a relationship in the first place. Passion is not 100% logical, and it is felt without thinking about it.

I think you just have to realize that analyzing small bits of information by themselves if very often counter productive. The timing of one call is something that has almost no analytical value by itself. So you can work to get that idea into your brain and maybe that will help.

That is one of the things I try to do if I end up stressing over something. Think about if that little piece of information will matter at all a month from now. And think about all of the ways that your fears can be better understood just by waiting and gathering more information.

That is what I try to do anyway.

I think most of us really want to get to that place where you have someone to share all of your hopes and fears with, and your daily ups and downs. Someone who can give you the love you really want, and someone you can give your love too. Most of us would prefer to be there NOW, but it is just not practical.

This does not get talked about a lot, but I would imagine that is something most people struggle with. Unless they are just not passionate people anyway.
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #8  March 31,2011, 12:02pm
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You're totally right! The second date I felt like I was pulling back, mostly because of fear ("What are you doing?! You're just going to get hurt again!") sort of things, like, why is this worth it? I worked to get over that feeling and I think I have - unfortunately, the pendulum is now swinging a bit too much in the opposite direction.

That's definitely a place that I want to get to, and it's a place that I haven't been in for a very long time (if ever). I love all of the exciting, butterflies in your stomach things that come along with dating someone new. I think another reason for my being convinced that something is going wrong is because subconsciously I'm trying to find a reason to walk away from it, with the "logic" that it's easier to be alone than to risk it. So I'm trying daily to convince myself that you shouldn't be dating someone and trying to look for any excuse to run screaming.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #9  March 31,2011, 3:54pm
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savman wrote :
I think most of us really want to get to that place where you have someone to share all of your hopes and fears with, and your daily ups and downs. Someone who can give you the love you really want, and someone you can give your love too. Most of us would prefer to be there NOW, but it is just not practical.

This does not get talked about a lot, but I would imagine that is something most people struggle with. Unless they are just not passionate people anyway.
Very well said, Savman.

OP, I think it is actually a healthy thing, you recognize that what you had before was a constant pairing but bad for you. Now you have the opportunity for another constant pairing and because it looks like it will be a good one, you feel you need to know all now, in order to relax and enjoy being a "pair".

An unhealthy perspective would be to be looking for the bad rather than dwelling on the positive and hopeful signs like you are doing. The unrecovered person would be pessimistic and hopeless just trudging along expecting it to all fall apart.

Anxious is good, pessimistic is bad.

To overcome it, you must work on being in the moment. Enjoy this experience for all the positives it has right now, this week, this day, this date. You are doing just what you should, you are building a relationship with a better person and you seem to have it all together becuase you know what you're looking for what will make the next realtionship a good one. You know what would make it a bad one, and he's not it, so don't expect him to be.
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #10  March 31,2011, 6:55pm
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I feel like I can't thank you all enough! It's nice to have some people who seem to understand. I really appreciate the kind, helpful, and uplifting words. I've realized that a lot of what you're saying hits the nail right on the head. Like I said, it can be quite tempting to look for the bad (or turn not bad into bad in my head) and run, which I've been tempted to do. Luckily I've been able to talk myself out of it. It's really the turning something not bad into something I think is bad that's my problem.

I think most of my anxiousness comes from what you said - a desire (which feels like a need) for security.

I must say, one big positive that's come out of this experience so far is that I'm definitely more focused on moving forward than I was. Instead of dwelling on what I went through, I'm determined to not let it affect my life for one more day. So that's a positive!
 
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