Would you date some one you're comfortable with...but your family isn't?


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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  March 30,2011, 3:51pm

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Would you ever consider dating someone you felt really “at home” with, even if you knew they wouldn’t feel at home with your family (or your family wouldn’t feel at home with them)?

Have you ever actually dated or been in a relationship with someone like this? How did it go? Did you break up for family conflicts or for other reasons? Or, did it work out?

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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  March 30,2011, 3:59pm
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It depends on how close this family is to you--both emotionally and geographically.

I would want to know why they felt that way.

Since I live a few thousand miles away from my family on the opposite coast this doesnt matter that much since I see my family 4-5 times out of the year (4 days at a time)
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #3  March 30,2011, 4:33pm
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Six months into my relationship, my late wife and I got into a heated argument about my mother's role in my life. She gave me a choice: either her or my mom.

After that discussion, I gradually severed ties with my mom and eventually it got to the point where I didn't talk to her for 5 years.

Normally I would say that for a significant other to make such demands is unreasonable and unhealthy. But in my case, that was perhaps the best decision of my life, on all accounts.

Sometimes family either doesn't have your best interest in mind, or is not emotionally healthy enough to be fully aware of a situation.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #4  March 30,2011, 4:41pm
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The only people I would have ever listened to would have been my parents because they were both very good judges of character. They are both deceased now. Most of my family members are just so loving and trusting and accepting of people...and that's ok for them. They trust first and may find fault later. I am very cautious....I observe first...then trust. So I wouldn't really listen to my family. I do what is comfortable for me.
 
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tinaroonie is offline tinaroonie Post #5  March 30,2011, 5:25pm
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I have considered this question on several levels. I live in Minnesota, and my family elsewhere. I see my parents maybe 1 or 2 times a year, and my siblings less. Not because I don't love them, we have a great relationship, we just live far apart. I would listen closely to my parents, and my siblings, and if they didn't love my guy (or at least love him because he makes me happy), and if they had a legitimate reason, I'd consider it. Even though they live so far away we wouldn't see each other that often. It would always bother me that my family doesn't like my significant other.

However, I also have an "adopted" family, here in Minnesota, and though I love them, if they didn't approve of my significant other, I would just go to the family events without him. Unless they truly had a beef with him, but it would have to be something huge.

As for my friends, other than a select few, if they didn't like my boyfriend or attacked him for whatever reason, I would stand up for my boyfriend, and just not be friends with these people any more. Because a true friend would not do that.

------------------

Then there is the flip side of this coin. Could you live with not getting along with your boyfriend's family? If he stands by you as the chosen one, then I think that would make it easier not to get along with them. That's kind of the situation I am facing right now.

I always said I would hope to get in-laws that I would like to be around, not your stereotypical nasty mother-in-law. However, my boyfriend does not have a good relationship with his family, he does not speak to his mother (for good reason, I have come to understand) or his siblings much, but he does talk to his dad. But there are still questions if his dad will accept me in the end. Although this is not ideal, I hope that my boyfriend will stand up for me if his dad or other relative would say something against me. I hope that is not going to happen, but you just never know. They also don't live here, so if it doesn't work out like we had hoped, we don't have to see them much.
 
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truth32 is offline truth32 Post #6  March 30,2011, 5:25pm
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No, I wouldn't date someone my family didn't approve of.

I have always been close with my parents and siblings, and I DID once date a guy for a year that they eventually became wholly opposed to. It became a bad relationship for me and I realized afterward that they were right and only looking out for ME (as were my friends). My family is very open and tolerant of others, so I know they would not openly state their opposition unless they were certain it would bring me harm and unhappiness.
Thankfully I learned, (quickly) to now seek the advice and wisdom of those who have loved me LONGEST.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  March 30,2011, 6:44pm
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In the long term my partner and my family have to like each other.
 
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robopumpkin is offline robopumpkin Post #8  March 31,2011, 3:09pm
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I have a very southren country family where everything is about hunting and football and I've never dated a guy who cared about either one of those. My family has never approved of who I've been in relationship with but they never say anything to me about it. I'm very different from my family so I'm never suprised when they don't like someone.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #9  March 31,2011, 6:45pm
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I am very close to my family, both in distance and emotional closeness. I could never date someone that my family didn't like in a drastic way, but of course, my parents and siblings did not always like the people that we dated. But, they could always see that they were good people at heart, even if they didn't like everything about them.

I have gotten a couple of matches that I knew I could "never bring home to meet my parents", so I didn't even bother communicating with them. One was the guy with a spider tattoo on the side of his face. Yeah, I couldn't really see my mother opening up to him...
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #10  March 31,2011, 7:23pm
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My sisters and I were raised to be independent...even though we're pretty close.

Most of us in the family married people the others weren't quite comfortable with...at first.

But in the long run...we all learned to get along with each other...and even like each other.

Families...watcha gonna do?

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