she doesn't pay for dates, so that's why she's single?

Let me answer your second question first: “Don’t both people benefit from the meeting?”

The problem is that men and women rarely have the same expectation from the date. Now, if the benefit from the meeting is ONLY to see if you are compatible then the issue of who pays wouldn’t have generated millions of web pages of heated responses, lol! The complication with the perceived or actual “benefit” is what is causing all the hoopla! No doubt, the first date would be a lot simpler if both parties involved chose a venue that didn’t cost any money so there is no risk of loss from either side besides time.

That would solve the problem of initial contact not leading to a relationship, but what happens on subsequent dates? Again, it is a question of “perceived” benefits. For example, are one or both partners seeking something long term or just sex?

If a person feels they are getting value out of the relationship they are more likely to want to pay for the date. So “one good reason” for a man to pay for all the dates is because he is investing not just money, but time and emotion into a long term relationship with someone he feels is worth it. He feels that it is a privilege to be in her company and wants to show her that she is special by honoring her in this way. Does that make sense? Clearly it is no longer a “social norm” for men to pay all the time so if a man CHOOSES to do so it truly is an HONOR bestowed only upon a precious few!

However, these arguments on these boards would indicate that most men do not view women in this way anymore. They don’t see being in the company of someone special as a privilege and to me that is a great loss on their part. What makes a woman so special she should never have to pay for a date? The man does - - and if he can’t view her in that way perhaps he shouldn’t be trying to date her. I say that because that same attitude of “What makes you so SPECIAL?” is going to show up in other aspects of your relationship. Girls, you know I’m right!

Generally it is the man who asks the woman out or initiates the relationship. It boggles my mind that some women are okay with being asked out by a guy that also expects them to pony up the plastic for half the date! I get that both men and women want more equality in relationships and some seem to feel that this needs to spill into dating as well, but dating by its very nature is a pursuit. It is a contest and a ritual where the MAN is SUPPOSED to woo the woman! Quibbling over who pays the check just sucks all the romance out of it!

Excellent post, Linda! For all the guys meeting multiple women, this is what they should be doing - meeting for coffee or drinks for the first time then they don't have to whine about paying for expensive dinner dates all the time.

I talked about this with my boyfriend on friday night, when we were out on a double date with my girlfriend and the guy she's been dating a month, same girl who never pays for dates that he said was probably single for that reason.

We went to a fairly expensive place for dinner and had drinks and bottles of wine, so the total tab for our dinner for just the two of us was about $200 with tip. My boyfriend paid the bill, was never an issue that he expected me to pay it.

I probably pay for about 25% of our dating costs, which works for me because while I have a very good job, I am a single mom and my boyfriend makes more than me. he's a lawyer with his own law firm and doesn't have kids. and because we spend a lot on dates each weekend. usually about three meals out, plus drinks, plus entertainment. about $300 per weekend on average. sometimes a little more.

so, at one point in the evening, as we'd moved over to another venue after dinner and were listening to live music and having another couple of drinks, the bill came. I grabbed it and paid our share at that place. when doing so, and pulling it away from my boyfriend, I said, "oh no, you're not paying this after that wonderful dinner. let me at least get this!" My boyfriend said, "oh, thank you honey! I really appreciate that." then we glanced over at my girlfriend, who was very drunk at that point and utterly oblivious to anything we were saying, and I whispered to my boyfriend, "she's letting him pay this one, too! after that pricey dinner!" my boyfriend said, "she really should pay sometimes."

I then asked him, for the first time ever, if he thought I paid enough of my share of our dating expenses since I don't pay 50%. He said, "oh, honey, it's never been an issue whatsover. I don't mind paying for more. I just want to feel appreciated when I do and you always make me feel like you appreciate it and you thank me. That's all any guy wants. To feel appreciated."

And with that, he kissed me and I kissed him and we settled back in to listening to the acoustic duo play the music we love and it was a wonderful evening.

So, at least out of this, my boyfriend and I, after nearly six months of dating, finally broached the "who pays" subject. I never had, because it never seemed like an issue, but it was still nice to get it out there and confirm that everything was just fine.

I actually asked him what he's done in the past if a woman doesn't pay for some of their dates. If he's had to say something. He paused, and thought, and said that he's honestly never had that happen. That he's never dated any woman who didn't pay for some of the things they did.

So that was interesting, since there seem to be quite a few women here who don't pay anything on dates. I guess it's just part of who my boyfriend is, that he's only attracted to women with the traits that would make them want to pay some of the time? I'm not sure what exactly those traits are, but obviously if he's been dating 25 years and hasn't run across one of those women yet, well, it's saying something about who he chooses to date.

He is anti dating anyone who is a stay-at-home mom or who wants to be a stay-at-home mom and fill that traditional role of letting the husband be the sole breadwinner. His own mother is a highly successful businesswoman and the idea of dating a woman who wouldn't want to work and share part of the financial burden of a household is alien to him. And to me. Not to judge women who do it, not at all, but it's just not who I am.

scully, just to level the field here a bit for your friend, consider that they have only been dating for a month while you and your boyfriend for six. You are a step or two ahead of her on a few things in terms of the timeline. Nothing wrong with that, but things are usually different in the first 6 to 8 weeks, are they not?

ETA: Even at this early stage, the man she is dating should still be able to express his desire to have her help out more financially. If he can't then they shouldn't be dating. They have to talk about this sometime!

no, my boyfriend and I have been doing it this way since the beginning. our first date was actually going to the theater with some tickets that I had already purchased. he knew I had the tickets and didn't have anyone to go with me, so he invited himself as my date. worked out pretty good. ;-)

and we've always been exactly like this, since that first date. he pays for about 2/3's of things, and I pay the rest. (I said I pay 25% earlier, but it's more like 1/3 now that I think about it.)