Past relationship baggage


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lizzy1999 is offline lizzy1999 Post #1  March 30,2011, 5:16am
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Okay, I've only been seeing my guy for 1.5 months and we've talked about his last serious relationship which ended last summer. He was honest with me about it and I thought it was a good conversation (she dumped him, he was very hurt, got over it, now thinks it was for the best that they broke up). He had a brief relationship before meeting me but it didn't work out due to different schedules.

I didn't think much of all this - everyone has past relationship baggage/hurt etc. However, he will make comments oh I really don't like that area or I had sworn off going there about Town A or Town B. I know Town A is where he lived with his last girlfriend and Town B is where that brief relationship didn't work out. I don't know why this bothers me but I am annoyed. So we should never visit Town A which is full of fun events because of this? It's not that he refuses to go, just makes these comments, and I don't feel comfortable saying oh let's go there. Thoughts? Or am I reading too much into this?
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #2  March 30,2011, 5:33am
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Ugh, that would annoy me. If he was truly over it, he wouldn't suck you into his mental drama every time you suggest a new restaurant/comedy club/whatever to try.

I don't know exactly what you're reading into it, but it doesn't sound particularly mature or reasonable to cross off entire geographical areas b/c of an ex.
 
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lizzy1999 is offline lizzy1999 Post #3  March 30,2011, 5:41am
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lunabeach wrote :
Ugh, that would annoy me. If he was truly over it, he wouldn't suck you into his mental drama every time you suggest a new restaurant/comedy club/whatever to try.

I don't know exactly what you're reading into it, but it doesn't sound particularly mature or reasonable to cross off entire geographical areas b/c of an ex.
That's exactly what I was reading into it. I find it totally uh, dumb and very unreasonable, actually. I don't like it and I think I need to say something. I don't know if it is a sign of not being over the past relationship or what, but it's getting on my nerves.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  March 30,2011, 5:44am
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It bothers you because it should. Just like with any relationship, with time your rose colored glasses are dropping off and you are starting to see him in a more natural light. This means seeing his problems and shortcomings and realizing that they are affecting you in negative ways. So the question we ask ourselves is what are we willing to do about it?

So he told you that he is over it and not carrying baggage, but his actions show the direct opposite of that. He clearly is carrying the baggage with him and allowing that baggage to limit his own life and now yours too.

So be honest with yourself first and foremost - can you really live like this? Deny yourself events and fun spots and things you want to do because of his baggage? I'm guessing not because even in your own post you are acknowledging that this is becoming aggravating. You don't want to build this up into full out resentment that will erupt one day. Which really leaves you with the option you know you have to take, but don't really want to - address it.

In this case probably simply insist on going and him going with you and see what happens. Maybe facing his "demons" and realizing that he can have fun there with you will help and maybe he'll continue on his old track. You won't know it until you try it. Just remember that you are not his mother or his therapist and should never feel like walking on eggshells in a relationship sacrificing all to cushion his "fragile" mind. In short, don't be a baggage enabler.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #5  March 30,2011, 6:50am
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Lizzy, I think you like this man a lot. Normally if I hadn't read your other threads I'd say he's out of order but perhaps he just doesn't want to be reminded of her or bump into her.

The other possibility is he doesn't want her to know about you.

I wouldn't make a big thing about it but I would tell him to "get a grip" and "man up" if possible.

This is the man who asked to be "exclusive" but you weren't ready then he grew on you and you worried you would lose him?

I would be more concerned if he constantly moans about the ex or she enters conversations too much. In which case it would indicate he isn't fully over her - in those situations you have to be very strong and at least give the other person a serious kick up the backside. There's a recent thread where a man called Simon was trying to deal with a dating scenario where his g/f wasn't over the ex - my comments on that thread about someone who isn't over an EX are quite forceful if you read them.
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lizzy1999 is offline lizzy1999 Post #6  March 30,2011, 7:11am
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
Lizzy, I think you like this man a lot. Normally if I hadn't read your other threads I'd say he's out of order but perhaps he just doesn't want to be reminded of her or bump into her.

The other possibility is he doesn't want her to know about you.

I wouldn't make a big thing about it but I would tell him to "get a grip" and "man up" if possible.

This is the man who asked to be "exclusive" but you weren't ready then he grew on you and you worried you would lose him?

I would be more concerned if he constantly moans about the ex or she enters conversations too much. In which case it would indicate he isn't fully over her - in those situations you have to be very strong and at least give the other person a serious kick up the backside. There's a recent thread where a man called Simon was trying to deal with a dating scenario where his g/f wasn't over the ex - my comments on that thread about someone who isn't over an EX are quite forceful if you read them.
Hi Steve,
Yes this is the same guy. Like DancingFool said, the rose-colored glasses are coming off - although a whole lot sooner than I expected. I think I will say something - nothing too forceful but something like, please don't write off an entire geographic area based on these experiences. And suggest we go anyway and see how he reacts (like DancingFool suggested).

I agree - it's not like he brings these women into the conversation ever. It's only when it comes to talking about a particular location some restaurant or event is located - that might bring memories to him I am guessing. Otherwise, he never mentions past relationships, other than this one time when he said living close to each other was so great as starting a relationship with someone living even an hour away was tough (and when we specifically discussed our past serious relationships). I might look up that thread you are talking about.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  March 30,2011, 7:30am
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As you go along in a relationship, you make your own memories.
I think one of the important things this guy has to realize is that new, better experiences with you...will, in time, offset the memories he associates with his older relationships.
It's not that different from the old "get back on the horse" adage, really.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #8  March 30,2011, 8:11am
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I disagree with some.....the fact he talks about it says he is past it.

Since you are in that new period of a relationship he doesnt want to go to places he went to frequently with his ex. He may take you later...but not now.

He thinks it would e unfair to you...especially if he brings you to this restaurant he frequently went with his ex and would send a signal to you that he isnt over her.

Same will be true when it comes to summer vacation places...you may want to go to a place he regularly went to with an ex and so going there would bring back memories which thus would bring up stories about his ex that you arent interested in hearing.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  March 30,2011, 8:19am
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lizzy1999 wrote :
I didn't think much of all this - everyone has past relationship baggage/hurt etc. However, he will make comments oh I really don't like that area or I had sworn off going there about Town A or Town B. I know Town A is where he lived with his last girlfriend and Town B is where that brief relationship didn't work out. I don't know why this bothers me but I am annoyed. So we should never visit Town A which is full of fun events because of this? It's not that he refuses to go, just makes these comments, and I don't feel comfortable saying oh let's go there. Thoughts? Or am I reading too much into this?
hes not over it. i know a guy that is like this. he talks at what seems like every opportunity about his ex. i even said something about it suggesting he wasnt over her and he insists that he is.... then a day or two later he will start talking about her again.

i wouldnt feel comfortable dating someone like that to be honest
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  March 30,2011, 8:42am
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Nanette, Lizzy says he doesn't bring the ex into conversation unless I misread her post. I agree with you that if someone talks about their ex too much then they are not the type I'd feel comfortable dating. I'd probably start by telling them to shut up!
 
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