Breaking it off with someone because they aren't holding their own in terms of paying


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smrt715 is offline smrt715 Post #1  March 29,2011, 10:34am
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If a girl you are going out with rarely picks up the check (if ever), and dating is turning out to be unsustainable because of the costs involved, would it be wrong to break it off with someone for that very reason? I have found that if a dating partner isn't willing to chip in from the onset, then there's no easy way to bring it up without it being awkward and uncomfortable. Is there any way of bringing up finances or hinting at having the other person chip in without making it an uneasy situation?
 
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richey is offline richey Post #2  March 29,2011, 10:44am
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oh no..... RUN FOR THE HILLS! TAKE COVER! here we go again!
lol

I don't know if there's a good way to bring it up, or one that wil make it smoother or less smoother. Perhaps you can try making a following date something where it would make sense to pay 1/2? Something like tickets to a show or game? (very easy to say, "k it was $35 per person for tickets") and see how they react...

I don't know buddy. i think this one you just either talk to her, see how she reacts. Your only other alternatives are to start forcing the issue and ask her to meet you AFTER dinners (so yo udon't go to dinner and you can go have dinner on your prior to) and select non-cover bars/clubs so there is no obligation on your part thru the night to pull out the wallet.

*shrugs* really got nothing for you on this one.

richey
Last edited by richey; March 29,2011 at 10:48am.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #3  March 29,2011, 10:48am
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It would be smarter to tell her you simply can't afford to continue paying for things at the level which you've been doing, and ask her for ideas of other options to consider. Her response to that will tell you all you need to know about where you really stand with her. THEN you'll know whether you should break it off, or whether she's worth her salt.

You could also suggest that you two do some things that don't cost any money (or very little) and see how she responds to that. We all only have a finite amount of disposable income, and if you two can't talk about this openly and honestly, I believe this relationship wasn't meant to be.
Last edited by Lindac7; March 29,2011 at 10:51am.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  March 29,2011, 10:51am
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smrt715 wrote :
If a girl you are going out with rarely picks up the check (if ever), and dating is turning out to be unsustainable because of the costs involved, would it be wrong to break it off with someone for that very reason? I have found that if a dating partner isn't willing to chip in from the onset, then there's no easy way to bring it up without it being awkward and uncomfortable. Is there any way of bringing up finances or hinting at having the other person chip in without making it an uneasy situation?
Look at it this way..if it's unsustainable, you're going to have ask her to chip in or you're going to have to break it off with her...so which is worse?
Doesn't sound like you have much to lose, at this point...
How long have you known her??

I haven't dated too many that did not at least offer to chip in..
Another idea would be to figure out some low cost dates.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #5  March 29,2011, 10:57am
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I recommend explaining your dilemma to her, and I would preface it by saying how much you enjoy her company. If she knows that your goal is to spend more time with her, then her reaction will be different than if she only knows you want to spend less money.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #6  March 29,2011, 11:03am
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Communication and the ability to discuss anything and everything is a key ingredient in a success relationship that is going to make it. Breaking up with her, without discussing it first is wrong. You need to learn to discuss these things with your partner.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #7  March 29,2011, 11:05am
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If you really can't admit to her that you can't afford to continue the status quo, a smoother, more subtle way to handle it is to suggest you do something next that costs next to nothing (maybe a drive to a nice location?), and ask if she'd like to contribute a picnic basket of food or something similar.

You could also suggest an evening in where you watch a movie and she provides the food. If she's smart and savvy, she'll pick up on your message and hopefully you can have an open discussion then.

Again, her reaction will tell you a lot.
 
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Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #8  March 29,2011, 11:06am
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annother wrote :
I recommend explaining your dilemma to her, and I would preface it by saying how much you enjoy her company. If she knows that your goal is to spend more time with her, then her reaction will be different than if she only knows you want to spend less money.
This is sound advice.

If you want, you can also preface with "I know a person's background has a huge effect on this, so I want to ask what your thoughts are on the matter... I don't want to give off the wrong message here".
 
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smrt715 is offline smrt715 Post #9  March 29,2011, 11:11am
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Lindac7: That's great advice. My goal is to make the situation as comfortable as possible, without ever actually having to bring the topic up. It's not that I'm against open communication, but there are always better ways of handling certain situations.

I normally wouldn't mind paying almost all the time, but I have found that I've had to cut back on a lot of things (hobbies, travel, eating out, etc.) in order to make dating work. I definitely believe in chivalry, but it only goes so far...I'm hoping that someone I'm dating understands sacrifices and is willing to make some on her end as well to make the relationship work.

The other solution my friends have recommended is to see the other person less.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  March 29,2011, 11:39am
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I kind of wonder what your idea of dating is and how you always choose to spend time together, because normally, relationships do kind of equalize over time. By that I mean that you quite naturally start having dates that are more about spending time with each other casually, such as a relaxing evening at home watching a movie, going to some free fun events around town, hanging out with friends at their house, doing other things where you both pitch in quite naturally, etc. How are you positioning yourself to be the sole mule pulling the wagon and breaking under the weight?
 
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