Breaking it off with someone because they aren't holding their own in terms of paying


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richey is offline richey Post #51  April 5,2011, 11:35am
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Linda,

My point is this....

A thread was started (not by me) asking women, "so if women made more money then men.... then who pays?"

The response (or lack of response) in that is very telling and blows your argument away ~ sorry to say.

Richey
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #52  April 5,2011, 12:11pm
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Sex & money... two of the biggest reasons relationships falter & two of the biggest problem areas when starting a new relationship. Part of the problem is we all come with such different expectations, based on our different life experiences & circumstances. And part of the problem is that we have such a hard time communicationg about these areas.
 
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ScottM is offline ScottM Post #53  April 5,2011, 6:05pm
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I'm old-school. The guy is responsible for all reasonable expenses in the dating process. However, if the girl has tastes that are too expensive for your means, I'd say that's an excellent excuse to break it off (politely, of course). I would suggest that first you ask her if this is what her tastes really are, or would she be content with less expensive outings. Maybe she's just going along with it because it's what you're offering.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #54  April 6,2011, 2:33am
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richey wrote :
Linda,

My point is this....

A thread was started (not by me) asking women, "so if women made more money then men.... then who pays?"

The response (or lack of response) in that is very telling and blows your argument away ~ sorry to say.

Richey
Richey,

Believe me, I understand what you're saying, and it does make sense.

The problem with this particular issue is that not everyone looks at it the same way - some women (and men) want the man to pay for most, or even all the dating expenses, while other women (and men) are perfectly willing (and even adamant) about paying 50%, or taking turns, or whatever works.

Therefore, it boils down to something that each couple needs to negotiate between themselves and leave everybody else out. This can only be worked out amicably between two people. A discussion such as this on a message board is never going to reach a point of agreement simply because all of us don't look at it the same way.

What each person feels is proper is dependent on two things: (1) how much money each person has in relation to the other, and (2) what each person is comfortable with inside the confines of their relationship. I believe that's all any of us really cares about.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #55  April 6,2011, 11:05am
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Linda,

For the most part I agree with you ~ it's for each couple to negotiate and everybody sees it differently.

What I found interesting from the "what if women made more money ~ then who pays?" thread is this: it really has nothing to do with how much money each individual makes. So really in the end, due to something like "tradition", a lot of women still insist that men pay for everything ~ and the reason is out of pure entitlement. women feel entitled to this and that somehow this entitlement is grandfathered in for eternity.

My rejection of this is for a reason I will admit now. i am not impressed with tradition and therefore will never see it as a viable argument for something. If the ONLY thing really going for somethign is that it's "tradition" ~ then i find that rather weak. Why?

Well, at some point certain "traditions" were also that blacks were slaves, women stayed at home and weren't educated, and female chinese babies were slaughtered so that the family had a chance to bring forward a son to carry on the family name. yeah.. NOT SO IMPRESSED with tradition.

So I will always find it curious, and rebel against the status quo when it says, "by default, the lowest common denominator is that the men are expected to pay ~ let each couple negotiate from there as they see fit." rather than... "by default, things are 50/50 and let each couple negotiate from there."

But in the end. It's obvious that this ("who pays?") is DEFINITELY or should be one of the significant "COMPATIBILITY INDICATORS" in matching any 2 people (and apparently as well as dogs vs cats lol).

In fact, someday I'll start my own matching service and use compatibility factors such as "who pays" and "dogs vs cats".... i think it'll do very well

Richey
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #56  April 6,2011, 11:20am
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Fighting against something because it is "tradition" is as bad as accepting something because it is "tradition".

I was raised to think for myself and make my own decisions. Therefore, I embrace that which I like and reject that with a do not. If I embrace something because it is "traditional", it is not because it is tradition but because I like it. Just as I don't accept something that is "modern" just because it is "modern".

I am, IMO, a perfect blend of modern and tradition. I take the best from both world, while throwing out that which I think is stupid. I seek a partner who is similar in his beliefs.

As a modern woman - I don't yell at men for opening the door for me.

As a traditional woman - I offer to contribute financially to the relationship (prior to marriage). After marriage it is a moot point because I believe in combining finances.

No one has ever accused me of not contributing my fair share to a relationship. In fact, I have been accused of contributing too much. One must remember, money is only the smallest and easiest thing to contribute to a relationship.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #57  April 6,2011, 11:28am
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great points Xable

No.. I"m dont' kick/scream just because something is "tradition". I'm not that blind-minded lol.

There are a lot of cool traditions out there. (Hedgehog Day for instance). But when somethign doens't make any sense, have any logic other than "it's a tradition", yeah.. that's when i'm not all that impressed.

Richey
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #58  April 6,2011, 12:34pm
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Interesting topic (probably because I am new here, lol).

I used to be one of those hyper independent women who made a good living and who had a very very hard time letting anyone else pay. I also attracted, not surprsingly, men/a husband who preferred a woman who took care of her own needs, financial and otherwise, without much input. After years of therapy, I am over that.

Actually a few things have changed. One, I understand now the thrill of treating another person. That it FEELS GOOD, especially in the early stages. Like giving a massage without expecting one back.

Two, I understand that some men have been insulted because however I presented it, they interpreted it as me thinking they didn't have the resources or ....something. That it came off as maybe mothering or not feminine by disrespecting their ability to choose and pay for a date. (This reaction varied by age, young men loved it; older men, laugh and reach for their wallet anyway, and middle-aged men got disgruntled).

Three, I became aware of the desire in myself to have a man who, in fact, LIKES to treat me and take care of me. (note: this is not at all the same as having a sugar daddy or a financial provider, but can be as simple as someone who wants to bring you soup when you are sick) This was of course my big growth area....to be vulnerable and allow/trust someone else to take charge and take care of me.

Four, I did a bunch of reading on gender dynamics. For example, John Gray (I know, groan) who talks both about the need of men to be ACTIVELY interested in a woman in order to pursue (as opposed to merely receptive to her interest) and a natural tendency of men to want to demonstrate their studliness/ability to provide resources. IE in dating "I am a good catch." Screwing with that is more, to my mind, than violating "tradition" it is screwing with our basic dynamics.

Five, men are used to having to pay and in fact fight for the check in work situations all the time. They WANT to pay. It hits some nerve. I had to remind myself if he treats his business partners this way, why shouldn't he treat me this way....??? In business as in life partners, what goes around comes around.

That said, after a certain number of dates, four or five, probably, I would expect to go to less fancy/more casual situations, hikes instead of fancy meals, to make dinner, make cookies and drop them off, and start to pay for items along the way (tickets, drinks, etc), plan dates that are "my turn" and contribute to trips. (but sometimes I still have to fight myself and keep my hands in my lap and not reach for my wallet on early dates).
Last edited by KikiAZ; April 6,2011 at 12:41pm.
 
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