Do old-fashioned dating rules still apply'?


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NBdater is offline NBdater Post #21  March 28,2011, 5:48am
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boomer_gal wrote :
For the record, I always offer to pay on the first date. Usually, the guy insists on paying & he gets points for that. After not very many dates, I need to feel that I am contributing to the cost of our events. Could be I pay the tip, could be we alternate paying. What I totally hate is splitting the check. Nope, that is a total romance buster in my book! Not that I have had that much experience dating since my divorce, but if I did end up dating someone who was obviously much more financially comfortable than I am, I would be open to being treated more often. If we are apparantly in a similar bracket, I would expect it to be closer to 50/50 (though I loathe keeping score). And if he made a lot less than me, I would expect (over time) to be paying for more of the events, unless that messed with his masculine sensibilities. You never know!
This was an excellent post!

On the first date I always pick up the check if I have asked the lady out, which is usually the case. Women instinctively appreciate this and I feel I make points with them. Sometimes a woman asks me out on the first date. Say she has tickets to the ballet, a concert or wants to take me to a party. What I do is offer to drive, pay the parking, dinner before or drinks afterward but I never offer to contribute to the cost of the tickets she has already purchased.

As a relationship develops the associated costs get worked out along the lines of our relative ability to pay. As in the quoted post I have found splitting the check a total romance buster. Switching back and forth on who pays but not formally keeping tabs is the way to go. By the way, I have found the younger the woman the more egalitarian her attitude. Some of my far younger dates have sometimes arranged to get their credit cards to the waiter ahead of time if they have felt I have been carrying too much of the dating costs. On the other hand, from what males who date them tell me older women they date seem to have a sense of entitlement and expect the man to pay all the time. These women plan to just cook dinner for their man now and then and the like.
 
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Bronzino is offline Bronzino Post #22  March 28,2011, 6:22am
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Nanette wrote :
because nanette understands that a man will not pay (or will begrudgingly pay) for someone that he is not really interested in. a man will want to pay if he cares about what kind of impression he wants to make. if he *expects* on any level for me to pay early on, then yeah thats a dealbreaker. its for the same reasons i dont ask guys out or initiate.

when we've established that, then i will offer later on to pick something up, or will bake him cookies or something else that he likes.

if i feel like a guy wants me to grab the check or if he asks me to chip in i will, but i wouldnt go out with him again. we're obviously on a different page and there are definitely women that will pay half all of the time. they need to find each other
Well said - I am in complete agreement.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #23  March 28,2011, 7:38am
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I've never had to buy my way into a woman or a lady's affections via paying for dinner and I've never considered "romance" is something that can be purchased.

I think I've been fortunate in meeting and then dating quite a few from internet dating sites who pay their own way, turn up at my house with bottles of wine, do their fair share of the driving etc etc.

I've also met the other types who are after a free ride, I chucked them back into the dating pool so some other guys could have their wallets emptied.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; March 28,2011 at 7:43am.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #24  March 28,2011, 8:50am
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oh god another pool to "educate"

its not about buying someones affections. its about ascertaining the intent of the man. and not ascertaining how much money he has or what he will pay, but as i said in my earlier post what his level of affection for me is. nothing more, nothing less. men wont spend money on someone that they arent serious about getting to know.
 
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gillian99 is offline gillian99 Post #25  March 28,2011, 8:56am
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
This isn't aimed at anyone but just my thoughts on using the term "offer".

You should never "offer" to pay. you should be clear about your intentions and either say you are paying or don't bother.

"Offering" is exactly that. Just an "offer".
exactly. when I pay, I pay. I don't offer. you either pay or you don't.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #26  March 28,2011, 9:28am
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Nanette wrote :
lol in fact awhile back *someone* bumped a bunch of the "who pays?" threads and i think there were, like, 15 at the top of the dating section. it was hilarious.

Renee didn't think it was so funny.
Last edited by tweet37; March 28,2011 at 9:38am.
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #27  March 28,2011, 10:21am
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NBdater wrote :
On the other hand, from what males who date them tell me older women they date seem to have a sense of entitlement and expect the man to pay all the time. These women plan to just cook dinner for their man now and then and the like.
I think it is not a sense of entitlement so much as that is the way things were when we older women started dating. So it is kind of imprinted into us that this is the way things are supposed to work. And that is why I "offer" to pay on the first date. With people my age (late 50s), for the most part the guys still seem to expect to pay initially. And as I said before, Indian wrestling for the check isn't my style. I have slipped my card to the waiter on my way to the ladies' room on subsequent dates with guys that are reluctant to allow me to contribute.

Ed. to add that only here do I feel like an "older woman".
Last edited by boomer_gal; March 28,2011 at 10:36am.
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #28  March 28,2011, 10:35am
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gillian99 wrote :
exactly. when I pay, I pay. I don't offer. you either pay or you don't.
I'm curious... It seems like if the guy has it on his mind that he will be paying, then you have three options:
1) smile & say thank you
2) offer (genuinely) to pay all or a portion of the check
3) force the issue, which can be awkward

Really, I haven't had much post divorce dating experience to draw on, but this is how it goes with my best friend when we go out to eat. I am all for just alternating, but in truth, we end up forgetting who paid last time & since she can't drive, she seems to feel the need to pay for meals more often. Even with my girlfriend, I hate how the end of the meal can get wrapped up in "who pays". I want & expect to pay my own way over the course of time. I just intensely dislike how it can play out on any given meal. With my friend, it has almost evolved into a game between us. I'm not sure that I see how that could work well in a romantic relationship, but as I said, I have limited experience in this venue.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #29  March 28,2011, 11:54am
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Nanette wrote :
oh god another pool to "educate"

its not about buying someones affections. its about ascertaining the intent of the man. and not ascertaining how much money he has or what he will pay, but as i said in my earlier post what his level of affection for me is. nothing more, nothing less. men wont spend money on someone that they arent serious about getting to know.
My affection level can not be worked out by my intent to pay and I believe this is a poor guage you are using. I do know someone men who you can work out their desire to reach a short term objective based on their intent to pay.

Also a woman can not work out how serious I am about getting to know her based on whether or not I wish to spend money on her. But I do know some men who you can work out how serious they are about getting you into bed based on their wining and dining you.

I also met plenty of women via "match" who were willing to go to bed with me if I wined and dined them first.

I believe the desire to pay for a woman's meal as being motivated by a)the desire to increase the chances of the woman wanting to desire sex and b)the fear of being rejected if the woman takes offense at having to pay for her own meal.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; March 28,2011 at 11:56am.
 
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sr71blackbird is offline sr71blackbird Post #30  March 28,2011, 5:34pm
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
My affection level can not be worked out by my intent to pay and I believe this is a poor guage you are using. I do know someone men who you can work out their desire to reach a short term objective based on their intent to pay.

Also a woman can not work out how serious I am about getting to know her based on whether or not I wish to spend money on her. But I do know some men who you can work out how serious they are about getting you into bed based on their wining and dining you.

I also met plenty of women via "match" who were willing to go to bed with me if I wined and dined them first.

I believe the desire to pay for a woman's meal as being motivated by a)the desire to increase the chances of the woman wanting to desire sex and b)the fear of being rejected if the woman takes offense at having to pay for her own meal.
Steve, your last two posts have been dead on the money.

I can't get the thought out of my mind that some women want to be "bought off" to spend time together. I thought we were looking for the same thing? A relationship of equals.
 
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