time to call it quits?


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datingintx is offline datingintx Post #1  March 25,2011, 1:38pm
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I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months now. At first we were infatuated with each other but now that phase has worn off. He's recently divorced so our relationship started out as he was coming out of his marriage. As we've gotten to know each other, we have realized that we are very different in a lot of ways. Add to that the fact we spend most of our time together having sex. We both had a conversation about this, because we think we may be only staying together because the sex is good (and by good i mean awesome ). Our physical connection is still very strong and effortless, but everything else that makes a good relationship (communication, resolving conflict, etc.) needs some work.

So is good sex clouding something that really won't work out in the long run? Should I cut my losses or try to make a relationship out if it?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  March 25,2011, 2:32pm
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not much to go by in your post but i would say this was a rebound "relationship" for him. depending on the circumstances, of course, someone just coming out of a divorce usually isnt ready in many ways to pick up with someone else in a more serious relationship. i guess what you should do depends on what you really want if you feel that you are otherwise incompatible.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #3  March 25,2011, 2:56pm
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I think the first relationship after divorce is really difficult for some. That's why I never date a man fresh off of a divorce especially if I am looking for a serious relationship. I don't want to be anyone's "rebound girl." If I'm just looking for fun then maybe I would. And that's also why I waited a long time to date after my divorce. I went out with a few guys just for fun and companionship after I had been divorced for a while. I didn't get involved sexually because I was just looking to have some fun.

You do have to figure out what you want in a relationship. Sounds like all you really like about being in this relationship is that the sex is good. Good sex doesn't make for a full relationship.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #4  March 25,2011, 3:20pm
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Good sex does not make for a full relationship, that is true for sure. But, it can be a decent reason to keep giving it a shot for a while if you think there is any chance.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #5  March 26,2011, 1:56am
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You dont want a relationship defined by sex as being the main driver.

I think this is the reason for many of the divorces. People stay together because the sex is great and ignore who the person is. Then over time, after marriage the sex dies down then you see what you have ---some are able to adjust and still love but with others this leads to divorce.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #6  March 26,2011, 4:11am
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What are the odds that the first one you date after your divorce is the right one for you? I'd guess it's something close to 1 million to 1.

Unless you two are able to compromise and negotiate a fully functional relationship, you simply don't have what it takes. Sex is sex (no matter how great), but a long-term relationship requires more - like love, respect and consideration.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #7  March 26,2011, 5:20am
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To give you a really helpful answer, I'd need to understand better how conflict resultion in your relationship goes or doesn't go. I have learned from my previous relationships and 21yr marriage, that this a key element to a functional and satisfying relationship.

Understanding what you both eventually seek from this relationship, where you see it going, is an important conversation to have with him. If he is not lookng for an LTR, then his motivation to be serious about making it work won't be there.

I don't believe in the "rebound" theory. Just from my personal experience I know many couple who left their marriage for another love and many years later are still with that person. So, if people can go from one relationship directly into another and sustain it over the long term, then I think the newly divorced can as well.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  March 26,2011, 9:57am
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datingintx wrote :
I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months now. At first we were infatuated with each other but now that phase has worn off. He's recently divorced so our relationship started out as he was coming out of his marriage. As we've gotten to know each other, we have realized that we are very different in a lot of ways. Add to that the fact we spend most of our time together having sex. We both had a conversation about this, because we think we may be only staying together because the sex is good (and by good i mean awesome ). Our physical connection is still very strong and effortless, but everything else that makes a good relationship (communication, resolving conflict, etc.) needs some work.

So is good sex clouding something that really won't work out in the long run? Should I cut my losses or try to make a relationship out if it?
You need to read your own OP for an answer. The important part of your post is highlighted in red.

Yes and Yes.

And as some of the others have mentioned, you are a rebound. I really can't say that I have ever heard of a rebound becoming a for life relationship.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  March 26,2011, 11:47am
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I don't know -- you don't say you can't stand him, or he does this or that awful thing -- you just say that things like communication, resolving conflict, etc. "need some work". You could say that about the world's most successful relationship!

Are you happy? Are you experiencing feelings of love or headed that way? Is your relationship developing? Are you starting to trust him? Do you respect him?
 
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datingintx is offline datingintx Post #10  March 28,2011, 12:38pm
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In the beginning things were going great. i think we were both still in the infatuation stage for the first 2 months. i'm sure i was a bit of a retreat in the beginning as divorces are rough. however at this point as we have gotten to know each other better, we were concerned that we might not be compatible because we don't have a lot in common. we've had a few arguments but we seem to be able to talk things out and come to a resolution eventually. making up is fun too :-D

we've grown to respect each other's different points of view, and there have been some trust issues because we both have baggage from being cheated on in the past. like most men (i assume, i know this is a stereotype/generalization) he's not crazy about talking about his feelings, but we have had some pretty deep discussions about where we both are in our lives right now.

bottom line is i know we are out of the "honeymoon" phase, and i'm not sure if we're just cooling off a little or if we really may not be compatible.
 
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