Might've found "her"...how do I not scare her off?


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KevinMcy is offline KevinMcy Post #1  March 14,2011, 2:56pm
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So. There's this girl I met. The first time she called me I think we ended up talking for 3-3.5hrs. Ever since that first phone call we've been texting each other like crazy and we'll usually talk on the phone for 1.5-3hrs. It's pretty insane, I'm not sure if I've ever felt this strongly for someone. I for sure haven't ever developed these feelings for anyone over such a short amount of time. I know she likes me...she tells me she can't stop thinking about me and I feel the same way about her. We've been doing the whole text/phone thing for about 2 weeks (she's a 4.5hr drive away which I would've made in a heartbeat if she hadn't gone on a family vacation). We're meeting this weekend for a lunch date and I get the feeling that she's expecting something really romantic. Does anyone out there have an idea of anything romantic I could do without scaring her off?

Right now I'm thinking about asking her to go on a short walk with me after lunch and going over to a flower shop/stand where I'd have preordered a couple flowers (I'm thinking blue/white tulips because they're her favorite colors--I know stargazers are her favorite flowers but I think it might be a little too much).

Any help? I really really really REALLY like this girl and I think she might like me too...I want to sweep her off her feet but I'm worried about what's appropriate for a first encounter.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #2  March 14,2011, 5:39pm
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so you haven't met her yet? you say you met her in the first line, but then you end saying it's a first encounter.

if you haven't met yet, as wonderful as the phone calls and stuff may be, you won't know if there is chemistry until you meet in person. so don't get your hopes up too much. I think keeping it low-key and not taking flowers or doing anything big like that is best. you're meeting at a restaurant. where would she put the flowers? it's kind of awkward to have flowers to deal with when you're not at home. the gesture is nice, but it makes for a bit of awkwardness. and if you haven't met her yet, you want it to be as natural and normal as possible.

now, if you have met her already, then that might be a little different, you could take her a small book, something funny that she might enjoy. I would still skip the flowers, tho.

good luck!
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #3  March 14,2011, 6:25pm
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Welcome to the boards, Kevin. Let's look at this from a few angles.

I have personal experience in both:

a) The thought process, "how do I not scare her off?"

b) Getting close to someone via email / phone / text before the first date.

B, in fact, culminated a couple of days ago, on Saturday.

BOTH thought processes culminated in Fantastic Failures.

First - do NOT try to think, "how do I not scare her off?" You absolutely must project confidence, compassion, flirty fun energy on your date. You must simply be with her in the moment. The moment you start contemplating "how do I not scare her off", your mind will start looking for signals that you are scaring her off. It will mis-interpret little nuances of how she acts as false positives. You will try to over-correct... and start sending out nervous energy... and you will scare her off!

The flower stand idea is a great one. Run with it! One of two things will happen. If she is not into you, she will think you are creepy and it will repel her. (Yeah, I've had that happen, too...) if she IS into you, she will think it's romantic and it will get you bonus points!

So about two and a half weeks ago I started corresponding with an eH match. She was perfect on paper... we got along great in e-mail, played off of each other in how we wrote, sent texts daily. When it came to the date on Saturday, the attraction simply wasn't there. For me, physical attraction isn't something I can "learn" or "create with work", it is either there or it isn't.

I wish you the best of luck... on your date, just be with her in the moment. Hopefully you'll have better luck than I did!

Cheers,
-Sp
 
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LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #4  March 14,2011, 8:47pm
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Giving flowers is thoughtful and romantic.
Let us know how your date turns out. Hope you have fun!
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  March 14,2011, 9:52pm
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I like the flower idea. Some women won't. Well ... no matter what you do, some woman won't like it. It's not creepy or anything so just go for it -- be yourself.

I will caution you though that talking over the phone is just not the same thing as meeting in person. You might find you also connect really well in person, but you might not. Or she might not. Keep an open mind. Remember she might be different from the vision you've developed in your mind of her, but ... maybe she's even better than you realize! (And maybe not.) So stay open to possibilities.

Have fun and good luck!
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #6  March 14,2011, 9:54pm
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Actually, I would hold off on the flowers and wait a few dates in before you do that. I really like the idea of going for a walk, just happening by a flower stand, and then finding out a guy pre-ordered me flowers. Very romantic but... why too much for a first date when you haven't even met.

I know you *think* you really really like this lady but you just won't know until you meet and spend some time with her. Gifts or flowers on a first date are always a bit awkward for me and although a sweet gesture come off a little too strong for my liking. Flowers or other small tokens of affection mean soooo much more to me when they are given after I know for a fact you really do dig me.

Also, I agree with Sparkles, stop thinking "how do I not scare her off" and start think about having fun and just getting to know her.
 
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eDisharmony is offline eDisharmony Post #7  March 14,2011, 11:43pm
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KevinMcy wrote :
It's pretty insane, I'm not sure if I've ever felt this strongly for someone. I for sure haven't ever developed these feelings for anyone over such a short amount of time. I know she likes me...she tells me she can't stop thinking about me and I feel the same way about her."
The two of you have never met and you're talking about ~2 weeks here... There can't be legitimate genuine feelings of this intensity unless you're both idealizing each other. The distance is just causing you both to feel longing etc.

It's cool to be excited to meet her, but draw the line there. Neither of you have any idea what the other is really like and how you'll still feel in person.

I don't think flowers are really appropriate here, but it also wasn't appropriate for her to say she can't stop thinking about a man she has never actually met...

Just take her to a nice place for lunch, get to know her, hang out for a bit, and see what happens.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  March 15,2011, 2:26am
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Dude, if she read your post she'd probably be scared off. You haven't even met and you're in love with words on a computer screen. And forget the flowers. What....she's supposed to carry them around all day?? Save the flowers for a special occasion.

Another question....She's traveling 4.5 hours to see you?? You better have something better planned than lunch and a walk in the park or there's going to be an awfully lot of dead silence and that's not going to sweep anyone off their feet. Look for some kind of exhibit or music performance that isn't too bucksy to fill the day.

And if she's spending the night somewhere (either your place or hotel) you need to have something planned for the next day too. Maybe breakfast at the diner or brunch and some mini golf. Something fun.

Again,....ixnay on the flowers.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  March 15,2011, 6:24am
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Save the flowers for another time. It will be awkward to carry them around and you may come across way too strong, i.e. scary.

Also, cool your jets - since you have never actually met, you have no clue what you two will be like in person and whether there will actually be any attraction. So often these kinds of things fall flat fast and I think just about everyone who has ever tried the online thing has gone through that. Fantastic online and on the phone, and nothing at all in person. I hope that won't be the case for you, but still, chill out a bit.

She is driving 4.5 hours to see you. That's a long trip, so I would plan more than just a casual lunch and a walk in the park. She is putting in quite an effort to meet you, the least you can do is match it by planning a more interesting and involved date. Are there any interesting events happening that day that you could take her to? Anything else that's neat to see in your area, maybe even a little touristy? Is she staying overnight or actually turning around and driving back that same day?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  March 15,2011, 8:10am
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I agree with tweet.
You really need more than a lunch date planned, for all her effort involved in just getting there..

As has been suggested, look around for touristy things to do...even though they seem goofy sometimes, they can be pretty fun if you are with someone who doesn't even know the area.
You can Google the "50 Things to Do In(insert city or state here)"
Many of them are free or little money.
Most states/cities have tourism websites they host for this.


I'd say a single flower is thoughtful, but forget the bouquet....too much.

I take it you are not going out to dinner, and that she's headed back the same day?
In the future, you could try meeting halfway(or maybe you already thought of that)...that way, it doesn't take 9 hours out of a single day, just in travel time...for one person.
here is a site for suggested halfway meeting places:
MeetWays - Meet in the Middle - Find a point of interest between two addresses

Good luck.. but relax...have fun.
 
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