online multi-dating is not my thing...


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azrunner is offline azrunner Post #1  March 5,2011, 7:03pm
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I met a guy on another site. He lives on the other side of the States so meeting right away would have been almost impossible. We seemed to hit it off and were soon communicating daily for an hour or two. This went on for more than 2 weeks and most of that time we were on skype using a webcam. To me, it was like going on at least 10 dates as communicating via a webcam on skype felt very date-y. Anyway, after I accidentally sent him a fb message meant for my sister stating my interest, he informed me ever so nicely that he is dating around. I was surprised because although we hadn't discussed it, we were spending hours in communication every day. He still wanted to get to know me, but he didn't want to stop writing others. This I can understand and appreciate as one can not be sure about a connection until one meets someone; however, I'm a very busy single mom working on a PhD and don't have time to spend hours each day getting to know someone who is also getting to know multiple other people. Also, he is 47 and has never married so I am concerned that he may never want to commit to one person. I decided that I just couldn't spend study time each night communicating with him considering the circumstances. I was told by some that I was being the strange one, and even he seemed to think so. Even if time were not an issue, I still struggle with multi-dating in the case when people are sharing so much about themselves and as a result, at least in my case, feeling very close to the other person. I'd avoid long distance matches if there were more local options, but so far, the local options have been few. Does anyone else struggle with this?
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #2  March 5,2011, 7:15pm
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azrunner wrote :
Does anyone else struggle with this?
Even when the matches are (somewhat) local you get the same kind of thing going on. You could try bringing it up before the first date, but I'm not sure how many people would be willing to do exclusivity on the first date.

I need to meet a woman to see if there's a connection. If I'm emailing a few women, all of whom are very compelling, I'd like to see what kind of connection I have with all of them before I become exclusive with one of them.

On the same token, I've been on the receiving end of, "Hey, it was a great date, but there's this other guy..." I just swallow my ego and move on. That's all you really can do.
 
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alexlass is offline alexlass Post #3  March 5,2011, 7:25pm
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I also struggle with this kind of situation....but as another member wrote, the same thing can happen with local matches...just that you'd hopefully get to meet them sooner. One of the nicest men I met on EH lived on the other side of the country and we discussed right up front that the distance was a serious challenge. We even talked about it through our questions to each other in the guided communication. I respected this very much.

One of the hardest things is to find the right match in terms of communication style and openness and it's possible to burn up a lot of emotional energy in the process. All you can do is communicate fairly and honestly from your end, and see if he is in a similar place. I think it is odd to invest hours at a time communicating with someone who you seem to like so much, and not move towards meeting or whatever is the next stage of "filtering." I would be suspicious of someone who used up his - and my- time in this manner.

About being 47 and still single....a lot of people are late bloomers because of putting things off due to education, work etc. Here in the big Eastern cities, there are many people who don't get married but still have long-term relationships. I meet a lot of men whose "clock" starts ticking after the age of 45. I would not be put off by that at all but if I had clear expectations to settle down and have kids, I would discuss that with him early on...in a general way....without making it seem like I was rushing ahead with him. It is natural and fair to convey this, just a question of how you do it. I have met men who made it very clear to me within the first few dates that they did or did not want children, and talked to me about it. This was even before any serious relationship talk.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #4  March 5,2011, 7:29pm
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The thing about multi dating is that a lot of people are doing it... but that doesn't mean you have to. If you don't feel comfortable dating more than one person at a time, then don't.

But, you will have to accept that most people you will date, especially online, are also dating others. Even if you choose not to, you cannot "demand" exclusivity of someone who does not want to give it. It's certainly easier when both parties are multi dating, but then in some ways it's harder to decide who/when to date exclusively.

I have not run into this yet myself, and I am not thrilled with the idea of multi dating. But, I accept that that's "just the way it is", especially with the advent of online dating.
 
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LovelyLinda04 is offline LovelyLinda04 Post #5  March 5,2011, 9:30pm

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On the surface it seems that you've met an internet playboy.
At age 47 and still single he is not getting on a plane anytime soon to meet you or accept responsibility for you or your child. His game is emotional seduction, give it some thought?

Think of him as a friend that you chat with once or twice a month and leave it at that or it might hamper your chance to meet someone local. Don't waste your time. Good Luck.

L.L.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  March 5,2011, 9:38pm
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I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone you've never met in person to drop dating other women. A lot of LDRs fizzle before ever meeting each other; a lot of first-meets, local or long-distance, don't go anywhere.

It's a problem, and the only way to address it really is try to meet ASAP. You might want to restrict your distance settings to something more manageable: a distance you'd be willing to drive over a weekend, say. 200 miles?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  March 6,2011, 2:17am
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This is not a relationship.......it is a virtual cyber romance. Why worry about his dating or commitment history when he is only an image on your computer?

If you want a real relationship use online methods to actually meet people.

If both of you enjoy hiding behind a screen for "romance" then leave it at that......Good Luck.
azrunner wrote :
This went on for more than 2 weeks and most of that time we were on skype using a webcam. To me, it was like going on at least 10 dates as communicating via a webcam on skype felt very date-y.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  March 6,2011, 4:09am
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azrunner wrote :
Anyway, after I accidentally sent him a fb message meant for my sister stating my interest...
...'accidentally"? ...really?

...as in, "I accidentally on purpose put his name in the address line of a message that looked like it was written to my sister in hopes of tricking him into an early exclusivity talk"?

Yeah, I suppose not ...because that's just crazy talk.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  March 6,2011, 6:31am
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Well, you have two dilemmas..
One is the distance between your matches..the other is devoting too much time to one match.
You may not be able to do too much to change the first issue, but you certainly can adopt a new strategy for the second one.
You can be on Skype 24/7..that doesn't mean that person isn't going to date others or flake(poof) on you...

So...eureka!..what you discovered now, is that others are doing this also, which they should be.

You say your time is precious...
That's exactly why(whether you are using a dating site to date locally or not)you simply must communicate with more than one person until you get to a meeting, then, you have the luxury of deciding whether the spark is there, or whether it is time to move on.
Good luck.
Last edited by TheThinker; March 6,2011 at 6:34am.
 
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frogprince is offline frogprince Post #10  March 6,2011, 7:21am
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azrunner wrote :
I met a guy on another site. He lives on the other side of the States so meeting right away would have been almost impossible. We seemed to hit it off and were soon communicating daily for an hour or two. This went on for more than 2 weeks and most of that time we were on skype using a webcam. To me, it was like going on at least 10 dates as communicating via a webcam on skype felt very date-y. Anyway, after I accidentally sent him a fb message meant for my sister stating my interest, he informed me ever so nicely that he is dating around. I was surprised because although we hadn't discussed it, we were spending hours in communication every day. He still wanted to get to know me, but he didn't want to stop writing others. This I can understand and appreciate as one can not be sure about a connection until one meets someone; however, I'm a very busy single mom working on a PhD and don't have time to spend hours each day getting to know someone who is also getting to know multiple other people. Also, he is 47 and has never married so I am concerned that he may never want to commit to one person. I decided that I just couldn't spend study time each night communicating with him considering the circumstances. I was told by some that I was being the strange one, and even he seemed to think so. Even if time were not an issue, I still struggle with multi-dating in the case when people are sharing so much about themselves and as a result, at least in my case, feeling very close to the other person. I'd avoid long distance matches if there were more local options, but so far, the local options have been few. Does anyone else struggle with this?
You aren't dating. Talking online is not dating. Once you have been on a number of real dates and have been intimate is the time to talk about being exclusive and not multi-dating. Right now you basically have a pen pal. You need to be realistic about the situation.
 
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