Need help! situation involving friend and a girl who I dated


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jfh22 is offline jfh22 Post #1  February 9,2011, 6:38pm
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So this girl I used to date(I still kinda have a thing for her), went to get coffee with a good friend of mine they are in the same class. She didn't know they we were friends and he didn't and still doesn't know that we dated.

But I guess I did come up in conversation and she now knows we a good friends and he knows I know her but I didn't tell him I dated her(she probably didn't either. He didn't really say much other then I went out to coffee with this chick that has the same class as me and she is pretty cute. I just said oh yea I know her pretty well.

Should I assume this was kind of harmless coffee also should I tell him that I use to date her and If he says something like do you mind if I take her out or something should I say "no" if I truly would mind. I just feel kinda weird cause he is a good friend of mine and I still do like her and we still do talk a bit.

I would think that once she knows that I'm good friends with him she wouldn't want to see him anymore (if the coffee wasent harmless). Oh and yes I have moved on and I am seeing other girls it just seems weird to me when its one of my friends. I know I wouldn't try and date one of her friends if I found that out. What do you think?
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #2  February 9,2011, 6:41pm
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I think he would depend on how long you dated her. Was it just dating or where you in a relationship? How long?

I have a feeling you didn't date very long since your good friend didn't know about her. If that is the case, it should be fair game for them to go out if they want to.
 
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jfh22 is offline jfh22 Post #3  February 9,2011, 6:54pm
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beccaf87 wrote :
I think he would depend on how long you dated her. Was it just dating or where you in a relationship? How long?

I have a feeling you didn't date very long since your good friend didn't know about her. If that is the case, it should be fair game for them to go out if they want to.
We dated for 6 months, still unsure why we stopped seeing each other, cause she still likes to talk hang out with mutual friends. but my good friend is a pretty busy guy works a lot and school so they just never met, I guess we never considered it a "serious relationship" but it kinda was.

This is just a really weird situation for me as this has never happened to me and I don't really know how to go about it.

But then again it could just be harmless on her/his part as it was just coffee. But the fact he said she was really cute made it seem like he was into her at least a little bit.
Last edited by jfh22; February 9,2011 at 6:56pm. Reason: more detail
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #4  February 9,2011, 7:04pm
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jfh22 wrote :
We dated for 6 months, still unsure why we stopped seeing each other, cause she still likes to talk hang out with mutual friends. but my good friend is a pretty busy guy works a lot and school so they just never met, I guess we never considered it a "serious relationship" but it kinda was.

This is just a really weird situation for me as this has never happened to me and I don't really know how to go about it.

But then again it could just be harmless on her/his part as it was just coffee. But the fact he said she was really cute made it seem like he was into her at least a little bit.
With that time frame then I wouldn't want a friend to date the person either. However, I understand your friend was too busy to meet her, but you never talked about her? That seems kind of odd to me.
 
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jfh22 is offline jfh22 Post #5  February 9,2011, 7:14pm
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beccaf87 wrote :
With that time frame then I wouldn't want a friend to date the person either. However, I understand your friend was too busy to meet her, but you never talked about her? That seems kind of odd to me.
I did talk about her a lot, but he is kinda scatter brained so I feel he never put two and two together or just forgot her name idk. When he was like " oh I had coffee with this girl from class, she said she knew knew you and said her name was ......" I was almost like uhhh are you serious.

Next time he brings her up, should I say that was that chick that I dated?

and do you think I should say something to her like I herd you had coffee/are in the same class as my friend.... and see what she says?
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #6  February 9,2011, 7:14pm
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So it sounds like you're a 20 something student who dated a girl for 6 months but you are no longer dating. Further, you're dating others now.

IMO, it's total unreasonable for you to want your friend not to date her. You're all young and should be meeting many people. You have no ownership here, if she still has feelings for you, she can choose not to date him. But they are both well within their rights to explore a relationship.

I'm also very confused by why you just didn't tell your friend you two had dated when she came up in conversation. This is all sounding very immature frankly.
 
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jfh22 is offline jfh22 Post #7  February 9,2011, 7:26pm
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beachgirl5 wrote :
So it sounds like you're a 20 something student who dated a girl for 6 months but you are no longer dating. Further, you're dating others now.

IMO, it's total unreasonable for you to want your friend not to date her. You're all young and should be meeting many people. You have no ownership here, if she still has feelings for you, she can choose not to date him. But they are both well within their rights to explore a relationship.

I'm also very confused by why you just didn't tell your friend you two had dated when she came up in conversation. This is all sounding very immature frankly.

I somewhat agree, I am 20 something and I do not care if she dates other people, I am not saying I have ownership over her, Its just a close friend of mine so it makes it a little weird for me since I still kinda have feelings/like her.

and I didn't bring it up in the conversation cause it was just a short over the phone convo and I was a little thrown off when he said that I was like almost like you don't remember that was the chick i was dating but yes i probably should have said something you are right.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #8  February 9,2011, 7:42pm
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If you have unresolved feeling for this girl, resolve them. let her know how you feel and see if there's a future.

You can't avoid everyone your friends have dated and can't expect them to avoid your ex's. In your hookup generation it seems near impossible anyway.

From what my twenty something tells me, at her college everyone is hooking up with everyone. It would be impossible to follow who all of her friends have dated.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #9  February 9,2011, 7:46pm
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beachgirl5 wrote :
If you have unresolved feeling for this girl, resolve them. let her know how you feel and see if there's a future.

You can't avoid everyone your friends have dated and can't expect them to avoid your ex's. In your hookup generation it seems near impossible anyway.

From what my twenty something tells me, at her college everyone is hooking up with everyone. It would be impossible to follow who all of her friends have dated.
I would agree with that for casually dating someone or just going out with someone a few times. I would disagree that after a few months or more of dating that the person should be off limits. I have never gone after a friends ex and would be upset if a good friend tried to go out with one of mine. However if I had only gone out on a few dates but wasn't interested, then I would have no problem with a friend giving it a go.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #10  February 9,2011, 7:57pm
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Off limits for who? Your 2 best friends? Your 50 frat brothers?
 
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