Dating someone you already DATED! Going "backwards" okay?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  February 1,2011, 5:58pm
jussmile's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

Seattle

Posts: 3,837

See profile

Interested in understanding people's opinions of going backwards (if you want to call it that). Is this a sign of rebound? Is it okay to date someone you've already dated, as long as you've really thought about the reasons you broke up with that person in the first place?

I'm sure each of these experiences will be unique and different, but I also think there is a commonality in what makes people decide to go backwards... I can think of a few reasons:

1) you figured out that 80% was good enough... is this settling?
2) the person you just broke up with was so much worse than the person you initially broke up with... that you figure you overlooked a good catch.
3) you broke up with the person for reasons that you now realize were not important... or you think those things have changed (or they've told you those things have changed).
4) you're on the rebound and looking for love?


Hmmm... typing this, I thought I had a number of "good" reasons for going backwards, seems to all be around the same type of thing... you go backwards because you've adjusted your criteria basically for what you're willing to accept.

Am I missing something here? There has to be more "positive" reasons for going backwards.

Yes... I'm personally looking to "go backwards."

Also, does your time together count for the full time when you initially started dating? Or, do you start the clock over?
 
  Reply With Quote
LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #2  February 1,2011, 6:07pm

Unregistered

Joined: May 2008

SoCal

Posts: 7,705

See profile

I don't see why you can't if he is still willing.

I personally have not done this since when I am done it is usually over something that I just can't get passed (talking relationships here).

I think the clock restarts.

(So, just curious Jussmile about the other guy that you were recently dating - did you end it with him or did he finally? Just curious...I was wondering what happened.)
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  February 1,2011, 6:17pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,677

See profile

I think this is okay only in unusual situations - such as the person moved out of the area and is now back.

Otherwise, it's "Hey, guess what? Somebody who dumped me once for someone better and flunked out of that relationship but is scared to be alone so wants to string me along for awhile and then dump me again."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
 
  Reply With Quote
mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #4  February 1,2011, 6:20pm
mitchell175's Avatar

mixing metaphors in a mellifluous melange of malapropisms

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2010

Boston, MA... or thereabouts

Posts: 6,392

See profile

jussmile wrote :
1) you figured out that 80% was good enough... is this settling?
2) the person you just broke up with was so much worse than the person you initially broke up with... that you figure you overlooked a good catch.
3) you broke up with the person for reasons that you now realize were not important... or you think those things have changed (or they've told you those things have changed).
4) you're on the rebound and looking for love?
The reasons you have cited above do sound a bit like a rebound.

jussmile wrote :
Also, does your time together count for the full time when you initially started dating? Or, do you start the clock over?
I believe that "going backward" can work if enough time has passed that you're not still fresh with everything that went wrong with the past relationship, and if both people have worked out whatever issues led to the breakup in the first place. People we have dated before are very comfortable, because they already know us, and accept us anyway. For that reason, it's tempting. But that shouldn't be the biggest reason, just because we are afraid to try with someone new.

I think you have to start the clock over, because otherwise you get hung up in what happened before. You have too much ammunition to throw at the other person ("That's the same thing you said last year!"). I don't think you can really just "pick up right where you left off", because you've been apart for some period of time, going through your separate lives, and the other person hasn't been aware of what's been going on in that time. In that way, it's not fair to assume they should know what's been going on.

Sometimes you just need a "break" to decide what you really want. But, if the only reason that you're thinking of trying again is that you feel like he's "The One That Got Away", then that is probably more like a rebound.
Last edited by mitchell175; February 1,2011 at 6:21pm. Reason: edit quote
 
  Reply With Quote
SearchingHoping is offline SearchingHoping Post #5  February 1,2011, 6:40pm
SearchingHopi…'s Avatar

is procratisnating when the green light is on...

Pacesetter

Joined: Dec 2010

Posts: 463

See profile

jussmile wrote :
Yes... I'm personally looking to "go backwards."
Each situation and person is different... but if you call it "going backwards" it is telling me that at least at a subconscious level, you already know it is not good.

Personally, I did it twice (once in my 20s and once in my 40s -- two separate relationships), and evidently, it did not work either time. Trust is quite difficult to rebuild after a serious break up.
Last edited by SearchingHoping; February 1,2011 at 6:42pm. Reason: clarification
 
  Reply With Quote
jussmile is offline jussmile Post #6  February 1,2011, 6:43pm
jussmile's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

Seattle

Posts: 3,837

See profile

LizziePooh wrote :
(So, just curious Jussmile about the other guy that you were recently dating - did you end it with him or did he finally? Just curious...I was wondering what happened.)
I broke it off with him (thought I had sent out the memo )!! he basically "stood me up" and in my opinion, used his kids as an excuse to be incosiderate. I don't normally break up with people, but this was a final straw with me. We were trying to work things out, but at some point, I even have to say enough is enough. Dating someone shouldn't feel like a job.

As for whether or not going backwards is a rebound... does it matter? Can a rebound turn into something permanent? just curious... don't think I'm personally on the rebound.
 
  Reply With Quote
beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #7  February 1,2011, 6:49pm
beccaf87's Avatar

Board Leader - Travel

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 1,134

See profile

I have gone backwards and it has never worked. Lots of things I thought were good ideas were in fact bad ideas.
 
  Reply With Quote
LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #8  February 1,2011, 6:55pm
LongLocks's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2011

Pittsburgh, PA

Posts: 671

See profile

I'm dating someone I already dated right now. Not sure if it will work out, but I guess time will tell.
 
  Reply With Quote
JackAfrica is offline JackAfrica Post #9  February 2,2011, 4:32am

Enthusiast

Joined: Oct 2010

Australia

Posts: 566

See profile

After you have dragged your trash out to the curb just leave it there. Don't go rooting though it. You get all messy, the neighbors see you, and you never find what you are looking for.
 
  Reply With Quote
Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #10  February 2,2011, 4:38am
Tipitina's Avatar

repents for her good behavior.

Veteran

Joined: Dec 2007

New Jersey

Posts: 1,318

See profile

My standard philosophy is "once and done." The only way I'd change that is if significant time had gone by and we'd both done work to grow beyond the issues that had caused the breakup.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Are you with the right person? | Dating | Marijuana Use: Dating Deal Breaker? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
What to Look For Before Elivating Dating to Relationship DennisWisconsin Dating 25 March 11,2012 3:19pm
Top Ten dating locations online nightling Dating 20 May 31,2010 12:17am
If I knew then... what I know now... Dating would be different! jussmile Dating 13 April 27,2010 7:59am
Dating people that you have no emotional or physical attraction to questioning Dating 41 November 10,2009 11:29am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:39am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0