The wave of single mothers


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Trejan is offline Trejan Post #1  January 31,2011, 3:45pm
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Figured I'd show my head again on the forum, I tend to peer in and out every now and again but I wanted to broach the subject of single mothers.

So, no exaggeration here but the past week I have 11 new matches who are single mothers, some are working but alot have their occupation as either stay at home mom or 'mommy'. So I naturally figured that they are products of failed marriages... and I was dead wrong. The oldest of the single mothers is 22, in fact she happens to be the only one over 20. So I am like woah there are 10 of them under the age of 20 and ya I was stunned. Dont get me wrong I am not being judgmental but it dawned on me that there seems to be a great deal of young mothers who are single using EH. Alot of the children only seem to be 3 months to 6 months of age and I find it odd for a couple of reasons. Did the guy just bolt? Did she leave him, or not want him apart of the baby's life? Was it just a one night stand scenario? And really the questions could keep coming and lets be realistic when a man decides that courting a woman (or young woman really) who has a child, what is the limit for a guy to ask? is there really a limit? I have no qualms over a woman who had or did not have a child out of wedlock and is otherwise now single, but certainly I would like to know alot of the situation surrounding the circumstances that brought her to where she is at now. However like I said I dont want it to seem like the inquisition or the make it or break it prodding that gives her the idea that the chances of a relationship relies on how she answers questions surrounding her child but at the same token I think a smart man would like to know as much as he could.

So I figured I would start a topic of conversation, obviously I used women as the single parent, but obviously there are male single parents as well but I am a male and obviously my matches are the female single mothers.


Couple of things I thought about just before posting is the job aspect of having a kid and being single. How much does that play in to your decision to either date or continue to date a stay at home mom? I honestly dont know if it plays too much in my mind, if I met an amazing woman who has a kid I dont think i'd let that detail make it or break it. Also, what responsibilites do you think a person has towards the child of your new partner, if any really but obviously the thoughts there are "its not your kid" but you being to date and progress through a relationship, what do you think is correct in towards dealing with a child that is not yours?
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #2  January 31,2011, 4:04pm
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Eleven single mothers 22 years and younger?? Wow! That is a big wave.

I know this may sound harsh, and that I'm being judgmental, but if these women are on eH within 12 months of having a baby, I would question their priorities. Instead, I'd hope they'd be working on their college and/or their career, in order to provide a stable environment for their child.

So I think you should ask away, before meeting any of them. If I was a guy looking for a partner who is responsible, I'd look very closely at the circumstances (at least how they're presented) to find a glimmer of this. A young single-mom who has career ambitions will probably not be on eH. Sadly, my guess would be that all of these women need some financial help ASAP.

Should you meet and get involved with one of these women to the point of living together or marriage (in a few years), a reasonable expectation would be for you step up to the plate and treat her children as your own.

Good luck!
 
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richey is offline richey Post #3  January 31,2011, 4:04pm
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I think it all goes back to one thing you said, "what was the situation surrounding the circumstances that brought them to where they are at now."

As far as the age thing ~ I think it's just the continuing trend from generation to generation that kids grow up faster and become more advanced at an earlier age then older generations. One of the rersults of that is sexuality. It is much more open and accepted now (well, atleast the idea of sexual relations anyway) and so much more information is out there, accessible, and it's more mainstream. Therefore, kids having sex get younger and younger.

As to them being on eH ~ actually that is.... troubling to me. Kids under 20 looking for lifemates and paying for matchin services? But if i put myself in their shoes it makes more sense. They already made the decision to have a kid, be a single parent... they are probably mature enough (or perhaps desperate enough) to look for a lifemate already to help.

Now as for your "how do you date, would you date a single parent?"

AT my age yse i would of course (i'm over 40). If I were in my 20's, I don't know. It would have to do a lot more if I'm ready to "settle down" that way yet or not. So I can't speak to that ~ wasn't somethign I ran into a lot when I was 20.

As for "responsibilities" towards a new date and her child. I will say that in my 30's and 40's I've dated a few single mothers. My approach was always that I left it up to the parent ~ after all it is their kid being affected and they are the "single parent" raising that child. So I always felt it was 100% their say what I was, or what I'd be, to their child. Then it was my decision if that's what I wanted as well or could do to be with them. But I always was careful not to over-step my bounds and start becoming more, or take it upon myself to do more, than they wanted.

It's their child. Not mine.

Richey
 
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richey is offline richey Post #4  January 31,2011, 4:12pm
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Okay I read that and it sounds so clinical and cold lol. I should mentione that how I decide to FEEL about the children or how I am with them is different than what I decide to try and be with them. (okay.. i nkow that didn't make sense right?)

In my past I've ended up being pretty close to the children of my dates (except for 1 notable exception). REgardless of what the mother wanted me to be for her kids, I'd still talk to them, include them, ask about them, and generally like and get closer to them.

But as far as being a "parent figure" or "father figure" to them ~ that's what I'd let the mother decide. (aka do I participate in discplinary actions? do i try to impose my beliefs or teachings on the child? do i try to guide the child? have talks with the child?)

Those things I'd never just jump in and do unless the mother wanted me to be that type of figure for them and in which areas. Now, if the kid and I just naturally are able to talk like that, or the child comes to me ans asks me questions ~ i never had a problem responding.

Richey
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  January 31,2011, 4:47pm
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It was just on the news a few days ago that 40% of all births in the last year were to single mothers...

It's a sign of the times..it's up to you to decide if you are ok with this...and whether you would date someone with a child..that is going to be different for everyone..
 
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Trejan is offline Trejan Post #6  January 31,2011, 5:33pm
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I agree with you Ingy, I was merely curious to see if this was a trend happening and get some insight on perhaps how dating a single (young) mother should/could be handled. As far as the child goes, if I were in a position to marry a single mother I would most likely adopt the child as my own even in my youth, as im not much older than these females. More I think about it, obviously they are looking for someone to help out, not just with the child of course.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #7  January 31,2011, 5:41pm
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Trejan wrote :
I agree with you Ingy, I was merely curious to see if this was a trend happening and get some insight on perhaps how dating a single (young) mother should/could be handled. As far as the child goes, if I were in a position to marry a single mother I would most likely adopt the child as my own even in my youth, as im not much older than these females. More I think about it, obviously they are looking for someone to help out, not just with the child of course.
I know that when I heard that number...it's quite staggering to me...while I think there are a lot of mature adults that are making good, healthy choices and are financially able to have and raise a child on their own...I do think it's sad when teenagers or young adults do this to have someone to love...or 'get' the father to love them
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #8  January 31,2011, 5:47pm

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I think it's probably best to be a bit shocked by this than to just accept it as the way things are now. It's very sad, and it's by no means just the women making mistakes here...it seems like a total breakdown, what are kids learning these days about relationships, sex and love and being a parent? It's obviously not good.

All that said, maybe you are in an area where this is more common. I'm sure there will be plenty of women your age never married, never had any kids. It's okay to prefer that, especially at your age.

As for how to handle it. Well, I think it's okay to ask about her situation early on. She should be well aware that having a 6 month old and being 20 is going to bring about questions on an online dating site. I'm sure these women know they will have unique challenges and I'd be suprised if any of them held back about 'what happened'

Don't be afraid to move on if someone doesn't suit you, it's fair to question the decision making skills of these women and question your willingness to get invovled.

There might be someone great in this situaiton (certainly there is a few) so I wouldn't jump to conclusions...unless it is fairly obvious and it should be either in the profile or within a few dates.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #9  January 31,2011, 5:50pm
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Its not staggering to me...the reason....these women just had newborns and are rather young and the babies father likely ditched them if they even know. So single mothers are going to be more common on eharmony at a young age because they dont have the freedom to date like other 20 somethings out there because of child responsibility so they cant go out to bars and other nighttime activities but they still would like to find a guy to date and have a love life.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  January 31,2011, 5:59pm
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This is quite an interesting situation. I would like to know something about the OP in order to better understand this situation.

My favorite show at present is The First 48. There are a lot of young unmarried mothers on this show. There are a lot of young widowed mothers on this show. Not necessarily under 20 but certainly under 30 and frequently 25ish. If any of you are familiar with the show you will understand what I am saying here.
 
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