Do the "rules" for intimacy change once you've been married and divorced?

All right, I've been holding this back a bit, but this question keeps coming up, so I'll throw in my two cents.


I've had sex on a first date. More than once. I didn't press for it - we just had killer chemistry and kissing turned into... well, no need to go into details. I've also turned down early opportunities,because I just wasn't that interested in the woman involved. I should note that I've never had a 'one night stand' - anyone I've slept with has been someone I've been seriously interested in dating long-term, right from the start.


I've also 'waited'. I've dated someone for quite some time before we finally had sex. In one particular case, we dated for a while without 'doing it', split up, and then later got back together, and this time... Well, whatever.


You know what I've found? No difference at all. The relationships didn't fare better or worse depending upon when we 'slept together'. In fact, upon reflection, the ones where we slept together relatively early tended to last the longest.


The 'third date rule' is a real thing. A lot of people I know follow this, however loosely. By the same token, you'll see a lot of people advocate for waiting - some longer than others. The key rule for everyone though, is this: Do it when you're ready to do it. Not a moment before. If your date has a different 'schedule' than you, talk about it. If they're not willing to do that, what does that say about their actual suitability for you?


I will probably be waiting longer 'the next time' - more out of potential health reasons than anything else. Then again, I'll probably be taking the entire process a bit more slowly, overall.

I recently was divorced, am 49, and just getting back into the dating scene. Guy friends have confided to me that the women they are dating want to, or are willing to, have sex anywhere from the 2nd date to the 4th date. These are all divorced people in their 40's and 50's. Though I am fine with it for someone else, I am not comfortable with it myself. But is the norm, and is it widely expected?

Dear Catty,


Welcome to these eHarmony Advice boards and I hope your experience is pleasant. You'll find it's a microcosm of the world around you.


One thing you'll start to notice over and over in these threads is the number of women who have slept with men and are heartbroken when the man didn't call and dropped them likea hot potato. They write in pain and anguish and hurt and feel so used. It's a fairly common theme and I've answered it so many times.


For YOUR wellbeing, do NOT have sex with a man before marriage or outside of marriage. That's God's standard and He designed it with your, and our, very best interests in mind because He truly doesn't want us to be hurt.


Now your grandmothers and mother knew that having sex before marriage was not the way to get a man. When a woman has sex with a man before marriage, he doesn't have much incentive to marry her. Why should he marry her when he has everything sans marriage? It's the woman though who's not getting the commitment, the security, the stability that she's wanting. It's the woman that's the onewho's invariably left hurting so much.


Many men can simply see an attractive woman and want to have sex with her without knowing her as that's the way God wired that gender. Think of sailors in port and Spring Break from college where there's lots of alcohol involved and girls are getting drunk and having sex when they ordinarily would not be. Most women need that emotional bond first.


Keep this principle in mind."Men feign love to get sex; women have sex to get love." The mangets what he wants but the woman doesn't.


And, by the way, it is NOT the accepted norm nor is it widely expected. A man wouldmost certainly like you to believe that however.


Keep in mind, lust is solely about a person andhis or her own selfish desires. Love is truly about the other person and wants that person's best interest above his or her own.


Here's what love is:


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13: 4 - 8 of the Bible


Consider how this might go with a man. You're on the 3rd date and he pressures you for sex and you give in. You're at risk for STD's, you have no idea who he's slept with and who those people have slept with, and you may or may not be at risk for pregnancy.


You go out a time or two more and he dumps you. Onto the next man. You and he go out on a second date,he pressures you and you have sex. Same scenario. You have no idea who he's slept with, if he's even telling you the truth if he has an STD or not, etc. You datefour more times and he dumps you.


And on and on and on. Now, say,you're 53 years old, you've slept with however many men, you've picked up herpes along the way, you're still no closer to marriage than you were with with the first man you dated, and now you have an STD to worry about and tell someone about. Is this what you want for your life?


Most matches will NOT work out and it's important to realize that. Save for your husband the only thing you can give him that you've not given to every Tom, Dick, and Harry you've dated.


How much better to have your self-respect and self-love when you've been dumped, as almost every single person on these boards has been, then have the most awful hurt and pain and feeling of being used. This is all besides not having adhered to God's standard.


There are men, and I've known plenty personally, who also believe sex is only for after marriage and within marriage only.


When you have sex before marriage, the relationship tends to become more about the sex. Keep in mind though, marriage is around 97% really deep friendship and about 3% romance. When you're dating and sleeping with a person, it's more the opposite and centered around the sex. The thing is, a dating relationship based on sex never lasts.


You have the whole rest of your life to be married to a man who values commitment and "'til death do us part," like you do, and with him you can enjoy sex as frequently as you and he desire within the wonderful framework of marital committed love. How much better than being used and then dumped.


Read these boards for a while and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. The hurt and pain are terrible and it's usually on the part of a woman who slept with a man and then was dumped either immediately or down the road.


You write you're recently divorced, make sure you've completely grieved and emotionally healed before going out with anyone. The process in recovering simply cannot be rushed and if a person still has unfinished business in their life from a previous relationship, they should not be bringing it into someone else's life.


Again, welcome.


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