thoughts on online dating vs. the "old-fashioned" way?


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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #1  January 19,2011, 6:20am
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I'm curious about everyone's perspective on online dating vs. meeting someone the "old-fashioned" way through non-online means. I realize this group is perhaps biased since many of us have dated online, but also realize that it means that, as a group, we are more experienced at online dating than many others, and that gives us an educated look at online dating vs. non-online dating.

The reason this has come up is because I was chatting with an old friend of mine, an ex-boyfriend, to be honest, who is incredibly brilliant. One of the smartest people I've ever known. We were always just friends, who happened to date for a short while, but never in love. So it's made for an interesting friendship 14 years later as older, more mature adults. (he's 56, I'm 43.)

I mentioned to him that I found it ironic that I met my current boyfriend through mutual friends, despite my six months of online dating up until that point and the 18 men I'd gone out with from online sites.

My friend, who has his own match profile online, but with no luck in finding a solid relationship, replied that yes, meeting people through friends, the most common "old-fashioned" method of meeting remains a valid way to meet someone you're compatible with because you are likely to have cultural affinity with, which is very important despite the Cinderella stories that you hear about online dating.

What do you guys think of that? I want to dismiss it without considering it, but then I think of how I did meet the one person that I feel perfectly in tune with, and it was through friends, not online.

Do you think that cultural affinity plays that strong of a role in compatibility? Do you think that we can overcome the potential problems in online dating by more carefully screening our online matches? Or is this just something people say who didn't have good luck at finding love online?
 
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melman is offline melman Post #2  January 19,2011, 5:52pm
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scully98 wrote :
yes, meeting people through friends, the most common "old-fashioned" method of meeting remains a valid way to meet someone you're compatible with because you are likely to have cultural affinity with, which is very important despite the Cinderella stories that you hear about online dating.
There can't possibly be any debate about that. There is really no such thing as "online dating". All any of these services do, is broaden your circle of acquaintances.

But that comes at a price. When you meet a friend of a friend, or your doctor's receptionist's cousin's friend, you have at least a bit of a "reference". Someone thinks you might hit it off, at least a little bit. And you'll probably be on your best behavior, lest word get back to whoever set you up.

With eH there is no assurance of anything. Ol' Dr. eH's magic computer doesn't really know anything about either of you. (Except for your credit card number.) You can say anything you want, and you can pretend to be things that you aren't. With no repercussions at all.

Of course, the old-fashioned way is better.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #3  January 19,2011, 6:16pm
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scully98 wrote :


Do you think that cultural affinity plays that strong of a role in compatibility? Do you think that we can overcome the potential problems in online dating by more carefully screening our online matches? Or is this just something people say who didn't have good luck at finding love online?
"Cultural affinity" seems to be the catch phrase for small towns/cities...in my experiences and observations the folks in large urban areas like NYC rarely concern themselves with such niceties....http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/niceties

With that said, I have always admonished my friends to follow my lead... which is to not put all your eggs in one basket...and though we seem to have some "cultural affinity" to online dating (because online dating is a cultural phenomenon)...it should never, ever, replace IRL/offline dating.

I like to call it 'balanced dating'....a little of this and that...with a sprinkling of common sense.

Of course screening our matches better is a 'no-brainer'...but because we are all imperfect and tend to be slaves to things like physical attraction, chemistry, and 'just feelin' it/not feelin' it' we as humans are doomed to continue to make mistakes when dating/choosing best 'relationship material'...it is who we are, no matter how much we try to analyze, disseminate and evaluate. The fact that we are so imperfect is really the beauty of it all, because the mistakes allow us to grow and develop into better people....hopefully.

...alas...we are all ugly caterpillars trying to bloom into beautiful butterflies... in our quests to find peace and happiness...it is what it is...
Last edited by legend29; January 19,2011 at 6:29pm.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #4  January 19,2011, 6:22pm
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I think it's much easier to dismiss people online because they're "not people". They're just a profile, a picture, a few lines of text. Just like ordering from a catalog, if you don't see the right color or size or fit, you're going to flip the page.

In real life, you form more of a connection in person, you can see what they really look like, and get a feel for their personality. Certainly, meeting through friends is a better way to ensure "cultural affinity", because if you share the same friends, you've already got something in common.

I think back a couple of decades ago when there was no such thing as "internet dating" because there was no such thing as the "internet". How did people "broaden their circle" back then? Or, were there just more dateless people? It doesn't seem like it. I really don't think that internet dating is the magic cure-all for everyone to find a partner. I think it works better for some people than for others. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but I think luck plays a large role in successful relationships, online or otherwise.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  January 19,2011, 6:24pm
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I think much of the frustration with online is that so many profiles are of people you just would never even be exposed to at all in real life, or would never speak to.

So, although true that online appears to stink, it's a bit unfair to say it that way.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #6  January 19,2011, 6:26pm
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i think that online daters are so oversaturated that it creates problems.

meeting in real life is easier by far.

The face to face meeting is far more direct & has a greater chance of success.

I am wondering if speed dating might be a great alternative as it is face to face... and you can be pretty certain that the person is single. In bars or out in public you might easily make an advancement on someone that is not available and waste your time doing it.
 
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nick219 is offline nick219 Post #7  January 19,2011, 8:02pm
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Can someone define "cultural affinity" for me? I'm googling and finding references to the phrase, but no definition.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #8  January 20,2011, 8:06am
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legend29 wrote :
"Cultural affinity" seems to be the catch phrase for small towns/cities...in my experiences and observations the folks in large urban areas like NYC rarely concern themselves with such niceties....Niceties - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary
interesting! cuz the ex-boyfriend who used that phrase lives in Los Angeles and has been there for 25 years, after growing up in Miami. so not sure if he fits into that description.

and yes, I think you're right - a mix of this and that, meeting people in a variety of ways, is best.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #9  January 20,2011, 8:15am
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In the end, I think the "traditionalists" don't have any legs behind their arguments that "online is fake" or less legitimate than traditional meeting/dating.

For all the arguments they claim makes online a bad way to go "you don't know the person, the person can lie, the person can make up a personna for themselves" ~ i say to them, "yeah.. and since when has that never happened at a bar or a club?" All you have to do is watch American Justice or America's Most Wanted to see how often people who meet traditionally are tricked by liars and scam artists. Lying and scamming is just as possible in person as it is online (and in fact, I would say people are more educated and protect themselves better online than they do in person these days).

But ultimately I think the truth lies in the middle somewhere. Online should really be used with traditional (because some things can only be learned or figured out in person). Online should just be seen and used as another tool at our disposal to figure out if we're good with somebody else.

In the end, online is really traditional on SPEED.

Richey
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  January 20,2011, 9:53am
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I think there are pro's and cons to both ways of introductions.

Pro's for me of meeting someone in person are: it's usually much easier to guage whether there is chemistry right off the back. As others have said, if the person is met through friends there is a sense of having a reference. The cons for me are: unless you are constantly engaging in conversation with strangers the pool of people you can meet this way it somewhat limited, especially if you are someone like me who has moved around a bit and thus has a more scattered network. And many venues meant for meeting people of the opposite sex are more geared towards casual relationships/hookups than something long term.

Additionally, I can be cautious about dating friends of frends because I don't want there to be awkwardness for anyone if it doesn't work out.

Pros for me of meeting someone online are: Obviously you get access to a much wider range of people. Cons: I've found no good way to predict my level of attraction/chemistry with someone through a profile which means I feel like I have to go on a lot of dates to find someone I want to date seriously.

So the short answer for me is, both are necessarily. I very much want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with so I like to keep all avenues open. Yes I think in many ways my life would be simpler if I didn't use online dating as a venue to meet people, but easily the majority of my relationships have originated there so for me it's just something I'm used to.
 
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