confessions from a poofer


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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #1  January 16,2011, 7:46am
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Thought some of you guys might like to hear the reasons why a poofer poofs. I'm happily in a relationship with a great guy now, but there was a firefighter I dated back in late August, that I met on EH, who ended up disappearing after four or five dates, and after we'd slept together a couple of times. It was a particularly confusing poof situation because we had several mutual friends to the point that my best friend grew up down the street from him and his older bro was, and still is, best friends with her older brother! So, lots of close connections, making it confusing why he'd just disappear without a phone call or email or even a text message.

I spoke to him in early October and he said he never disappeared, was just busy, etc. But that still wasn't a real answer. Didn't look into it more cause it didn't matter at that point.

However, I ran into him this weekend at the grocery store and he actually took the time to tell me more about why he disappeared. Not sure why he felt like he should, but he did, so I listened. He said I totally have the wrong impression of him based on our two weeks of dating.

So, if anyone is curious as to why a poofer poofs, and an answer that seems fairly real, here goes.

He said he had been sincere in his initial interest, that he thought he wanted a girlfriend and really liked me and was very attracted to me. But he said he stopped calling/dating me for three reasons:

The first, because he was involved in a court battle with his ex-wife over child custody issues and that started to consume his time and attention.

The second reason was because I was so "open and honest" to quote him, about my online dating experiences, and it "made him nervous" to hear me talk so openly about having been on three or four dates already that month and that, in turn, made him very scared that I'd dump him and hurt him if he got involved with me.

And, the third reason, because one of the guys on his fire dept, who I had dated for three weeks when I was 16 years old and is a total jerk, "ragged him" about dating me and teased him mercilessly and just really got to him.

Now...the combination of those three reasons is why he said he stopped calling. He said he didn't think about never seeing me again, that he always had good, friendly thoughts about me, but that he didn't have the time or energy to invest in a relationship and the combination of his worry about me leaving him plus that other guy teasing him made it too much to handle when he was already stressed about the court issues with his ex.

Those reasons sound pretty valid to me because they tie in with what I already had suspected, at least about the being scared part. He was always asking me about the jobs of my ex's, and kept saying he wasn't "high rent" like them and would I be happy dating a "low-paid firefighter" like him. He must have asked me that at least four or five times in the short time we dated, and he also quizzed me on WHY each past relationship ended. My overall impression at that point was that he felt like he wasn't quite good enough for me, that he might see me as "out of his league" to quote him again, and that I would steer toward someone in a higher-paying job given the opportunity. (Which is ridiculous, not true at all about me, but was my feeling about how he acted based on his questions back then.)

And being open about online dating, well, he asked me a lot of questions and I answered them. Learned my lesson there, even without him telling me that, cause I realized guys don't really want/need to know about other men a woman has dated/married.

Anyway...that is his story and I find the part about giving into the pressure of the teenage bf ragging him absolutely ridiculous, but it is so stupid it's probably true, too. And I know that guy well enough, through mutual friends on that fire dept, to know that is exactly what he would do.

So...a poofer's story comes to light.

Oh, and of course, he wanted to still date me now, since his court stuff ended a few weeks ago, but I told him I have a fantastic boyfriend and he wished me well. And then he told me about the poofing reasons. So he didn't tell me that in hopes of having me date him again, just so that I'd know what really happened and, he hopes, think of him in a decent light.
Last edited by scully98; January 16,2011 at 7:51am.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #2  January 16,2011, 7:59am
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That is very interesting. Thanks, Scully.

I am particularly surprised by/interested in the realization that knowing about a person's dating life is a turn-off. If not a turn-off, then anxiety-producing. Do you think this is true generally, or only true of a person who is feeling insecure?
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #3  January 16,2011, 8:00am

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i think those reasons are stupid.

maybe not the reasons, but i don't think any one of them or all of them is a reason to poof.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #4  January 16,2011, 8:06am
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scully98 wrote :
However, I ran into him this weekend at the grocery store and he actually took the time to tell me more about why he disappeared. Not sure why he felt like he should, but he did, so I listened.
Just like when a cheater admits cheating. They do it to make themselves feel better.

wrote :
just so that I'd know what really happened and, he hopes, think of him in a decent light.
So does knowing the reasons really change your view of him, or would how he handled the situation still put him in a negative light?

Seems to me he attempted to make his problems- your problems too.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #5  January 16,2011, 8:08am

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if i was in that situation, those reasons would actually make me dislike him more.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #6  January 16,2011, 8:08am
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annother, I don't think it's generally true, because my boyfriend I have now is perfectly aware of my dating history. I didn't purposely tell him, since I had learned my lesson to some extent by realizing my incessant blabbing about other dates to other men was not wise, even if they did ask. but I met him through a bunch of my girlfriends, who went to law school with him, and so we were up all night chatting away about boys and life and childbirth/babies and all the things women talk about when alone. he sat there, like a fly on the wall, listening to everything we discussed and taking it all in. he learned waaaaaaay too much about me! and yet it didn't phase him. if anything, showed that we were a great match because he got a full dose of the real me and still wanted to date me and was fascinated by me! lol!

anyway...this particular ex, the firefighter, is insecure in some ways, and full of bluff and bravado in others. tries to act like he's the tough firefighter, but he's pretty insecure inside. every time he undressed, for instance, he'd apologize for his "gut" which was just fine, even tho he had about 15-20 lbs to lose. (shows he's insecure cause who apologizes once they're naked with a naked girl in their bedroom, right? if she's there, she already likes you! sheesh!)

and then his constant quizzing about the jobs of my ex's. he literally asked me the jobs of the last 6-7 men I've dated or been married too. they weren't fancy jobs in general, a couple of guys in IT, one CEO of a non-profit, one corporate lawyer, one CFO and one CPA, but it was enough to freak him out. again, insecurity at play.

and look where it got him - running from a situation with a girl he actually wanted to date initially. and that now, 4-1/2 months later, he'd like to date again but he can't cause he burned that bridge.

he texted me last night to tell me that he wishes me all the best with my new boyfriend, and that he thinks I'm an incredible person and a very nice girl and he will always consider me a friend and hopes I do the same.

I'm not even gonna respond. don't want to be disrespectful to my boyfriend.

trek - it actually makes me think of him in a better light. he seemed sincere and I give points for sincerity, even when it comes from someone who was a jerk at one point.

scarlet - nah, I don't like him less. makes me even more sure I'd never date him again, but doesn't make me like him less.
Last edited by scully98; January 16,2011 at 8:12am.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  January 16,2011, 8:15am
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Except for the peer pressure one, they seem like valid reasons to back off a relationship , not necessarily "poof". The ex drama could have been explained, but the "too much information" part is touchy.

It really goes to show that basic "just the facts" is best and no one really wants to hear "dirty laundry", because they already can picture themselves as the next one hung out to dry, even when they press for information. Fascinating post and insight.
scully98 wrote :
The second reason was because I was so "open and honest" to quote him, about my online dating experiences, and it "made him nervous" to hear me talk so openly about having been on three or four dates already that month and that, in turn, made him very scared that I'd dump him and hurt him if he got involved with me.

And being open about online dating, well, he asked me a lot of questions and I answered them. Learned my lesson there, even without him telling me that, cause I realized guys don't really want/need to know about other men a woman has dated/married.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  January 16,2011, 8:18am

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doesn't matter.

at some point, he had a choice to open his mouth and ask her/tell her what was going on, and he didn't.

he took the wussy way out, and i mean with a P. and agree 100% with trek- it was for his benefit.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #9  January 16,2011, 8:18am

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doesn't matter.

at some point, he had a choice to open his mouth and ask her/tell her what was going on, and he didn't.

he took the wussy way out, and i mean with a P. and agree 100% with trek- it was for his benefit.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  January 16,2011, 8:19am
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I agree with Scarlet13.

Reasons not to date, or continue trying with a specific person, I can understand; but to disappear with no notice (to "poof"), I can not accept.
 
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