What should I make of this situation? its really bothering me? please help!


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annejane2020 is offline annejane2020 Post #1  December 15,2010, 12:46pm
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so a few weeks ago I met this guy from the internet. we would talk all the time for about a month and realized we had a ton of stuff in common. we finally met one day and it went very very well. he immediately let me know that he thought I was great and is really happy we finally met and that we would be seeing each other again soon. so in the following week we hung out two more times and from what I remember both times it went well. we seemed to click and get along easily but of course didnt do anything or hook up yet, as it was only the third time we hung out. anyway, we kind of made unofficial plans for the following weekend and I was looking forward to it a lot and definitely thought that he would call me. so I waited all day and heard nothing from him. I didnt want to be a naggy desperate sounding type of girl so I never contacted him about it either. he was supposd to contact me from what I remember last time we talked. I was really upset though and couldnt stop thinking about why he didnt want to hang out with me that day and didnt even give me any reason or excuse. my friend said to just leave it alone, but like an idiot I called him the next day and asked if he wanted to hang out that night. he said he was working so he couldnt. so then I said alright, and I asked him if he wanted to hang out another time when hes free because I would like to get to know him better. he responded with "we will figure something out soon". that seemed like a good answer, so I was satisfied. except theres one problem....it's been a whole 9 days now and he hasn't contacted me yet. I just dont understand!!! its driving me crazy. I have not contacted him either because obviously I made an effort to hang out the last time, meaning its his turn now to suggest something? I just dont know what to think. the truth is that I really like this guy (not that i've told him anything like that yet because I dont want to sound weird!) but its true, I really felt like there was a connection when we hung out and would want nothing more than to just get another chance to hang out and get to know him better and see if this could go somewhere. but at the same time I'm trying to play it cool and act like I dont care all that much. he told me he has had bad expierences with girls that were too clingy and felll for him too fast before so I dont want to make a bad impression of myself. but I DO fall too fast! and I've also had my heart broken many times and am seeking to be in a decent relationship really badly. I want this to work more than anything right now. I need this. but I dont know what to do! does anyone have any advice? how much longer shuold I wait? could he just be the really shy type and I should try contacting him again? I need to know if this relationship(or more like friendship) is going to continue and if its not, I NEED to know why. I need to know if I did or said something to make him change his mind about me or what. the last relationship I was in, the guy did this same exact thing to me. just dissapeared and ignored me and forgot I existed and I never got a reason. it drove me absoultely mad, and almost push me off the edge. I cant let that happen again, I dont know if I can handle the agony of it. please help me! what should I do?
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  December 15,2010, 2:16pm
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annejane2020 wrote :
so a few weeks ago I met this guy from the internet. we would talk all the time for about a month and realized we had a ton of stuff in common. we finally met one day and it went very very well. he immediately let me know that he thought I was great and is really happy we finally met and that we would be seeing each other again soon. so in the following week we hung out two more times and from what I remember both times it went well. we seemed to click and get along easily but of course didnt do anything or hook up yet, as it was only the third time we hung out.


anyway, we kind of made unofficial plans for the following weekend and I was looking forward to it a lot and definitely thought that he would call me. so I waited all day and heard nothing from him. I didnt want to be a naggy desperate sounding type of girl so I never contacted him about it either. he was supposd to contact me from what I remember last time we talked. I was really upset though and couldnt stop thinking about why he didnt want to hang out with me that day and didnt even give me any reason or excuse. my friend said to just leave it alone, but like an idiot I called him the next day and asked if he wanted to hang out that night. he said he was working so he couldnt.

Issue #1...you didnt make set plans. Maybe he wasnt sure of his work schedule that weekend.

so then I said alright, and I asked him if he wanted to hang out another time when hes free because I would like to get to know him better. he responded with "we will figure something out soon". that seemed like a good answer,

This isnt a good answer...without a set date this is pushing the inevitable...that you arent his first choice for whatever reason.


Vague general answers like see you soon mean they arent really interested or certain they want to see you again.

Him not contacting you again is called poofing.

When dating online never assume you are the only one he is talking yo.


so I was satisfied. except theres one problem....it's been a whole 9 days now and he hasn't contacted me yet. I just dont understand!!! its driving me crazy. I have not contacted him either because obviously I made an effort to hang out the last time, meaning its his turn now to suggest something? I just dont know what to think. the truth is that I really like this guy (not that i've told him anything like that yet because I dont want to sound weird!) but its true, I really felt like there was a connection when we hung out and would want nothing more than to just get another chance to hang out and get to know him better and see if this could go somewhere.

Welcome to the club...this has happened to us all ....there is a reason he poffed...why who knows. He could have been looking for something from you and didnt see it or he thought you were a nice person but you just didnt do it for him,.

but at the same time I'm trying to play it cool and act like I dont care all that much. he told me he has had bad expierences with girls that were too clingy and felll for him too fast before so I dont want to make a bad impression of myself. but I DO fall too fast! and I've also had my heart broken many times and am seeking to be in a decent relationship really badly. I want this to work more than anything right now. I need this. but I dont know what to do! does anyone have any advice? how much longer shuold I wait? could he just be the really shy type and I should try contacting him again?


He is just not that much into you.

I need to know if this relationship(or more like friendship) is going to continue and if its not, I NEED to know why. I need to know if I did or said something to make him change his mind about me or what. the last relationship I was in, the guy did this same exact thing to me. just dissapeared and ignored me and forgot I existed and I never got a reason. it drove me absoultely mad, and almost push me off the edge. I cant let that happen again, I dont know if I can handle the agony of it. please help me! what should I do?

In terms of closure--that is up to him to even want to share.


Here is the problem.....he likely saw this side of you that actually scared him away because your behavior said clingy and stalkerish and like how you are felling right now.

What you should do is move on and drop it...this is over.
 
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liquid_steel is offline liquid_steel Post #3  December 15,2010, 4:46pm

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annejane2020 wrote :
I need to know if this relationship(or more like friendship) is going to continue and if its not, I NEED to know why. I need to know if I did or said something to make him change his mind about me or what. the last relationship I was in, the guy did this same exact thing to me. just dissapeared and ignored me and forgot I existed and I never got a reason. it drove me absoultely mad, and almost push me off the edge. I cant let that happen again, I dont know if I can handle the agony of it. please help me! what should I do?
You will not die of the agony of not knowing.

But, if you continue to torture yourself with such angst, with such need for his approval, you will make yourself miserable.

If someone dissapears and does not tell you why, then let them also poof from your attention.

A relationship is only a relationship when two people are relating, yes? He's not relating anymore. You are alone. Alone is so much a better place IF you can stand your own company. If you cannot stand your own company, it will show in how you handle time alone. People who relish their own company are not afraid to be alone (they actually look forward to the opportunity). People who enjoy their own company are also better company to others because others are free from the burden of having to manage your job of your own self esteem. Learn the skill of enjoying your own company and the fear of being alone will poof, not the people you wish to spend time with.

Besides, if you waste your energy hanging on to someone who's no longer there, then you will NOT be available to someone who IS available and who desires be with you.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #4  December 15,2010, 5:13pm
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It sounds like he decided he does not think you are a good fit for him. Maybe because he sensed clingy, maybe because you played too coy trying not to be clingy. Maybe 400 other things.

You could call him up and tell him that you really kind of thought something was there between the two of you, and that you thought he felt the same. Then ask him what changed.

Who knows what he will say, but there will be no more limbo.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  December 16,2010, 5:04am
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You don't want to "appear clingy" but read your words. "playing it cool" is not the answer because contacting him ( especially last minute) with nothing better than "hanging out" is just a clingy, messy bore. It sounds anxious, desperate and lonely.

Next time try this : Act interested!
Set up real dates, in advance . Do some homework think of creative fun things to do.
Stop faking "playing it cool"............ your disinterest in him, as well as planning fun dates is a huge turn off.

annejane2020 wrote :

we finally met one day

the following week we hung out two more times and from what

we kind of made unofficial plans for the following weekend

I called him the next day and asked if he wanted to hang out

I asked him if he wanted to hang out another time when hes free because

it's been a whole 9 days now and he hasn't contacted me yet.

I'm trying to play it cool and act like I dont care all that much.

I DO fall too fast!

I need to know if this relationship(or more like friendship) is going to continue and if its not,

I NEED to know why.

I need to know if I did or said something to make him change his mind about me or what.
Last edited by Wiseman2; December 16,2010 at 10:20am.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  December 16,2010, 5:17am
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You are being clingy extremely desperate and needy to the extreme. You don't need him, you don't need this, you don't actually have a relationship after having only met him once in your life. You are doing exactly what you say you don't want to do - falling hard and crazy for a complete stranger that you've met only once in your life and flipping out that he does not feel the same.

He is not responding to you or contacting you because he is not into you. There is nothing that you can do about that. It also does not mean that there is something wrong with you. Sometimes, the chemistry is one sided - it's there on your side, but not his.

Hang this rule on your fridge - he knows how to reach me, if he is not reaching me, it's because he is not interested. When this happens, I lose his number, I forget he exists and move on.
 
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VicBrett is offline VicBrett Post #7  December 16,2010, 10:03am
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annejane2020,

I'm going to have to agree with Wiseman2 on this one. If you make "sort-of" dates, I don't know why you have any expectations.

wrote :
anyway, we kind of made unofficial plans for the following weekend and I was looking forward to it a lot and definitely thought that he would call me.
You "kind of made unofficial plans" and yet you "definitely" thought he would call? You wouldn't accept this type of talk as definite in any other aspect of your life. If someone said to you "Ms. Anne, we kind of made unoffical plans to send you your tax refund this weekend", you'd be scratching your head. There is no reason dating is any different. A date is a specific date, time, and place agreed upon by both parties. Anything else is not a date.

wrote :
he was supposd to contact me from what I remember last time we talked.
If you have to say "from what I remember", you shouldn't have any reason to think that he is going to call or when.

wrote :
"we will figure something out soon". that seemed like a good answer, ...
Why? Not only "soon" is an undefined amount of time, "figure something out" isn't really a definite action.


All I can recommend is that you stop being vague about dating and personal conversations. Treat it like business. If something is important... always agree at the end of the conversation always agree upon a) when the next contact will occur, b) who will initiate the contact, and c) how the contact will be made. Repeat it to the person and ensure they agree on it. It can be as simple as "Ok... you'll call Tuesday night and we'll finalize the date". Finally, write it down. Leave a pad next to the phone if you need to.

This has a huge number of advantages ... expecially in dating. It ensures you both agree to something. It ensures you aren't waiting around indefinite periods of time. It makes you look organized, confident, and no nonsense. You appear serious about dating and you don't have time to waste on wishy-washy "unoffical plans". It eliminates a lot of honest mistakes or confusion. And it forces folks to make their intensions clear -- they can't keep avoiding you with "soon", avoiding making plans, or otherwise stringing things along without it being really obvious.

If folks don't wish to commit to specific dates/times for their next contact, then merely reverse it... "Well... I'll call you Tuesday night. Does that work for you?"
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  December 16,2010, 10:08am
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I suggest you back off, leave this guy alone and find something or someone else to occupy your time. You will drive yourself nuts if you keep going like this.

He either found someone else more interesting to him or just lost interest in you. The actual reason why he's ignoring you is moot, you just need to move on.

There ARE other guys out there. There IS someone you will meet and will fall for and they will fall for you.
Last edited by AndieIsMe; December 19,2010 at 4:22pm. Reason: Feeling really smart!
 
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MaryJane23 is offline MaryJane23 Post #9  December 19,2010, 12:12pm
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Dont waste your time! This guy is probably in a committed relationship but is playing her as well as others on the social networking scene which is why he cannot see you regularly. He is trying to fit you in whenever he can find a free moment.
There are quite a few of these losers (aka..players) that have nothing better to do than to complicate peoples lives. I know I was in a commited relationship with one of these such fools. And being alone is better than being with someone you cannot trust.
Mary-Jane
 
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CluelessinATX is offline CluelessinATX Post #10  December 19,2010, 8:31pm
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Move on. He is a poofer. Don't bother calling him and asking for a reason. There is a reason he is a poofer. He is not interested in dealing with that kind of stuff. He is selfish.

Find someone that is interested in you. This guy is not.
 
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