What have you learned about dating in 2010?


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  December 15,2010, 10:47am
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My one wish for you, is love. :)

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As every year grows to a close, I always get reflective about what I've learned that year.

What have YOU learned about dating this year?

I have learned that:
-being direct (but kind) is often the way to go.

-patience is a HUGE part of dating and/or being in a relationship.

-things work so much better when we remember that we're all on the same side and want the same thing - and act that way. Dating and relationships is NOT a matter of "engaging the enemy".


How about you? What has this year taught you in your dating life? I'd also love to hear about any particular nuggets of wisdom you have learned HERE in the Advice forums.

Best,
-Lori
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #2  December 15,2010, 11:01am
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Great topic, Lori!

Well, I started the year in a relationship... and am ending the year not being in one. I've learned a lot through the relationship, and I gained a lot from the wisdom shared on the boards, too.

- Listening is huge. Listen to what the other person is saying, not to what you wish they were saying.
- Having the right relationship is worth the wait.
- It's better to be on your own than in a dead-end relationship (proven to me yet again).
- You learn a lot about commitment when you're confronted with a crisis.
- Ultimately you need to be true to who you are and what you want/know you deserve in a relationship. Compromise is necessary in all successful relationships, but if that compromise requires you to sacrifice who you are, it's not worth the cost.
- Specific to the boards, I've gotten more comfortable with the concept of keeping matches open rather than closing them or pushing for more contact after we've spoken/met and they haven't made overtures for more. Maybe they're no longer interested, maybe they're just checking someone else out and might re-initiate contact with me at a later date. It costs me nothing to leave the possibility open.

There are more things, but they're not coming to mind right now.
Last edited by Tipitina; December 15,2010 at 1:13pm. Reason: missing word
 
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Singlencooking is offline Singlencooking Post #3  December 15,2010, 11:24am
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I have also learned several things though one thing stands out:

I have learned that it is important not to assume things because of actions. It is important to confirm the same verbally.

There was this girl I met. We clicked (at least I thought) so well instantly that we saw each other often for 3-4 weeks. Then I had to visit London for some personal work, I took her along with me (in total this must have costs me an extra $1500 or so). Everything was fine in London.

After the London trip, we spoke a couple of times over phone but one fine day she just told me 'its over'. She said there was nothing between us (not even in those few weeks).
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  December 15,2010, 11:32am
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Specific to online dating:
Two big things..
#1)Get "to the table"...you don't know how it's going to go until you meet...you don't know anything.

#2)Sometimes even when you meet, you can get the wrong impression..

For example:
Last week I had a first meeting for drinks with a match and offered up the idea of dinner, a little later if we both felt it was a good idea(read: we can stand each other)
So we met, had drinks in this nice restaurant, things seemed to be going well, so I said "Let's have dinner, ok?"
she said "Ok, but I'm not very hungry."
So we had dinner in the dining room, and later, moved back out to the bar area and had another coffee drink, stayed for while, and then said our goodbyes in the parking lot..

It went well enough, but I had the suspicion that this was going to be it..as she declined dinner, initially(she did end up eating something, but stated that she wasn't very hungry and didn't finish it)
To make a long story short, I've since spoken to her about that first meet, and we have a second date planned, as well.
I had joked a bit and told her and how I thought she was disinterested in me, because of her disinterest..in prolonging the meet( having dinner)

She said, "Oh no..I was just so nervous because I liked you..I didn't feel like eating very much!"...

Strange creatures..these women.
Last edited by TheThinker; December 15,2010 at 11:35am.
 
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Singlencooking is offline Singlencooking Post #5  December 15,2010, 11:45am
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I am happy for you thinker.

TheThinker wrote :
Specific to online dating:
Two big things..
#1)Get "to the table"...you don't know how it's going to go until you meet...you don't know anything.

#2)Sometimes even when you meet, you can get the wrong impression..

For example:
Last week I had a first meeting for drinks with a match and offered up the idea of dinner, a little later if we both felt it was a good idea(read: we can stand each other)
So we met, had drinks in this nice restaurant, things seemed to be going well, so I said "Let's have dinner, ok?"
she said "Ok, but I'm not very hungry."
So we had dinner in the dining room, and later, moved back out to the bar area and had another coffee drink, stayed for while, and then said our goodbyes in the parking lot..

It went well enough, but I had the suspicion that this was going to be it..as she declined dinner, initially(she did end up eating something, but stated that she wasn't very hungry and didn't finish it)
To make a long story short, I've since spoken to her about that first meet, and we have a second date planned, as well.
I had joked a bit and told her and how I thought she was disinterested in me, because of her disinterest..in prolonging the meet( having dinner)

She said, "Oh no..I was just so nervous because I liked you..I didn't feel like eating very much!"...

Strange creatures..these women.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #6  December 15,2010, 1:23pm
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TheThinker wrote :
Specific to online dating:
Two big things..
#1)Get "to the table"...you don't know how it's going to go until you meet...you don't know anything.

#2)Sometimes even when you meet, you can get the wrong impression..

For example:
Last week I had a first meeting for drinks with a match and offered up the idea of dinner, a little later if we both felt it was a good idea(read: we can stand each other)
So we met, had drinks in this nice restaurant, things seemed to be going well, so I said "Let's have dinner, ok?"
she said "Ok, but I'm not very hungry."
So we had dinner in the dining room, and later, moved back out to the bar area and had another coffee drink, stayed for while, and then said our goodbyes in the parking lot..

It went well enough, but I had the suspicion that this was going to be it..as she declined dinner, initially(she did end up eating something, but stated that she wasn't very hungry and didn't finish it)
To make a long story short, I've since spoken to her about that first meet, and we have a second date planned, as well.
I had joked a bit and told her and how I thought she was disinterested in me, because of her disinterest..in prolonging the meet( having dinner)

She said, "Oh no..I was just so nervous because I liked you..I didn't feel like eating very much!"...

Strange creatures..these women.
I hate to admit it, but that's classic me -- taking things literally (i.e. dinner request meaning "are you hungry" rather than "let's spend more time together.") Kinda like saying I need space when I literally need room, vs. wanting to get out of the relationship.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  December 15,2010, 1:37pm
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Tipitina wrote :
I hate to admit it, but that's classic me -- taking things literally (i.e. dinner request meaning "are you hungry" rather than "let's spend more time together.") Kinda like saying I need space when I literally need room, vs. wanting to get out of the relationship.
Oh yeah, I understand that. I'm a lot like that myself.
It's just that when I first asked her about the idea before we met, I told her this could be her option to continue it or not, so when she did, and then said "I'm not hungry"..it's like..."hmmm..eh, what?"*puzzled*

But then, the kiss out in the parking lot calmed us both.


Now...back to the Lori's thread...
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  December 15,2010, 1:43pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I learned that the kind of woman I want is really out there. And, that it was definitely better to wait for that kind of woman than to settle for just what seemed to be available.
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #9  December 15,2010, 2:25pm

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Great story, Thinker! I also learned not to make assumptions.

In February, I had a first date with someone I really liked a bunch who I thought was uninterested in me. We were first matched in eharmony last December. She told me that she was leaving town for a month for winter break and would get back in touch upon returning. She didn't. I waited almost 2 months before eventually closing the match, choosing the explanation "This match never responded to my request to communicate." (This was when users could select reasons for closing.)

Anyway, she contacted me in February at the personal email address I left for her in our exchanges apologizing because of a family emergency. (Her father had a heart attack.) We talked via phone and everything flowed smoothly. We had mutual friends, college in the same city, etc.

Our first date wasn't a train wreck, but it was incredibly awkward and short -- 40 minutes!! She ended the date by giving me a handshake, which I thought for certain was the kiss of death in dating. I didn't bother contacting her again, but since we work for the same institution (different units) we would pass each other on the street. Again, awkward.

A couple weeks ago I met her at a happy hour. Some of our mutual friends were there. We started talking and were having a great time. Long story made short... I asked her out again ...and we're now dating and seem to like each other so far. It's too early to say what will happen...but I can easily see this one having legs!

Moral of the story: Don't make assumptions! Also, be certain to ask for clarification if you're not sure of something.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #10  December 15,2010, 2:59pm
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is back in the game

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I re-learned the basic cliche of "be yourself"

It is so easy, so normal, so DUH, but I love to forget it from time to time.

How else can you find someone you really are going to be happy with long term?
 
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