He came after me hard...then bolted


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
BellaBlondie01 is offline BellaBlondie01 Post #1  December 11,2010, 3:59pm
BellaBlondie0…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2010

Posts: 4

See profile

I was matched. The guy contacted me. We both agreed that it seemed like a perfect match, in every regard. Identical profiles and identical desires. He said he had never met anyone like me, couldn't stop thinking about me, etc. He wanted to come and see me immediately (we live 2,000 miles apart). I declined, as it was Thankgiving and I wasn't ready to introduce him to my family yet. I said I would go to see him the next weekend. I could tell he was a bit put off but he agreed.

At one point, it started to get pretty intense, sexually. It was fun, all the talk. But he had emphasized that he didn't want a woman who sleeps around (this was a very big deal), and I didn't either. He said that he had closed out ALL the other women he was communicating with and wanted to focus on just me. He said, "We need to make sure we get to know each other as much as possible during the next two weeks, before you come here. I have a feeling you could be the one. And you're going to be hard to resist."

So I said, "We need to be careful. Fires that burn hot and fast tend to also burn OUT fast." He agreed but kept up the sex talk, with every communication. I engaged, but also tried to steer it elsewhere, as we had agreed. He kept asking for pictures, though. Nude ones. (I know, I know). I resisted, sent a few bikini shots. We were talking, but now less. Before, it had been several times a day.

Then, all of a sudden, he started backing down. I asked him if everything was okay, and he said that he had thought a lot about my comment, and that we needed to back down so the "fire wouldn't burn out." He was still interested, he said, and "definitely wanted to meet." But unfortunately he was really busy, and wasn't available to see me the whole month of December, he said. Then he went several days without calling me.

I sent an email saying that I had heard that, once this hormone called PEA gets triggered in a man, it's almost impossible for him to think of anything but sex. So I commended him on pulling back and seeing the bigger picture, so that we could get to know one another. I said that I was sure that's why he was so successful in business - that he was passionate but also very wise. I also said that I was looking forward to seeing him in January (when I already had plans to be out there...(but he had said, before, "No. That's too far away.")). That we could have lunch or dinner, see how things went then. He didn't reply.

I waited a week, then texted him that I still had him on my mind, and was having some holiday shots done and would send. No reply. Three days later he closed out the match.

I'm dumbfounded. Or am I just dumb? As I type this, it seems obvious that he wanted something very sexual, and very fast. And that he probably got it from one of his other matches. Do you agree?

(I'm mortified talking about this...I was married for 14 years and am so new to the online dating thing. I feel so naive, and so vulnerable.)
 
  Reply With Quote
scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #2  December 11,2010, 4:13pm

no stuntman surprises or houdini like disguises for death defying escape

Unregistered

Joined: Apr 2009

Where the clouds are like headlines on a new front page sky

Posts: 10,721

See profile

rookie mistake.

when you recieve a match, communicate briefly then meet. keep it casual. stay at a hotel (your own room) if it's long distance. stop all the emotional OMG your perfect for me nonsense, and definitely the sexual stuff.

until you meet, HE IS A STRANGER.

would you have the conversations you had with the person behind you on line at the DMV? tell them they are perfect for you? that's what you did.

i'm sorry this happened to you, but it will teach you an important lesson. it's easy to get caught up in the quasi-romance of anonymous internet communication- but until you meet in real life, it's not real.

 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  December 11,2010, 4:16pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

One likely possibility is the whole 'fires that burn fast' phenomenon that you observed. As you knew this kind of thing can happen it shouldn't be a real surprise that it did....though that won't be of much consolation. While he may have just been after a sexual relationship I'd tend to guess that he's just unstable.
 
  Reply With Quote
MileHighArtist is offline MileHighArtist Post #4  December 11,2010, 4:32pm
MileHighArtis…'s Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2008

Posts: 316

See profile

The fact that this dude told you you maybe 'the one' and you've not met yet in person should've raised a LOT of RED FLAGS! C'mon, seriously? All the sex talk, too. I honestly think you should set your sites on matches that are a lot closer to you geographically, too. For your own safety, going 2000 miles to meet some guy like this?, and your pocket book.
 
  Reply With Quote
scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #5  December 11,2010, 4:57pm

no stuntman surprises or houdini like disguises for death defying escape

Unregistered

Joined: Apr 2009

Where the clouds are like headlines on a new front page sky

Posts: 10,721

See profile

i'm always astounded when women ask or assume a man only wants sex and he's a match from 2000 miles away.

if he just wants sex, i'm almost positive he can probably get it slightly closer to home.
 
  Reply With Quote
annother is offline annother Post #6  December 11,2010, 5:01pm
annother's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Apr 2010

Alberta

Posts: 10,735

See profile

Welcome to the EHAdvice boards, Bellablondie.

You aren't the first person to be infatuated by someone's online and telephone seductions, and you won't be the last. Writing about it here is probably helpful in getting it all into perspective. Don't beat yourself up too much. You survived with your heart and your dignity intact. It could have been a lot worse!

You are certainly not dumb, but you may be more vulnerable than you realize. I wish I had known about these advice boards when I started online dating. It would have saved me some rookie mistakes.

I agree with your assessment of his motives. You dodged a bullet there, I think.
 
  Reply With Quote
BellaBlondie01 is offline BellaBlondie01 Post #7  December 11,2010, 5:26pm
BellaBlondie0…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2010

Posts: 4

See profile

Thanks for the advice, everyone. It's solid.

Scarlett, sometimes it isn't the act of sex per se that people want - or not merely. Yes, he could get that in town, if that's what he wanted. But some peopel are turned on by (and/or feel safer with) the texting, the photos, the sex talk etc. Especially if he's trying to stay out of bed, as he says he is, that could be one way he gets his thrills while still telling himself that he's not crossing any sort of sexual "line." And eH, of course, is easy access to women who will do that with him. Right there on the silver platter.

It's denial, of course. Then again, he's also a narcissist who doesn't care about how he treats women. So...a bullet dodged, as you all say.

As for travel & long distance relationships, that's a personal preference. I don't want to stay in this region longterm.
 
  Reply With Quote
scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  December 11,2010, 5:29pm

no stuntman surprises or houdini like disguises for death defying escape

Unregistered

Joined: Apr 2009

Where the clouds are like headlines on a new front page sky

Posts: 10,721

See profile

BellaBlondie01 wrote :
Thanks for the advice, everyone. It's solid.

Scarlett, sometimes it isn't the act of sex per se that people want - or not merely. Yes, he could get that in town, if that's what he wanted. But some peopel are turned on by (and/or feel safer with) the texting, the photos, the sex talk etc. Especially if he's trying to stay out of bed, as he says he is, that could be one way he gets his thrills while still telling himself that he's not crossing any sort of sexual "line." And eH, of course, is easy access to women who will do that with him. Right there on the silver platter.

It's denial, of course. Then again, he's also a narcissist who doesn't care about how he treats women. So...a bullet dodged, as you all say.

As for travel & long distance relationships, that's a personal preference. I don't want to stay in this region longterm.
so, if you know all of that, why did you allow the romantic and sex talk get out of hand?

it takes two to tango. don't dismiss your part in all this.
 
  Reply With Quote
BellaBlondie01 is offline BellaBlondie01 Post #9  December 11,2010, 5:57pm
BellaBlondie0…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2010

Posts: 4

See profile

I did let the talk go a little further than I was initially comfortable with, even if I enjoyed it. And that's a lesson learned, to be sure. I would not say that it got "out of hand," however.

Also, I don't think we ever contribute to other people's emotional problems. His issues are his issues, regardless of my response.
 
  Reply With Quote
BellaBlondie01 is offline BellaBlondie01 Post #10  December 11,2010, 6:03pm
BellaBlondie0…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2010

Posts: 4

See profile

Oh, also...I've had two weeks to analyze this. Hindsight is definitely 20-20, as they say!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« 5 Types of Men that Women Avoid | Dating | Is this panache, or a recipe for disaster? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
My life have been hard, but sometimes it feels that it never will get better Isa77a Christian Singles 11 September 3,2010 4:00am
Men don't seem to appreciate how hard it is to... eHA_Admin_Lori About You 54 February 6,2010 5:10am
Its just so hard! i need some help Brooner Relationships 5 June 3,2009 6:32am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:30am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0