eGrlCutey is offline eGrlCutey Post #1  November 28,2010, 9:11pm
eGrlCutey's Avatar

is happy.

Quick Study

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 132

See profile

I'm at a very close stage to finally meeting a match in person. Our communication went well, he has a profile I like etc. The problem is that he asked to meet for drinks and I always change my mind after they suggest this and end up ending communication. I feel like if he wanted to get to know me more can't he invest in a dinner? I'm worth at least a dinner, vs. a coffee? I don't drink coffee at night and it's more of a teenage or college scene to go to a Starbucks at night, and definitely not going to go for alcoholic drinks on a first date especially on a dinner-less stomach. What's up with "let's have drinks"? Shouldn't that be a deal breaker? I told him to get back to me after Thanksgiving week and in the meantime don't know what to tell him because I don't want to just close this match too. What do you think?
 
  Reply With Quote
my5cents is offline my5cents Post #2  November 28,2010, 9:29pm
my5cents's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2008

California

Posts: 655

See profile

If you'd like to do something else you can always make the suggestion. I would definitely not close him out just because he's offering to get together for drinks. With online dating you really don't know what you're in for until you meet in person. Coffee makes it quick, casual, and if things aren't going well then there isn't a lot of time invested. Think of the first date as just a "first meet". Trust me, if he likes you he'll invest in a dinner, etc. the next time. Plus drinks might lead to a dinner right afterwards if things are going well.

You can always have a non-caffeinated drink at Starbucks in the evening. Although you might not like the idea of having a date like this where it does not seem like a lot is invested, you may really be passing up some great guys. I've met some good guys and our first meet was over coffee.
 
  Reply With Quote
savman is offline savman Post #3  November 28,2010, 9:34pm
savman's Avatar

is back in the game

Virtuoso

Joined: Nov 2010

Blissville

Posts: 2,779

See profile

To me a first meet is just that, a meeting to see someone in person and get to know them better. I personally prefer dinner also, but it really should not matter all that much.

I have seen some women on here who think dinner is too much for a first meet and they would rather something quicker to check basic compatibility.

I say who cares really. If you are worried about drinking on an empty stomach then eat before you go.

If you really need it to be dinner for some reason then I would tell him that instead of just closing him out because his first meet choice was not up to your specifications.

But, really, I would have lower specifications. It seems like you are making way too much out of it to me.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  November 28,2010, 9:39pm
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,080

See profile

If you prefer to do dinner you could suggest that. But asking you for coffee or a drink is a pretty usual thing to do -- he's not doing anything strange. Perhaps a compromise: suggest drinks at a place where you can stay and order food if it's going well?

Don't close out someone you like so lightly!
 
  Reply With Quote
Babily is offline Babily Post #5  November 28,2010, 10:12pm
Babily's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Aug 2009

Sacramento

Posts: 45

See profile

You should totally suggest dinner!! I had a guy who suggested coffee, I went for it and he told me that he would never do dinner on a first date because he isnt sure if its worth it. That was a total turn off for me. So, if he really wants to get to know you, he will do dinner.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  November 28,2010, 10:20pm
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,495

See profile

I prefer to meet for drinks for a first date. Sharing a drink over an appetizer is an ideal first meet/date to me. It's relaxed and light. If it doesn't go well, then you can leave after one drink. If it does go well, you can extend the appetizer over to a meal if you are both so inclined.

This really is the norm for meeting. I don't understand the "dinner or nothing" mentality. I certainly wouldn't close out a guy if everything had been going well up to the point he asked to meet over drinks and you were expecting a meal!

If you don't care for his suggestion for the first meeting/date, then counter-offer with something you'd prefer. But when you do that, be prepared to pay for half (or all) of the bill.
 
  Reply With Quote
eGrlCutey is offline eGrlCutey Post #7  November 28,2010, 10:37pm
eGrlCutey's Avatar

is happy.

Quick Study

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 132

See profile

Ok, I'll give it a try! And just because I suggest a place are you saying that means I'm going to be responsible for half the bill?! I hope not. Let's see how things go.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  November 28,2010, 10:43pm
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,495

See profile

eGrlCutey wrote :
Ok, I'll give it a try! And just because I suggest a place are you saying that means I'm going to be responsible for half the bill?! I hope not. Let's see how things go.
You should ALWAYS be prepared to pay for at least half of the bill. The guy will usually pay, but there are multitudes of threads on here about "who pays." Some guys will never let you pay, others will consider it a plus if you offer to pay even if he doesn't let you, and others will consider you a full partner in the date and be glad to have you pay for half. If you suggest the place to meet, you should be prepared to pay for it.
Last edited by Wonderwoman402; November 29,2010 at 6:15pm. Reason: typo
 
  Reply With Quote
eGrlCutey is offline eGrlCutey Post #9  November 28,2010, 11:45pm
eGrlCutey's Avatar

is happy.

Quick Study

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 132

See profile

Wonderwoman402 wrote :
You should ALWAYS be prepared to pay for at least half of the bill. The guy will usually pay, but there are multitudes of thread on here about "who pays." Some guys will never let you pay, others will consider it a plus if you offer to pay even if he doesn't let you, and others will consider you a full partner in the date and be glad to have you pay for half. If you suggest the place to meet, you should be prepared to pay for it.
Um I don't think so! If a guy expects his date to pay for anything he should disclose this beforehand to save both of us any trouble and waste of time.
 
  Reply With Quote
javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #10  November 29,2010, 12:27am
javajava5's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2007

Posts: 3,320

See profile

Dear eGrlCutey,

If you've read very many threads here on eHarmony Advice (eHA), you will see that the first date is usually called a "meet" and most of the people here, it seems, prefer that it be some kind of a "let's meet for coffee / drinks" type get together so that if it's not going well, the two people aren't stuck with each other for hours.

You're looking at it in the wrong way as "Aren't you worth more?" That's not what it's about.

The reason you're meeting a person is to get to know him. That can be accomplished beginning with a meet at a coffee shop or whatever.

It doesn't have to include a meal and people's first dates have been as varied as meeting at the park, playing tennis, and all sorts of things including walking their dogs - as odd as that might sound.

Meeting for coffee is no slight to you and you should not take it as such. Coffee places have all kinds of things to drink including tea and just water if you want that.

Remember, it's about getting together the first time in some way and seeing how it goes. Drinks for some have turned into dinner later on when the date went well.

Don't close your matches when they suggest this. You're defeating your purpose for no good reason.

As far as your match knows, he may think this is what you'd prefer.

Accept graciously and see what comes of it. Really, what does it matter in the great scheme of life if you meet him over coffee or some beverage? You're making too much of it and interjecting yourself when there is no slight to you.

Write and let us know how it goes for you. Be willing to try something different. Make a counter-offer if it's that very important to you but I'd simply accept his kindly invitation and think nothing more of it. Don't get hung-up about the non-important.

If you like him, then you invite him to a place you want to go to next time. Also, read some of the "Who pays" threads. They'll show you a wide variety of perspectives.

JavaJava5
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« FWB versus relationship | Dating | 5 Types of Men that Women Avoid »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
a new first date tonight - question about location - coffee v. drink? readytodate Dating 37 November 29,2010 12:08am
First Date un-jitters. I want the nervousness back! SteveVance Ask a Dating Expert 24 September 30,2010 10:22pm
Third Date Surgtech Dating 13 July 28,2010 11:25am
First date, guy insists to paid for dinner, does this mean anything? nacy16 Dating 31 July 21,2010 9:53pm
Helping you men out there date and save your $$$$ TheProdigy Dating 41 May 28,2010 7:29pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:26am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0