Want a spark! But there is no spark??


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SomeGuy009 is offline SomeGuy009 Post #1  November 26,2010, 11:09am
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Ok, so I met this girl about a month ago, and we've gone out about 4 or 5 times. We seem to have a great time together, and just get lost talking to each other, laughing, etc. We always seem to end the night realizing that its 3 am and we've just been talking, and same thing happens when were on the phone. Bottom line is we obviously both enjoy spending time with each other.

Here's the issue, all that being said, the second time we went out I was dropping her off, and I really wanted to kiss her good night, and she just got incredibly nervous, and started telling me that she so. Which resulted in me getting insanely nervous, and I couldn't get her to hold eye contact, just became a real awkard moment, not something that should happen to someone in their mid 20's! Anyhow, so I did end up kissing her that night, and it just felt like nothing. I don't know how to explain it any other way, but just literally "no spark", and I went home dissapointed/confused.

We went out a few more times after that, and each kiss essentially felt the same way, just kind of lacking passion. Also, b/c of how nervous she seems I'm afraid to really try to "make that move", and just seems like we have no physical flirtation. We ended up talking about this a week or so ago, and we both feel the same way, just no spark. She wants to be friends, and so do I, but it's hard b/c she still wants to be friends that go grab dinner/movie, or dinner/wine at her/my place. All things that I would consider dating, I also don't want to just be friends, I agree that there's no spark, but I really want there to be a spark. I'm crazy about this girl, I just really like being around her, and cannot believe it doesn't feel right when I hold her close. I feel inadequate! It's crazy, I've dated other girls that I literally cannot stand, but have felt better about have a "spark" or whatever you want to call it. Yeahhh sorry for the long posts, someone please shine some light on this for me, I'm going crazy!!

Also, it has nothing to do with physical attraction, I'm obviously attracted to her. She has stated numerous times she's attracted to me, claims that the main reason she gets so nervous
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  November 26,2010, 11:17am
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It is a risk, but you might ask if she is willing to spend some time and see if things progress.

I would only consider this if I trusted she was going to be exclusive - and everything else was working for me.

Your only other option is to give up at this point.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  November 26,2010, 11:21am
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H'mmmm. I can think of 2 things that could be going on:

To get as nervous as you describe her getting at the prospect of kissing ... I wonder if she's afraid of sexuality or something like that. You could be responding to her fear with "no spark"?

Or, she is not afraid of sexuality and just is not attracted to you, and you're responding to her lack of attraction with "no spark".

It could be either, I think. What do you think is going on?
 
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SomeGuy009 is offline SomeGuy009 Post #4  November 26,2010, 11:43am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
H'mmmm. I can think of 2 things that could be going on:

To get as nervous as you describe her getting at the prospect of kissing ... I wonder if she's afraid of sexuality or something like that. You could be responding to her fear with "no spark"?

Or, she is not afraid of sexuality and just is not attracted to you, and you're responding to her lack of attraction with "no spark".

It could be either, I think. What do you think is going on?
Thanks for you advice, I don' know what's going on, I hadn't thought about your first idea, but that would really surprise me. I also don't think it has anything to do with attraction, I know she's physically attracted to me, as I am to her. As for other forms of attraction, well we just seem be able to waste a night away enjoying each others company, generally I'm not able to do this with someone I'm not attracted to, and I know she enjoys the company b/c she still wants to do the same things, only "as friends". Honestly, theonly issue is when sexual tension/phyiscal things arise....
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  November 26,2010, 11:51am
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she still wants to do the same things, only "as friends".

I hate to say it but I don't think she is feeling the same way as you...A woman usually doesn't say this if she is attracted or feels chemistry with a guy...

This basically means that she likes you...but doesn't see having a relationship with you..

It seems like you both have given it a good try with going out and even trying to kiss...but that's what it takes sometimes to see if it's a good fit or not..

And it's not very likely that if you continue to go out that it will magically switch over...so you will have to decide if you want to continue on as friends...

Because if you say "sure..I am ok with being friends..but really aren't...then I would just part ways..."

Just giving my honest opinion and from my experience when I have said this to a guy..I meant it...it wasn't code for "but I really want to date you" ...sorry...
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #6  November 26,2010, 11:51am
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That is strange!

If she is saying "as friends" then she can't be that attracted! How many dates are we up to right now?

If you are only a few dates, maybe she just needs more time to get to know you and become more comfortable. Don't rush her. Let her make the move.
 
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VolGal is offline VolGal Post #7  November 26,2010, 12:07pm
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If you never try to get to know her better, then you'll never know what "could have been".

It is entirely possible that she is so utterly nervous that she can't calm down enough to know WHAT she is feeling.

If you ask me, I'd give it a little more time.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  November 26,2010, 12:34pm
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SomeGuy009 wrote :

Also, it has nothing to do with physical attraction, I'm obviously attracted to her. She has stated numerous times she's attracted to me, claims that the main reason she gets so nervous
It may have something to do with you both are so guarded, you're cooling each other out of the ballpark...

I think at this point you've really got to sit down and see what each others intent is, and then you'll know a little better how far to take it.
And, at 5 dates, this does need to be talked about, I think.
 
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melodygal is offline melodygal Post #9  November 26,2010, 1:31pm
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I think "the spark" is highly over-rated. If you get along well, you will eventually get to that point. Take time, but also find out what her past has included. Maybe she was molested or raped in the past?? See if she is willing to give you any hints about past relationships....start talking about it by elaborating on how some relationships have taught you things and others have been annoying or downright depressing. Look at her closely during this discussion to see if you hit a nerve. She may trust you enough to start "spilling the beans" but if not, and you know there is something bothering her, suggest she talk things over with her pastor to get beyond some hard feelings. Sometimes we just have to give a little push to someone who needs to get over a large trauma. I bet you will then be able to have the wonderful relationship you crave.
 
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karajoyfull is offline karajoyfull Post #10  November 26,2010, 1:55pm
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Do you know how much experience she has dating? I think the fact that she got nervous before you kissed her could mean something.

It could be that she doesn't have a lot / any comparison and it just felt different than what she was expecting. And, if she's inexperienced, I could see how that could impact the "spark" for you as well.

Possible?
 
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