Pros/Cons on the person you are dating


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joeyjoe is offline joeyjoe Post #1  November 25,2010, 8:51am
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Anyone ever make a pros/cons list on the person you are dating? I'll be honest, the last three relationships I had really changed me. They all started out great, then the woman changed after a few months. I am always told by them, either they cannot be emotionally there, going through a really tough time right now, or it just got too serious too fast. I never pushed them to do anything, to introduce me to their family, sexual relations or anything. However, as I know, when dating in the mid 30's people have issues and baggage. My only baggage is that I use experience from previous relationships as directive on how to gauge the current relationship.

I do see common traits from the last three relationships.

Pros
===
She was nice to me
She made me feel wanted
I wanted to be with her
She was kind
She was loving
She cared for me
Several common interests


Cons
===
Her attitude changed after a few months
She started to become distant and bitter cold at times. Not just a bad day, a bad few weeks. Then she apologized then fine for a bit, and back to the same.
Really bad with finances. One even filed for bankruptcy. Nothing medical, all consumer debt.
Always had kid, which complicated things a lot. Never before have a had a problem with this. But now, once I hear that, I run. The last three all had one kid, and they all ended badly.
All had some sort of major medical problem. One I think was bi-polar, and she works with bi-polar people.
One or two divorces on their belt.

With that said, it is not like I am drawn to this type of woman. I've actually met them in different places. One was online. One was from a friend. One was from a social gathering. As we learned more about each other, these things came out. Initially, I always let it pass. However, after three or four months, they change. The last two even said, towards the end, they no longer want a serious relationship. They just want to keep it causal, fun and exciting (I.E. just sex). I'm not in my 20's anymore and I do not want that. Within a week or so of them talking to me about it, I made up my mind to leave each. Just to be clear, I dated both of them at separate times, not at the same time. I then find out that those two just jumped on to the next guy who would just be causal with them (sex only).

I am sorry, I do not get it. Do women just want to have sex now and no longer have and work on relationships? Is this what I have to look forward to in dating in my mid 30's and 40's? What the heck is going on here? I just do not understand.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #2  November 25,2010, 9:17am
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I would think kids could very well play a large part in it. Mixing a new person into an already established family is a tough and scary thing, for both men and women.

I would look inside myself some also if I had 3 relationships all end in pretty much the same way.
 
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joeyjoe is offline joeyjoe Post #3  November 25,2010, 9:38am
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Never had a problem with the kid or the ex. Always got along well with both. Each kid, one per mother, always liked me and I always invited them with us to where ever we went. What drove me away was the treatment, mood swings, and medical issues. Some of what they were telling me literally scared me. What if it developed into a long term relationship and something happened to her? I would have more weight on my shoulders. Taking care of her, possibly some of her kid, etc. You expect that in a marriage, but not a few month relationship. Yet, that is what always happened. After a while, the child and her or his entourage of friends always came with us. The only time we were alone was in the bedroom. Maybe it was my upbringing and cause I did not have many years of relationship experience, but I cannot just sleep with someone just for the sex. While it is an important part of the relationship, it is not the biggest. Even the last one, she said I cannot believe how strong our connection is. And I agreed. Then, three months later, cause of things in her life, the whole relationship deteriorated. She tells me all these negative things like I do not like where my life is at. I cannot be there for you emotionally, I am iffy about the future. Then I said, fine, let me give you some time to think and I will give you space. No, she did not want that nor did she want me to stay. What do you do in a situation like that? If she does not want you to go and does not want you to stay, what do you do? Two weeks later, I left. Two weeks after that, she was with another dude. I was in shock and awe. Happened to the one before that too. Because the one before ended in failure, I gave everything to make this work. Gave time to the kid, spent more time with her and her kid, tried everything. But, when I feel disrespected and told she just wants it causal and fun, I cannot do that. I am not a rag doll.

I honestly believe and would not be surprised to learn it will be a long long time if I get into another relationship with a woman. Once bitten, twice shy. I do not like feeling like a failure, and that is what I feel like. The last one really hurt me more than the other two, but I do not know why.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  November 25,2010, 9:45am
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For at least some of this it sounds like you need to do a better job of setting the boundaries for your deal breakers. It is not uncommon or unreasonable to have thresholds such as the person has to be responsible with their finances, and maybe no more than one divorce. In your case, you might want to focus on women with no children, or at least tune in especially clearly early on for signs that the relationship with her child is "too complicated" for you. Hardly anyone is 100% healthy in every way, but if you know some major medical issues would be more than you want to deal with, then that is a boundary for you.

It is good that you are trying to look at this objectively and see patterns in past failed relationships so you can avoid them in the future. The trick is now to put that knowledge into use.

As far as someone's attitude changing (that is extremely vague, by the way) and becoming distant and cold... those are likely signs that the initial "honeymoon" phase of your relationship has worn off and she is seeing you through less deeply-rose colored glasses, and maybe she doesn't like all she sees or sees that you aren't as good of a fit as she initially thought you were. This often happens after a few months of dating. She may be sensing your discontent over the "complicated" kid thing or having to deal with her medical issues and realizing YOU aren't a good fit for HER. The only advice I can give here is to do a better job up front of realizing what your deal breakers are and recognizing when your match has one of them. Minimizing the areas that will bring obvious disagreement or incompatibility should increase the chances that your relationship will last long-term.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #5  November 25,2010, 9:53am
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joeyjoe wrote :
..... Then I said, fine, let me give you some time to think and I will give you space. No, she did not want that nor did she want me to stay. What do you do in a situation like that? If she does not want you to go and does not want you to stay, what do you do? Two weeks later, I left.
Whenever there is a perceived need for "space" in a relationship, that is a big red waving flag as far as I'm concerned. This woman was being very passive-aggressive about breaking up with you. She didn't want to be the "bad guy" and have the break up be her fault, therefore she didn't want you to leave or to even tell you to leave when you asked but didn't particularly want you to stay either. When people do that I think it generally means there is no one thing about you that is so horrible that they would break up over it, but they are just not feeling it for you like they should. It really is "them, not you" in that case.

You did the right thing by leaving. What she did after that (hooking up with a new guy two weeks later) has NOTHING to do with you and should be off your radar by then.
 
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nophotos is offline nophotos Post #6  November 25,2010, 9:59am
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joeyjoe wrote :
They all started out great, then the woman changed after a few months.
. . .
What the heck is going on here? I just do not understand.
The women did not change after a few months - they revealed their true selves. It's about how long anyone can go. Psych 101.

I decided to enjoy the first few months (if it got that far) but not be crushed if things changed at that time. The most important things I learned was that there is nothing "wrong" with me. I may make choices that aren't always the best, but hopefully I learn from them. I like to think that's what brought me to the good place I was in when I met my guy.

Good luck and don't give up!
 
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joeyjoe is offline joeyjoe Post #7  November 25,2010, 10:05am
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
Whenever there is a perceived need for "space" in a relationship, that is a big red waving flag as far as I'm concerned. This woman was being very passive-aggressive about breaking up with you. She didn't want to be the "bad guy" and have the break up be her fault, therefore she didn't want you to leave or to even tell you to leave when you asked but didn't particularly want you to stay either. When people do that I think it generally means there is no one thing about you that is so horrible that they would break up over it, but they are just not feeling it for you like they should. It really is "them, not you" in that case.

You did the right thing by leaving. What she did after that (hooking up with a new guy two weeks later) has NOTHING to do with you and should be off your radar by then.
Here's the ironic thing. The next day she apologized after that emotional breakdown and said I really want to work on our relationship. You've been nothing but good to me and my life. But, you can leave if you want to. I would not hold it against you.

I said I wanted to stay and we tried, but again, it was back to her normal self and then I left. It was hard, as I did not want to leave, but I knew it just was not working anymore. The shacking up with this other guy, which she's still doing, just hurts. Here's the kicker, he's also having sexual relations with other women. He's known around our circle as a player. Yet, that is what she sticks with. I also ran into her at A & P, and she said I am so over you. She said I wish I never met or went out with you. All good things from her.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #8  November 25,2010, 10:15am
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What I meant about children was not how well you interacted with them or if the kid liked you. I mean it is very tough on the parent when things get serious. And some people will think they want a serious relationship and not really factor in thinking about their kids until they get to a point where they really have to think about that part. Then they can get scared, and withdraw, or have negative relationship thoughts, or really want to slow down.

This may not be the case for any of those women, but it happens and presents in a similar way.

Some single mothers want a friend and lover, but not a new addition to their family. And they may not ever really realize that in the beginning.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  November 25,2010, 10:16am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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nophotos wrote :
The women did not change after a few months - they revealed their true selves. It's about how long anyone can go. Psych 101.
That sounds right to me too.
 
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joeyjoe is offline joeyjoe Post #10  November 25,2010, 10:22am
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savman wrote :
What I meant about children was not how well you interacted with them or if the kid liked you. I mean it is very tough on the parent when things get serious. And some people will think they want a serious relationship and not really factor in thinking about their kids until they get to a point where they really have to think about that part. Then they can get scared, and withdraw, or have negative relationship thoughts, or really want to slow down.

This may not be the case for any of those women, but it happens and presents in a similar way.

Some single mothers want a friend and lover, but not a new addition to their family. And they may not ever really realize that in the beginning.
Maybe true, but if that was the case, why have another guy jump right into her bed every weekend while the young kid is sleeping in the next room?

See how it doesn't make sense in this case?
 
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