Is he reserved or just not that into me?


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trekker15 is offline trekker15 Post #1  November 23,2010, 11:40am
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I have been seeing a really great guy that I met here on EH for 3 months. Initially he would text me all the time how much he wants to see me, that I make him happy/smile, etc. I was swept off my feet. I thought this guy is so emotionally in-tune, something that was missing in my marriage. He told me he loved me very early on, and I truly love him too. Now that we are starting month 4 I am getting much less confirmation from him about his feelings. Yet when we are together we enjoy each other's company, the sex is very special, and he will touch my leg or arm often when we are in the company of others; yet he says he loves me rarely now and often in text? He still texts me daily to say good morning etc, but no longer does he comment on missing me or that I make him happy. Is it that he is getting comfortable, or could it be that his feelings are winding down?
 
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mdchica is offline mdchica Post #2  November 23,2010, 11:48am
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I don't think you can expect the same level of intensity to last throughout your entire time together. I don't think it's anything to worry about unless there are other changes you are noticing in his behavior towards you (doesn't sound like it). Maybe you should initiate an 'i love you' every now and again to see how he responds. He may feel like it's overkill, especially if he's always initiating and you don't reciprocate. Just my 2 cents...
 
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trekker15 is offline trekker15 Post #3  November 23,2010, 11:54am
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Thanks for your two cents Actually I do say I love you ever couple of days and he never says it back. He once told me that he feels like automatically reciprocating seems less authentic. It just seems weird to me to not hear it back when I say it. Do you think intensity dies down this quickly though? 3-4 months
 
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trekker15 is offline trekker15 Post #4  November 23,2010, 11:57am
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I should add we are in our 40's and neither of us have much dating experiance as adults...we both are coming out of 20 year marriages. He is widowed and I am divorced.
 
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mdchica is offline mdchica Post #5  November 23,2010, 11:57am
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trekker15 wrote :
Thanks for your two cents Actually I do say I love you ever couple of days and he never says it back. He once told me that he feels like automatically reciprocating seems less authentic. It just seems weird to me to not hear it back when I say it. Do you think intensity dies down this quickly though? 3-4 months
Now that is a little odd. Why won't he say it back? weird..

I mean idk, it could be that he's not that into you anymore, but I have no clue based on what you've posted. Are you 2 seeing other people?
 
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trekker15 is offline trekker15 Post #6  November 23,2010, 12:02pm
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no we are only seeing each other. He talks about future plans, a vacation and we spend the weekends together with all our children.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #7  November 23,2010, 12:10pm
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it's really hard to say whether he's losing interest or is just feeling really comfortable. I am leaning toward losing interest, because it's just weird that he doesn't respond in kind when you tell him you love him. that's just a natural response to someone you love. you know it makes them feel good to hear it, so you say it in return both for that reason, and cause you mean it.

if the time you're spending together is the same, and he acts the same, then maybe it's just a comfort thing. but to answer your question, yes, people can lose interest in just 3-4 months. I read someone that the odds of breaking up are greatest at 3 months and 7 months, because those are both times where you look at who you're dating and think about whether there is long-term potential.
 
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wandering_star is offline wandering_star Post #8  November 23,2010, 12:34pm
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i can only add that i feel the same way you say he's mentioned...that reciprocation or parroting the words back doesn't feel authentic.

if you feel loved, that's where my focus would be. if he goes out of his way to show vs. tell, it's just maybe his more natural way of expression.

if you find you require words of affirmation to feel loved (reference to Gary Chapman's "5 languages of love: getting the love you want"), then you need to explain to him that to feel loved, you need to hear it. hopefully he can accommodate.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #9  November 23,2010, 12:34pm
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I'm going with he's just getting comfortable. But the guy who has all the correct answers is him, you should have a talk and air your feelings, see how he's feeling at this time. Tell him if you need to hear I love You's vocalized more often and that it makes you uncomfortable when your's are not reciprocated.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #10  November 23,2010, 1:41pm
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Since you have met families and all....he may have transitioned from the courtship/exclusivity into the LTRland where guys especially feel they dont have to court you anymore and be themselves.

Remember guys are more nonverbal...there lova is said through their actions not their mouth.
 
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