A broken Picker... could it be?!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  November 23,2010, 8:08am
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I am very curious about something... was just reading a different thread when someone mentioned that a woman possibly feels she has a broken... picker.

I think there's a lot of truth to this. What do you do if you've lost faith in your picker, and really feel on guard. That, although a guy is telling you all of these sweet, great things, you're not sure if he's just trying to have sex with you, or just telling you what he thinks you want to hear for some other reason.

sometimes, I'm talking to a guy that I'm dating now, and he will say something so absolutely, ridiculously corny, that I think he's reading lines from some 80's molly ringwald movie. Part of me wants to just accept his words as they are, and say, in his mind, this is coming out sincere, genuine... then, part of me feels like he's up to something. For instance, we were watching a movie and the main character in the movie looked at the other female lead and just told her all of these great things including that she's beautiful... she was so surprised by this simple comment, that is really struck a nerve with her. I thought it was totally sweet, and gushed a little about the scene. Later that night... he looked me in my eyes, and just said... you're beautiful (kinda similarly to what the guy in the movie did). I had to stop myself from laughing, then I thought... maybe he's sincere.

How do you test your picker? 1 year and 100 dates later, I still don't think I'm doing it right. If I really think he's "up to something" I feel paranoid and like I'm not giving him a chance. But, then, I still kinda feel like... is he up to something? I think if we were more confident in our "Pickers" that we wouldn't second-guess a person's actions, right?

For those of you who have strong pickers, how do you do it? You just have you main criteria and focus on those things, and let the rest go, or do you just go with the flow, and if he turns out to be "up to something," oh well?
 
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StuckOnYou is offline StuckOnYou Post #2  November 23,2010, 8:28am
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jussmile wrote :
/...snip/ For those of you who have strong pickers, how do you do it? You just have you main criteria and focus on those things, and let the rest go, or do you just go with the flow, and if he turns out to be "up to something," oh well?
In my best Yoda voice: "The picker is strong with this one!"

Looking back over my relationships, I do not believe I have ever picked poorly, and I have always picked very quickly (within 1-2 dates). As you mentioned, I tend to see the things I like in a person and let the rest go. Provided their actions towards me in the here and now are what I want/expect in a partner, and they don't have any of my short list of Can't Stands, I just let myself go with the flow. I mean aren't LTRs themselves just a series of short-term dates/encounters that extend into the indefinite future, which in and of itself is unknowable?

I really can't explain why I've been able to pick the way I have, and no doubt good fortune has played a role in my success. In any case, I am thankful for it.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  November 23,2010, 8:29am
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I think that a large part for me is simply not looking to jump into an instant, just add water and voila, relationship. Getting to know someone takes time, developing a relationship and a friendship takes time, learning what is good and bad about a person takes time. So yes, it's a relaxed approach of watch and see what turns out. In addition to the above, I pay close attention to whether his words and actions actually match. If the actions don't match the words.....that's all I really need to know.......
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #4  November 23,2010, 8:48am
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I would have to say that my approach is slow and steady wins the race...

As DF mentioned...it takes time to get to know someone and see how the two of us interact..Just like in my thread the other day...having the relationship get to the 'real life' stage...seeing how they handle the stresses of life, jobs, kids, finances, sickness, etc..

That's why for me...not judging others...but taking time to be intimate usually weeds out the one's that are only looking for that...It certainly doesn't solve all the relationship issues that can come up...but I never have to worry about them only being with me for sex..

I have to say that even though I have had relationships and one marriage not work out..I think I have picked well as I have so many wonderful memories and they were all good men. I learned a lot about myself which helps me in the next relationship..

And yes...actions matching words...for the guy as well as watching myself and making sure I live up to this.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #5  November 23,2010, 8:50am
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It really goes back to what I have discovered five months ago. You have to let everything happen naturally. And I will add not to look for red flags. I think far too many times, people look to find red flags with people they are dating because they want everything to be absolutely perfect. Well, nobody's perfect. If red flags appear, it should be because they are obvious red flags that are going to cause serious issues. If it's nit-picky things that really aren't THAT important, then I would question if it is truly a broken picker or if the "picker" is being too picky. Hhhmmm....follow me so far?

As DF stated, relationships take time to develop. The more you are willing to allow them to blossom or to dissolve naturally, I honestly feel the more successful you will be with finding a good person to be in a relationship with. It's human nature to want to artificially create a perfect relationship, because we're living in the world of instant gratification.
 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #6  November 23,2010, 9:09am
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I absolutely agree with all posters. It's not so much that your picker is broken, but getting to know a person takes time. You take in what they say as being genuine, and then through time you see if their words match their actions. To me actions speak louder than words, and that takes time. Sometimes I'll know within a few dates, and sometimes it takes a few months. Like many have said though, it's a process and you always learn from it.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #7  November 23,2010, 12:12pm
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Given all the dates you have been on what in your self evaluation of your dates are the reason behind the failures..is it you?? him....the snowfall (I got 8 inches where I live btw)??
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #8  November 23,2010, 12:31pm
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I personally agrees with taking it slow and getting to know the person. But I noticed that a lot of people on the other thread in question (and on these boards in general) have expressed that if someone wants to take it slow it is because they have been "damaged" (their words not mine) from a past relationship. If they hadn't been "damaged" they wouldn't want to take it so slow.

Slow is seen as a bad thing. So how do you counter such an attitude?

For me, I just let it go. If that is the attitude that a guy has with me, that I am moving too slow for him, he can run to the door as fast as he wants to. He obviously wasn't the right one for me.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #9  November 23,2010, 12:42pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
Given all the dates you have been on what in your self evaluation of your dates are the reason behind the failures..is it you?? him....the snowfall (I got 8 inches where I live btw)??
I don't think going on dates that don't turn into relationships as "failures." Not all dates are meant to be "the one." The purpose of the date is to determine whether or not you want to pursue next steps.

I think we "pick" when it comes to who we want to explore multiple dates with. Do I consider those failures... well, over the last year I've now have had this situation with 5 guys, who I've chosen to explore multiple dates with. Of those 6 I've explored dating exclusively with 3 of them. Now, of the 100 guys that I've gone on dates with, did I pick the right 3? I have no idea... Definitely didn't pick right the first time, happy with the second pick although it didn't work out... and the 3rd one, I guess time will tell. Is it me? Maybe... I think about some of the other guys who I didn't choose to date multiple times, and although I try to never look back with regret, I see some that I've let go that might have been good long-term material.

I agree that there is a lot of baggage associated with "take it slow." I'm not necessarily looking to take it slow, but I don't need to move at the speed of lightning either. If a guy told me that he wanted to "take it slow" I would read that as a sign that he's just not that into me.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #10  November 23,2010, 1:02pm
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jussmile wrote :
I don't think going on dates that don't turn into relationships as "failures." Not all dates are meant to be "the one." The purpose of the date is to determine whether or not you want to pursue next steps.

I think we "pick" when it comes to who we want to explore multiple dates with. Do I consider those failures... well, over the last year I've now have had this situation with 5 guys, who I've chosen to explore multiple dates with. Of those 6 I've explored dating exclusively with 3 of them. Now, of the 100 guys that I've gone on dates with, did I pick the right 3? I have no idea... Definitely didn't pick right the first time, happy with the second pick although it didn't work out... and the 3rd one, I guess time will tell. Is it me? Maybe... I think about some of the other guys who I didn't choose to date multiple times, and although I try to never look back with regret, I see some that I've let go that might have been good long-term material.

I agree that there is a lot of baggage associated with "take it slow." I'm not necessarily looking to take it slow, but I don't need to move at the speed of lightning either. If a guy told me that he wanted to "take it slow" I would read that as a sign that he's just not that into me.
I look at dating just like fishing. You might catch a fish that you have no intentions of keeping, but you're still catching fish, so you're being successful.

I think sometimes we might "pick" certain individuals to date because they are not like the ones we would normally date. One figures, "why not? He/she seems like a cool person." Half the time you might figure out that while they were fun to hang out with, you two were obviously not a match for each other. I don't know if that is failing at dating but just figuring out what you're compatible with and what you're not compatible with.

I would find those who fail at dating are ones who just don't know how to get dates in the first place. They do all the wrong things and then when they do get dates, they do everything they should which causes friction. For example, I had a friend who just did NOT know how to treat women. He didn't know how to talk to them, he didn't know how to just be comfortable and be himself around them. So, his dating life wasn't very successful.

I think there is a difference between taking a chance and dating someone "different" from the norm you go out with and just not having the social skills to keep the woman/man interested.
 
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