Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #1  November 20,2010, 5:35pm
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My friend Carmen and I were talking about our dating experiences. I’m divorced and have reluctantly reentered the dating scene. Carmen has never been married but has been engaged a couple of times. We are both 33 years old and have been friends since middle school. Even though we live thousands of miles apart now we still keep in touch quite frequently.

We both humorously agreed that the relationship problems were the fault of the men we dated then she said how she wishes there were more men like my dad. I’m taken aback because when we were kids I thought she had a crush on my older brother. She promptly corrected me and explained how she used to purposely loosen the handle bars on her bike just so she could get my dad to fix it!

“I used to love his accent,” Carmen said, “and he always smelled so good!”

My dad was born in the States, but his parents are British.

“I just felt so safe around him,” Carmen explained. “The world could be ending and if your dad said everything was going to be okay I would believe him.”

“Yes, my dad has a presence and confidence about him,” I said.

“Your dad was confident, but it was more than that. He inspired confidence!” Carmen said.

After our phone conversation I found myself wondering if Carmen was right. Is that really what is missing? A person can have the confidence of a tiger in himself, but if he doesn’t inspire confidence in others what good is it?

Every date I have been on lately feels like a barter! It is almost as if I am on a TV show that is a cross between “The Dating Game” and “The Price is Right!” We both put our wares on the table and try to convince each other of the outrageous price tag! What happen to romance? What happened to someone making you feel safe exposing your heart? What happen to someone inspiring confidence within you?

I understand that the mechanics of a relationship are important: how much money you make, how intelligent you are, and whether or not you are sexually compatible, etc. However, if a relationship starts off with having to justify your “worthiness” it immediately puts both people on the defensive. How can you have confidence in anyone who makes you defend your value? Instead of hearing “I want to get to know you” the message that is coming across is “I’m all that AND the bag of chips so why do YOU deserve ME!” Yes, that message may be confident, but it doesn’t inspire confidence - - at least not for me.

I know this can’t just be a gender thing so I’m looking for feedback from both sexes. Is not putting forth any effort to inspire confidence in each other really what is missing these days?

Thanks.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  November 20,2010, 5:40pm
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This is a very good post. New idea, and well-stated.

I agree this is a common attitude. I just move on.
 
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socalgal55 is offline socalgal55 Post #3  November 20,2010, 5:50pm
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Kinda like bringing out the best in each other. That's what I'm looking for, someone who I can bring the best out of and they me. We inspire one another to be the best we can be.

Maybe the key is just to totally be yourself, not that you aren't, and don't fall into the trap of selling yourself. I know I've fallen into it a couple of times. If they start selling themselves you could just say that you would really just like to get to know them via them just being themselves without the sales job, or something less confrontational. Great post.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #4  November 20,2010, 5:52pm
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Diana_P wrote :
Instead of hearing “I want to get to know you” the message that is coming across is “I’m all that AND the bag of chips so why do YOU deserve ME!”
You're right that this is not a gender thing. I've heard this from women that have pretty much made it clear that I should be privileged just to be in their presence. It's an attitude that's very off-putting.
 
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wavestarved is offline wavestarved Post #5  November 20,2010, 8:55pm
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Wow. I think you just single-handedly knocked the legs out from under online dating, and perhaps post-post-modern dating in general.
If I had a conversation reflecting this kind of insight and depth on a first date, I'd be falling hard. Is it weird that I'm totally into you now Diane?

In short, yeah, you're right. Back to the drawing board...
 
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SnickerdoodleYum is offline SnickerdoodleYum Post #6  November 20,2010, 10:22pm
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You're so right.. somehow that's so depressing! haha!
I always look back to my grandfather and my grandparents marriage as a whole. They always acted as a team, for all 53 years, though I'm sure they never thought of it that way. They never seemed to compete against each other. She had roles to fulfill and he had his.
I think a lot of this stems from people expecting so much and wanting so much: they want a wife, and a mother, and a career woman, and this and that and you name it, it becomes like a competition to see who can DO more stuff at once in their life. Works the same way for what women want from men too.
It didn't used to be "cool" to be so independent and i often wonder how healthy it really is in a relationship.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  November 21,2010, 4:46am
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Thank you for posting. I really thought a lot of this was regional. I've been out with local guys who start off a conversation, "This is what you can expect from me, box seats etc. a couple of trips a year, dinners at XYZ." My response has always been instead of this being a contract negotiation why don't we at least see if we connect. These conversations all seem to focus on the material offerings of both parties. I have also been asked (first date mind you) how much I make on a book (I'm writer.) That to my mind is calculating my worth or worthiness. Highly inappropriate but you would be surprised how many ask.

I am beginning to think romance is dead or on a hiatus.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #8  November 21,2010, 6:52am
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Well it kind of seems that confidence is the end all be all for whether someone is datable or not in the long term. Funny since society seems to do everything in its power to destroy people's confidence (TV anyone ). So "fake it (confidence) into you make it" is a very common piece of advice given.

So, it seems that “I’m all that AND the bag of chips so why do YOU deserve ME!” is a faked confidence whereas "I want to get to know you" is the real thing. If you are confident in yourself you don't need to point out how great you are or how confident you are. It will come out naturally.
 
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Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #9  November 21,2010, 7:13am
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Thanks for the great responses, everyone. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one running into this.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  November 21,2010, 7:46am
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I agree that this is a very good post and question.

Two thoughts come to mind.

Generally speaking I don't see this "bartering" and "why do YOU deserve me" attitude in my matches / dates. Maybe I am getting matched to or dating a different kind of person or maybe I am just not perceptive enough to see this kind of attitude.

My general attitude toward everyone is that they have worth, that what they bring to the table is different than what my strengths are and that is a good thing and I try to be their cheerleader. From personal experience in the realm of dating, cheering someone on, stroking their ego and trying to build them up only leads to them ending the relationship (sooner than later).
 
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