Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #31  November 25,2010, 3:24pm
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VolGal wrote :
Great post! It has given me a lot to think about while baking the other 1,900 cookies this weekend. Thanks, Diana.
VolGal,

I was on a date not too long ago that brought all this to mind in a way I could put it in words, but this has been happening for sometime and I’m glad to see other people can relate.

Sometimes I find myself in relationships with the “perfect” person who is smart, good looking and has the perfect life, but when I step back it is clear that I really don’t even like this person. Weird, huh? I got so caught up in the trappings I couldn’t see that there wasn’t any substance. Later I find myself asking why I tried so hard to win someone over that I couldn’t really stand?

On other occasions I simply tried so hard to sell myself I couldn’t see that the other person wasn’t making nearly the same effort. The harder I sold the less they were interested. All I could see was that my stock price was falling even though the other person only had junk bonds.

I’m certain there are more lessons to come, but what I’ve learned from this is that you can’t force a person to see your worth and you should value those people who can and do.

I guess I need to work on the whole inspiring confidence thing myself since trust only works when it is a two way street.

Good luck with baking those cookies!
 
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VolGal is offline VolGal Post #32  November 25,2010, 7:58pm
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Diana_P wrote :
On other occasions I simply tried so hard to sell myself I couldn’t see that the other person wasn’t making nearly the same effort. The harder I sold the less they were interested. All I could see was that my stock price was falling even though the other person only had junk bonds.

I can't remember what movie it was that had this line as dialogue: "The power in a relationship lies with the one who cares less."

It seems as if you have seen this lesson in action. That doesn't mean that I intend on "caring less" when I am with someone, but that really seems to be the lesson you have learned with the "hard sell".

It is hard just being me and getting rejected, closed, and not responded to - over and over and over again. But that is a part of online dating, I have determined.

Good luck.

I start on the rest of the cookies tomorrow morning and will bake until they are done. My Christmas presents to the government officials I work with and who can't be given gifts worth more than $25 per office - so I hand-bake everything and personally wrap and deliver it! I love doing it and have done this since 1984.
 
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MysticalEric is offline MysticalEric Post #33  November 26,2010, 8:51am
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It is not necessarily the person across the table that impels us to defend our value, that is something we do to ourselves by the very nature of on-line dating: before we even meet the other person, we’ve already made certain representations about ourselves – many at a very personal level; AND, we are already subconsciously primed by the representations of the other. At this point, isn’t it natural to not only defend what we claim to be, but also ask the same of the other, whether directly or indirectly? And, isn’t this behavior further reinforced after meeting someone who looks good on paper, but in real life is so hopelessly lacking in self-awareness as to render their profile and representations useless or, worse, has deliberately misrepresented themself (and I accept that it could be me, myself, and I as the ones lacking self-awareness).

So, I’m not sure anything is missing so much as what we’ve trapped ourselves into being. A confident person may not inspire you to be more confident if their objective is to ensure you are what you claim to be; likewise, you may be so busy defending your value you fail to realize you don’t even like the person. We have turned ourselves into consumer products and commodities – all the analogies apply.

Are the outcomes any different in real life? I don’t know, but the process is certainly different. Is it any better when the starting point is a blank slate and the process is about discovery instead of defense and verification? Of one thing I’m sure, when I meet someone in real life and get even the slightest sense they are making me defend my value, I am out of there – and thinking/muttering a concoction of colorful verbs and personal pronouns.

[Diana_P and VolGal: thanks for sharing your thoughts and introspection – that in itself is inspiring. Speaking of inspiration, a topic for another thread on another day: while we may/should look to our partner for inspiration, can we pick and choose how we will be inspired? Will a confident person necessarily inspire confidence?]
 
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psgcooldog is offline psgcooldog Post #34  November 26,2010, 6:05pm
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Alli824 wrote :
Thank you for posting. I really thought a lot of this was regional. I've been out with local guys who start off a conversation, "This is what you can expect from me, box seats etc. a couple of trips a year, dinners at XYZ." My response has always been instead of this being a contract negotiation why don't we at least see if we connect. These conversations all seem to focus on the material offerings of both parties. I have also been asked (first date mind you) how much I make on a book (I'm writer.) That to my mind is calculating my worth or worthiness. Highly inappropriate but you would be surprised how many ask.

I am beginning to think romance is dead or on a hiatus.
Allie --- a little off track, but have you considered that it may just be honest curiosity? While I would almost certainly not be quite so gauche as to ask, I know that I'd be intensely curious about the economics of your trade, as I simply haven't a clue about it.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #35  November 27,2010, 9:05am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Diana_P wrote :

Sometimes I find myself in relationships with the “perfect” person who is smart, good looking and has the perfect life, but when I step back it is clear that I really don’t even like this person. Weird, huh? I got so caught up in the trappings I couldn’t see that there wasn’t any substance. Later I find myself asking why I tried so hard to win someone over that I couldn’t really stand?
I think it's pretty common for people to not really know what it is that attracts them to another. They think they know all the things that would make the 'perfect' person for them.... but then they don't find themselves attracted to people who actually have these traits, while finding themselves very attracted to others.
 
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