OCgal is offline OCgal Post #1  November 4,2010, 8:20am
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Hi!

I'm a young widow (cause was sudden cardiac arrest) with three children, including a 2 1/2 yr old.

Curious - for you other widow/ers out there - about your dating experiences:
  • do you feel better dating a fellow widow/er or a divorcee, or does it matter?
  • have you actually dated a fellow widow/er? (I have yet to meet a man who's widowed).
  • do you find yourself ever afraid to love for fear of facing death again?
  • have you found in the dating world that being a widow/er makes us "different" in the relationship / dating / marriage expectation set? Or have you seen not much of a difference between the divorcee crowd and the widow/er crowd?
And divorcee crowd: does it make any difference to you whether the person you meet has been divorced once, twice, or is a widow?

Totally just curious on these topics and wondering what stories are out there to share.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  November 4,2010, 8:38am
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OCgal wrote :
Hi!

I'm a young widow (cause was sudden cardiac arrest) with three children, including a 2 1/2 yr old.

Curious - for you other widow/ers out there - about your dating experiences:
  • do you feel better dating a fellow widow/er or a divorcee, or does it matter?
  • have you actually dated a fellow widow/er? (I have yet to meet a man who's widowed).
  • do you find yourself ever afraid to love for fear of facing death again?
  • have you found in the dating world that being a widow/er makes us "different" in the relationship / dating / marriage expectation set? Or have you seen not much of a difference between the divorcee crowd and the widow/er crowd?
And divorcee crowd: does it make any difference to you whether the person you meet has been divorced once, twice, or is a widow?

Totally just curious on these topics and wondering what stories are out there to share.

Would wishing your ex were dead, or s/he is dead to you now count???


Coming from someone who would potentially date you....

My first concern is are you even ready to date given the suddenness and unexpectedness of this? You really dont know if you are ready until you date.

If you talk to much about how things were between you and him it will scare men away because they dont want to feel like they are second fiddle where you would ask him in spirit for advice over the current guy you are dating.


Some are going to be turned off by you still having pictures of him up...some like myself are going to be more understand of the pictures because the pictures are your children's dad. I would also understand that there would always be a place in your heart for him.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  November 4,2010, 9:11am
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Hi OCgal and welcome to EHA.

I'm not a widow so not your target with your questions ... but I'll just say as long as a widower has sufficiently come to terms with his wife's death, I see him as the same as any other prospect.

There are a number of widow/widowers here ... you might want to check out this group here on EHA: Widow / Widowers Group -eHarmony Advice
 
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Bill1104 is offline Bill1104 Post #4  November 4,2010, 12:51pm
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It would be great if you would re-post this thread over at the Widow/Widowers Group (see above post.)

But as a widower, I'll answer it here:

1. do you feel better dating a fellow widow/er or a divorcee, or does it matter?

Answer: It doesn't matter


2. have you actually dated a fellow widow/er? (I have yet to meet a man who's widowed).

Answer: Yes, I have. Met socially many times, dated twice. Regarding meeting a man who's widowed, watch out. Be careful that you don't become a "one thing in common couple." It's easy to lean on each other and mistake support for love. You both can wake up one day and find out that the only thing you have in common is that you had a spouse who died.


3. do you find yourself ever afraid to love for fear of facing death again?

Answer: Absolutely not. I think that if this is bothering you, you really need to talk to someone about it.


4. A. have you found in the dating world that being a widow/er makes us "different" in the relationship / dating / marriage expectation set?

Answer: Only to the extent that other people "walk on eggshells" in discussions regarding the deceased. Once they realize that you can talk about it unemotionally, they loosen up. Also, if the death was at least five years in the past, it doesn't become a problem for them at all.

Most of the uniformed believe that you should be over the death of a spouse in a year - "365 & Suck-it-up!" Tough love, baby - get on with your life!!!! We've all heard it and we have to remember that they mean well, they just don't know any better. Mostly they just watch too many dramas on TV in how to deal with death. We know better. Grief is a "process" and everyone handles it differently.


4. B. Or have you seen not much of a difference between the divorcee crowd and the widow/er crowd?And divorcee crowd:

Answer: The big difference is the other party's ex-spouse. Divorced women mostly talk about the "rat." Widows mostly talk about the "Saint."

As one who has been both widowed and divorced, I find that it is best to only speak about the ex-spouse in nice terms but only when asked . I don't bring it it up myself.


4. C. does it make any difference to you whether the person you meet has been divorced once, twice, or is a widow?

Answer: Not a bit. However if the person you are going to go out with has been married and divorced many times, you would be prudent to not get too involved until you have had an opportunity to be around them for quite a while. One the other hand if the party you are going to date has been widowed many times, it would be extremely prudent of you to watch your back.


Hope you are recovering and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #5  November 4,2010, 1:48pm
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I'm a widow, my husband died almost three years ago, have been back in the dating world about 18 months. I've met a few widowed guys, we just didn't click. One was very recently widowed, and that had disaster written all over it, as even in our first meet he was comparing me to his late wife. The other we just didn't have any spark at all, but he was a very nice man.

I've date way more divorced guys, and, like widowers, they range from those still getting over their exes to those who are past the animosity and treat their exes as former friends, now acquaintances.

The weird thing about eHarmony is unless you point it out specifically in your profile, your matches will not know you are a widow. Some are fine with it, others, not at all. I do suggest you mention it somewhere in your profile, as getting dumped live because you are widowed kind of blows, whereas if they know up front they'll close you before you expend any energy.

What divorced folks often do on the first meet is make some insignificant comment about their ex which seems to be the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" sign. They are ready to launch into all the failings of their ex spouse. It took me awhile to catch that, and admittedly, I don't even know how to play that game. It is here that the guys tend to get a bit taken aback that you don't have a huge failure to reveal on that front. I have had no success in starting relationships with those divorced guys. They aren't ready yet.

There are many divorced guys that have no problem with occasionally hearing about your late spouse or having family pictures around for the kids. Those are probably a better match for a widow. I've actually found divorced guys tend to tiptoe around death, or in the case of my husband, cancer more than I do. I appreciate that they are taking so much effort to understand.

I've also met one guy with the pretty amazing line "I'm okay with the fact you did not chose to end your marriage." I was a bit less impressed with that kind of response, but apparently at least one widow was good with that take on things, as his recent ex was a widow.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  November 4,2010, 3:17pm
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I had a lot to say, but Bill1104 already said it! I have to agree with just about everything in his post.

The important thing about dating a person with a romantic past is not so much how it ended but how they are living with it. If they are still grieving the loss of a partner for any reason, then they are not yet ready to give their heart to anyone else.

I also recommend you check out the widows/widowers group message board here. You will see a lot of topics discussed by people from a wide range of backgrounds, age groups, and experiences.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #7  November 4,2010, 3:39pm
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While I admit to a predilection for dating widows, because they saw their marriage through to "death do us part") and did not shed it like some dirty shirt, I did meet one delightful woman - on this board in fact - who I had the privilege to date for awhile, who was a widow that was about to divorce her professional successful husband because alcoholism was driving the family to utter ruin; but he died before she could do it.


And, again, - informally speaking, I would say over 90% - of the (divorced) women that I have dated said specifically, that a main reason they got divorced was that their husbands were unfaithful.

I am no longer astonished to hear this almost all the time. Even my wife did it and it killed my own marriage too. It is not gender specific.

I think our whole society in this country is utterly and ireedemably rotten to the core, which was one reason I was loathe to bring children into it.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #8  November 4,2010, 5:35pm
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There are far too many of us here, sadly.

Thanks, Sass, for providing the link.

OCgal, you would be most welcome in our Group. You will discover any number of threads dealing with this very subject...as well as many others which I am sure would be of interest to you.

Unfortunately, some of them were even written by people just like you...young women with young children. You are not alone.

There are some out there who think we can never get over it...that we're always going to have some sort of "shrine"...

I know at least one person here on the eHA boards who will not let an opportunity pass by...to say he wouldn't touch a widow with a ten-foot pole.

Some things are best discussed in our group. While the posts here have been encouraging...I have seen Flame Wars erupt, and people in your position attacked...for expressing an interest (in the open boards) in finding another, and for admitting to having any doubts or questions.

So, I sincerely hope to see you in Widow / Widowers

j8a
 
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