is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
bumblebbee is offline bumblebbee Post #1  November 2,2010, 11:37am
bumblebbee's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Nov 2010

Posts: 9

See profile

I see a lot of people asking about when to ask about exclusivity. But is there a reason to ask if you're exclusive? Can't you just wait and see how things work out over time?

The reason I ask is because I have been dating someone for 12 days. We've been on four dates during that time and we slept together on the first date. It was the first time I'd ever done that, but it happened, and didn't seem to make him think badly of me, so we've continued to date. He is quite attentive, and asks me out on new dates far in advance, and is making plans for things for us to do down the road.

Our next date is set for this weekend.

One friend suggested I ask him if we're exclusive. But I don't feel like I need to ask that, given that we're spending most of our free time together, and if he wants to see just me, he will, whether I ask him if we're exclusive or not.

He has asked me a couple of times, seemingly jokingly, if I'm seeing this or that guy he knows I dated in my past. I always say no, I'm not interested in them. But I don't continue to conversation and bring up exclusivity as a topic.

Should I? Or should I just let things continue as they are, which I'm fine with. 12 days and four dates seems much to early to ask about exclusivity to me, but perhaps he is wondering. I don't know. I did mention to him about two guys I was dating a few months ago, and how I dated them at the same time, but it was okay because I wasn't sleeping with them and I wasn't exclusive with either guy. But perhaps that has made him wonder if I'm still dating others. (I'm not.)
 
  Reply With Quote
StuckOnYou is offline StuckOnYou Post #2  November 2,2010, 11:45am
StuckOnYou's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 803

See profile

Although it has been many, many years, I do not remember having the exclusive conversation even once in any of my LTRs. It was always clear to me once I was together with someone and we were exclusive.

As always though different people will have different experiences/expectations and YMMV.
 
  Reply With Quote
PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #3  November 2,2010, 11:46am

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 6,908

See profile

I personally think sometimes better to ask and confirm rather than assume.
 
  Reply With Quote
beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #4  November 2,2010, 11:48am
beccaf87's Avatar

Board Leader - Travel

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 1,134

See profile

StuckOnYou wrote :
Although it has been many, many years, I do not remember having the exclusive conversation even once in any of my LTRs. It was always clear to me once I was together with someone and we were exclusive.

As always though different people will have different experiences/expectations and YMMV.
Yeah I am monogamous from the beginning, but do not assume the guy is until he actually asks me he wants me to be his gf and doesn't want to see other people.
 
  Reply With Quote
BlueEyedLizzie is offline BlueEyedLizzie Post #5  November 2,2010, 11:50am
BlueEyedLizzi…'s Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2008

Posts: 1,040

See profile

My ex and I never had the talk although we clearly were.

But this guy I'm seeing this week...if it goes into next week or next month he's gonna have to ask because I've changed my playbook since the ex. I assume nothing and go on as before until asked not to.
 
  Reply With Quote
StuckOnYou is offline StuckOnYou Post #6  November 2,2010, 11:53am
StuckOnYou's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 803

See profile

PY_2 wrote :
I personally think sometimes better to ask and confirm rather than assume.
In my cases, the nature of our interactions and the amount of time we were together pretty much precluded the possibility of spending time with anyone else.

OP your case at least sounds similar to mine, but you need to do what you think you should do to feel comfortable.
 
  Reply With Quote
beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #7  November 2,2010, 11:55am
beccaf87's Avatar

Board Leader - Travel

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 1,134

See profile

BlueEyedLizzie wrote :
My ex and I never had the talk although we clearly were.

But this guy I'm seeing this week...if it goes into next week or next month he's gonna have to ask because I've changed my playbook since the ex. I assume nothing and go on as before until asked not to.
How long have you been dating? The guy I am seeing and I have been dating for a month later this week. I am hoping he asks me or may think about keeping my options open because while I took down my dating profile, his is still up.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #8  November 2,2010, 12:00pm
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile

The reason you ask, is because you want to be sure. If you don't care if your boyfriend is seeing other people or having sex with other people, then don't bring it up. However, if you DO care, you should bring it up, so everyone is on the same page. This is the cornerstone of communication here. You have a want/need, you need to find out if that want/need is being fulfilled, or if its just in your head. Once you find out where he stands. Ask yourself if you can live with that.

You can't just assume you're exclusive, because you'll just get hurt later. This is why miscommunications occur.
 
  Reply With Quote
BlueEyedLizzie is offline BlueEyedLizzie Post #9  November 2,2010, 12:01pm
BlueEyedLizzi…'s Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2008

Posts: 1,040

See profile

Not anywhere near long enough for me to even be thinking exclusivity and if he is then that makes him the fool.

The only problem with this grand plan of mine is sex. I have zero desire to end up the next Jerry Springer "Who's your daddy?" show.
 
  Reply With Quote
bumblebbee is offline bumblebbee Post #10  November 2,2010, 12:01pm
bumblebbee's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Nov 2010

Posts: 9

See profile

I met this guy through friends, not online, so he doesn't have a profile to remove. I'm more used to that being the indicator of someone wanting exclusivity. So I don't have that gauge this time.

But I also tend to agree with the amount of time and amount of contact kind of being an indicator of exclusivity. We met 16 days ago, and he's contacted me daily since then, via text and email, mostly, because he's not a big phone person, as most guys aren't these days.

But even our first meeting lasted about 48 hours because we were both visiting San Francisco to spend the weekend with mutual friends and stayed at their house together. We didn't sleep together that weekend, it was just hanging out with friends and meeting for the first time and getting to know each other.

I think that is why we ended up sleeping together on our first "real" date when we were back home (we live in the same city). because we already knew each other so well, and had had all of that interest building up over the weekend, and really felt comfortable with each other already. something about being up until 3 a.m., eating pizza and drinking beer like college kids again (it was a college reunion for my friends) was really bonding. we laughed and shared a lot that weekend.

And then each of our dates have been sleepovers, so we've spent a lot of time together already, even just 12 days into our relationship. (He does call it a relationship, but hasn't called me his girlfriend.)

Our last date was this weekend and started on Friday night and didn't end until Sunday afternoon. and then he texted me all afternoon/evening and again last night, when he had dinner with his mom, so it's not as if he has much spare time to date anyone else. the only reason we're not together during the week much is because I am a single mom and I have my child much of that time.
Last edited by bumblebbee; November 2,2010 at 12:08pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« So, men. Explain this to me, please! | Dating | When a guy doesn't call.. »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Exclusive Does Not Equal Committed Can_I_just_be_Jo Dating 119 April 25,2010 8:42am
being exclusive, when to change your facebook status treeye Relationships 17 December 15,2009 7:22pm
Reason, season, or a lifetime landstar59 Relationships 14 December 11,2009 6:02am
Being Exclusive onemoretry Ask a Dating Expert 7 October 24,2009 10:46pm
My friend and I are now exclusive Bearwolf102 Ask a Dating Expert 10 October 21,2009 8:19pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:14am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0