Weight Issues – Should I go with my intuition or risk it?


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Xable is offline Xable Post #1  October 23,2010, 2:16pm
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I post current and clear photos in my profile for a reason. So people can get an idea of how I look. If asked, I am honest about the fact that I am overweight.

I hate when I first meet a guy and he gives me that look – like I tricked him into the meeting. I try everything in my power to prevent this. Therefore, I’m pretty diligent about going through guy's profiles and looking for those signs that he isn’t interested in overweight women. I figure, if I do my part and he does his, the amount of surprise when we meet should be minimal.

Despite my best efforts, I can still meet up with someone and they can still be disappointed. It doesn’t happen a lot but it does happen – and it stings each time. (I'm not talking no click, I'm talking disappointed because I'm overweight.)


Now, it so happens that I am communicating with a great guy and I think we have a lot in common. However, based on some of his comments, I get the impression that looks are pretty important to him. My intuition is saying that he won’t dig me once he meets me.

My intuition is usually dead on and I don’t like ignoring it. Part of me wants to end our communication because I think it will end with “that look”. However, I’m not sure I’m not being a little too paranoid. I don’t want to blow a potentially great relationship.

So, has anyone been in a situation like this? Did they get the feeling that a guy/girl wouldn’t like them because of weight issues but still wanted to meet up? Should I go with my intuition or should I chance meeting up?

There is one more option I’m considering. I’m thinking about just telling him that - being overweight I’m concerned that he won’t be attracted to me. I just don’t know how a guy would response to something like that. Even if being overweight wasn’t an issue for you, would you perceive insecurity over the issue and be turned off?
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #2  October 23,2010, 2:30pm

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I personally think it's not necessary to say that you're concerned a guy won't be attracted to you because you're overweight. A picture worth more than a thousand words, if you posted full body-shot recent pictures (and you say stuff like "Here I am at such-n-such party/hiking trip on Oct 17") people would know that it's recent. Because guys are expected to be the initiator (at least many women have said/wanted so), you can gauge the interest by how many initiates contact with you OR take a risk in initiating contacts with them if they don't respond or close you out, then that's your answer.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #3  October 23,2010, 2:32pm
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I am a staunch believer in communicating with someone if there is a problem or concern. Regardless of how the person will perceive the question or concern, at least you will get your moment of truth.

Secondly, pictures do not give an accurate description of how someone really looks. It gives an indication, but pictures either enhances someone's looks or not. You may have posted a full body picture, but was it close or far? Do you have mostly head shots and shoulder shots of yourself on your profile? Did you post a picture wearing clothes that hid your figure?

Next, some men are not attracted to overweight women. Then you have men who don't mind a lil weight or someone who is curvy, but might not necessarily be attracted to someone who may be considered a BBW.

In all, if you think that your weight is an issue for men, then simply ask them if they like women who are plus sized or larger and see how they react. If they say that it isn't an issue then turn around and act funky when they meet you, then they are the ones with the problem because they were not honest. If this has been your experience, then I certainly feel your frustration.

I think that you need to address your concerns with the current guy you are communicating before meeting him in person. At least let him know what he is dealing with beforehand that way he won't be surprised. He may still be disappointed when he meets you, but it would not be because you deceived him. I know it's tough, but there are guys out there who like plus sized women. Hope you meet him soon.

B.Y.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #4  October 23,2010, 2:36pm
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This is hard to answer.

If it were me I think I would tell him that you've got concerns with your weight but you're working on dealing with those issues. Leave it up to him if he wants to meet you or not.

This whole issue with looks is so superficial. You can be overweight and still look stylish and presentable to the public. If you've got enough other things in common, one would hope that he can overlook the weight issue and help you get it down to where you want it.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm sitting on the fence with this one. If your intuition is never wrong maybe you should stick with it and find someone who doesn't have problems with looks based on weight.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #5  October 23,2010, 3:10pm
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I think that as long as you have clear and accurate FULL BODY pictures, in which your shape is plainly visible - i.e., no coats or ski pants or ghost costumes, and you know that he is a paying member and has the ability to view your photos, then the responsibility is his.
There are some things about me that are often deal-breakers, esp. in my part of the country - politics, religious views, tattoo, piercings - and I state these plainly in my profile. If a match pursues me who has any of these listed as Can't Stands or dealbreakers, I assume that he has read my profile and has full knowledge, and has chosen to contact me anyway.

I think saying 'Hey, i don't think you will like me because of my weight' is an immediate close. If you don't think your pictures represent you, have a friends take a couple, then send them to him with a "Just got some new pics!" email.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  October 23,2010, 3:29pm
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Some portion of people meet and hope for the best.

I have met people who looked better than their photos, and those who looked worse. So, when a person is on a threshold, based on the photo, some percentage of the time they will be okay in person.

The experence you allude to is the outcome of men taking this chance.

I have had this happen to me. (I also meet without photos, where this is an obvious risk.)


Xable wrote :
I’m thinking about just telling him that - being overweight I’m concerned that he won’t be attracted to me. I just don’t know how a guy would response to something like that. Even if being overweight wasn’t an issue for you, would you perceive insecurity over the issue and be turned off?

I don't see insecurity so much as I see realism. I think I would appreciate an honest message like this.

Depending on the circumstance, and other information about the match, I think I would send her some information about my own shape, choices in eating habits / activity, and comments about what I find attractive, and suggest that if she does not fit, that meeting is probably going to go nowhere.

I also might suggest meeting anyway, with an understanding that it is a shared social meeting (two adults having dinner and conversation together, for the reason that both like a nice meal.)
 
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OlderButWiser0549 is offline OlderButWiser0549 Post #7  October 23,2010, 4:00pm
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Xable wrote :
There is one more option I’m considering. I’m thinking about just telling him that - being overweight I’m concerned that he won’t be attracted to me.
My opinion is this is the best option. It's honest, direct, straight-up.

Xable wrote :
I just don’t know how a guy would response to something like that.
Different guys will respond in different ways. Some, you might never hear from them again; others will appreciate your forthrightness. In any case, never hearing from the guy again, or being summarily closed, has surely got to be better than enduring "that look" on the first date.

Xable wrote :
Even if being overweight wasn’t an issue for you, would you perceive insecurity over the issue and be turned off?
No. In fact, with me your candor would win you bonus points.
 
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VolGal is offline VolGal Post #8  October 23,2010, 4:23pm
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Xable,

I truly feel your pain! I had some very nasty experiences early when I signed up on eHa during the FCW and FCE. I was naive and didn't know there were "players" out there. Being told by a guy when he asked for a picture over private e-mail that he was sorry, he was looking for "a gym partner" - man that was cold! Just recently during the October FCE I got to 3rd base with a Match and he slipped me his e-mail in 3rd stage and we shared a few private e-mails and even a telephone call when he asked me to text him a photo and - then - POOF! I closed that dude immediately. Man, it really ticks me off!!!

I am very thin skinned, and I take it hard. I am very super critical of myself, and I am a size 14. Each time it happens, I resolve that I will dust myself off, pick up what's left of my self-respect, and get back out there. But I have closed matching several times, one time for 4 months, because that type of rejection really hits me hard. Very hard.

I keep telling myself that it is their problem - not mine - I have recent, dated, full-body shot, one family shot with my children, one family shot on Mother's Day with the Mothers of my life, and a wild and crazy Tennessee fan shot (because that is my PASSION). So if they can see pics, they are definitely not misled.

As hard as it is, take it easy on yourself. Men can be really cruel - just like they were in high school. And it is their problem, not yours. Best I can tell you is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take inventory on what's left of your self-esteem and self-respect, lick your wounds, and get back in there!

I have several friends who have found lifelong happiness and marriage through eHa. So I remain ... for now ... eternally optimistic! And while I am waiting for the next match and next response to requests to communicate, I hang out here on the Boards.

If you have anything you'd like to ask not in public, PM me.

On your original question, I wouldn't say anything. Assuming, as posted by others, you have recent FULL BODY SHOTS in your profile and your match can SEE PICS, then you have done your due diligence and the ball is in his court. If you say something now, you might sound needy, clingy, or, worse yet, unconfident. Carry it proudly, girl!
Last edited by VolGal; October 23,2010 at 4:26pm.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  October 23,2010, 5:06pm
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In reading your post several things come to my mind. Certainly not the least of which is that your "current and clear photos" better be better ones than what you have posted in your Advice profile However, since I don't have anything to go on I will just throw some thoughts out there.

1) I have yet to meet any match that I thought looked like her photos. I do not consider that they have tried to deceive me, just that a two dimensional photo does not accurately represent a three dimensional person.

2) Unless the person you have met said "Whoa, you sure are fat!!!" how do you know that the reason they are not interested or have rejected you (given "that look") is based on your weight. It could be any number of things that caused your match to not be attracted to you.

3) You seem to be overly sensitive to being rejected. You also seem to be overly sensitive to your weight. I would suggest that you work on developing a thicker skin. And if your weight is truly a problem you should work on that also.

4) Since rejection and your perception that it is because of your weight is a problem for you, you could put something in your profile that makes note of your weight and if your match is uncomfortable with that weight to move on. OR you could broach the subject in the first Open Communication e-mail.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #10  October 23,2010, 5:41pm
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Dropdeadredtx wrote :
I think that as long as you have clear and accurate FULL BODY pictures, in which your shape is plainly visible - i.e., no coats or ski pants or ghost costumes, and you know that he is a paying member and has the ability to view your photos, then the responsibility is his.
There are some things about me that are often deal-breakers, esp. in my part of the country - politics, religious views, tattoo, piercings - and I state these plainly in my profile. If a match pursues me who has any of these listed as Can't Stands or dealbreakers, I assume that he has read my profile and has full knowledge, and has chosen to contact me anyway.

I think saying 'Hey, i don't think you will like me because of my weight' is an immediate close. If you don't think your pictures represent you, have a friends take a couple, then send them to him with a "Just got some new pics!" email.
This x 1,000 ^! The only problem w/ communicating your concern is if he closes the match you won't know if he did so b/c of your weight or insecurity.
Last edited by Special-K; October 23,2010 at 5:43pm.
 
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