Too many men, too little time


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NeurosciBarbie is offline NeurosciBarbie Post #1  October 23,2010, 11:42am
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First off, let me say that if I would have killed to have this problem back in high school, but now I know how annoying it can be.

My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago, and, since then, I've been asked out by many male friends and a lot of new men I've met. All of these guys seem wonderful, and I'd like to go on at least a few dates with each of them. My problem is not that any of them are asking for a commitment yet, but that I don't have time to date multiple people.

I work 30 hours a week, spend 18 hours in classes, study for at least a few hours each day, go to the gym 2 hrs 5 days a week, and I'm also an officer in a very active student organization. In addition, my father has some health issues, so I often spend time with him. I'm lucky if I have about 4 hours of free time a week.

I don't see how I'll ever be able to establish a relationship with anyone if I see them once every few weeks, assuming I'm rotating who I'm dating. Should I just select one guy before "test driving" the rest? I just feel like I'm not being fair to a guy by telling him that I'll date him, but maybe see him once a month. I also don't think it's fair to deny myself romantic involvement just because I'm very dedicated to my work and school.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #2  October 23,2010, 11:50am
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is happier than if it was a 'no boss Friday' going into a three-day weekend... :-)

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Is there a question in all of this?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  October 23,2010, 11:52am
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How did you fit your boyfriend in? Is that why you broke up?

What ever time it took to maintain a relationship with the boyfriend can now be filled with dating the most interesting ones.

Kid in a candy store is a frequent reaction to a recent break up.

NeurosciBarbie wrote :
My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago, and, since then, I've been asked out by many male friends and a lot of new men I've met. All of these guys seem wonderful, and I'd like to go on at least a few dates with each of them. My problem is not that any of them are asking for a commitment yet, but that I don't have time to date multiple people.
.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  October 23,2010, 11:53am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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NeurosciBarbie wrote :

I work 30 hours a week, spend 18 hours in classes, study for at least a few hours each day, go to the gym 2 hrs 5 days a week, and I'm also an officer in a very active student organization. In addition, my father has some health issues, so I often spend time with him. I'm lucky if I have about 4 hours of free time a week.

I don't see how I'll ever be able to establish a relationship with anyone if I see them once every few weeks, assuming I'm rotating who I'm dating.
This problem with time is one that many people who work extremely long hours and focus their life on their work. They either accept not having a relationship or they find someone similar to themselves for whom a relationship is a relatively unimportant thing in their lives. With only 4 hours of free time a week it really sounds like the problem is 'too little time' and 'too many men' is ancillary.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  October 23,2010, 11:57am
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I think your idea of picking one man at a time to spend your limited time with is a good one.

I also agree with some other posters that you don't seem to have time/space for a relationship. Do you think that's true? You might want to look at prioritizing.
 
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NeurosciBarbie is offline NeurosciBarbie Post #6  October 23,2010, 11:58am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
How did you fit your boyfriend in? Is that why you broke up?
We saw each other one or two times a week. We actually broke up because, after he lost his job, he decided he didn't want to look for another one, and he dropped all the classes he had this semester. I can't be with someone who has no motivation. Also, apparently he felt like a "loser" every time something went right with my career.


To the person who asked if there was a question: Yes. The question was how do I go about handling this? Is it okay to tell guys that I'll date them, but see them very infrequently? I know that 3 of them are potentially looking for a relationship, and I don't want to be stringing them along if I don't have time for them, but I also don't want to deny myself.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #7  October 23,2010, 12:02pm
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Rather than looking for a relationship, you might want to consider just casual dating for a while, if a potential good suitor should present himself in the near future, then you can persue an exclusive relationship at that time.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #8  October 23,2010, 12:05pm
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is happier than if it was a 'no boss Friday' going into a three-day weekend... :-)

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NeurosciBarbie wrote :
We saw each other one or two times a week. We actually broke up because, after he lost his job, he decided he didn't want to look for another one, and he dropped all the classes he had this semester. I can't be with someone who has no motivation. Also, apparently he felt like a "loser" every time something went right with my career.


To the person who asked if there was a question: Yes. The question was how do I go about handling this? Is it okay to tell guys that I'll date them, but see them very infrequently? I know that 3 of them are potentially looking for a relationship, and I don't want to be stringing them along if I don't have time for them, but I also don't want to deny myself.
If you are equally interested in pursuing a relationship, I'd be upfront and honest about your free time. Let him decide which is more important: pursuing a relationship w/ you and getting very little face time or finding someone who can offer him more of her time.

If you're not interested in/don't have time for a relationship, stick to going out w/ guys who are looking for the same.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  October 23,2010, 12:07pm
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NeurosciBarbie wrote :
I don't see how I'll ever be able to establish a relationship with anyone if I see them once every few weeks, assuming I'm rotating who I'm dating. Should I just select one guy before "test driving" the rest? I just feel like I'm not being fair to a guy by telling him that I'll date him, but maybe see him once a month. I also don't think it's fair to deny myself romantic involvement just because I'm very dedicated to my work and school.

These are quite distinct concerns.

It sounds like your schedule would leave your weekends mostly free (unless you left a lot out)?

I worked 6:00 to 5:15, then had class four nights a week; I didn't need to study, but did have assignments to complete, which consumed some weekend time. I also would work Friday night and any weekends I could get the overtime for. It did cause partners to dump me, but not all of them, and I actually had more success having a partner then, than previously or subsequently.

In my case, I can accept seeing my partner as little as about once per month - provided that time together is full weekends. I would prefer more, but that is actually something that is a lot of my history.

I think you are right: that you are enititled, and should have, a romantic partner irregardless of your occupational and educational demands. I have dated women in this situation, and I had a better overall experience with them.

I do not personally accept being one of two or more, and I do not invest, chase, or expend effort to be selected. So, if my partner elected not to see me, in order to see someone else, I expect I would exit that situation.

My suggestion, is that you investigate forthrightly with each, and have only one meeting, then pick the partner who seems most aligned and compatible with your schedule, who is also attractive and otherwise suitable.

A theme in decision science, is that a choice which seems hard (because the options are similar) is not in fact important (because the options are similar.)
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #10  October 23,2010, 12:43pm
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Special-K wrote :
Is there a question in all of this?

Yes...its called she should just give up on dating right now because she doesnt have any time in her life to fairly devote to it.

If she just needs that something a man could provide she could pick one and Im sure he would be more than willing to provide his service.
 
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