Am I undateable? And how do you deal with loneliness?


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Soraya is offline Soraya Post #1  October 22,2010, 12:22pm
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Do you have any ideas/advices how to deal with the feeling of loneliness? I'm thankful for every input. I know that I shouldn't put pressure on myself when it comes to dating men. But the feeling of loneliness drives me crazy at present. And I think that I'm good at hiding this pressure. The men I meet never recognize it. But (internet) dating doesn't work anywise. There must be a red flag/any red flags that keep(s) men from dating me. I'm young, intelligent, witty, empathetic, have a good job, very good income, speak four languages and people tell me that I am good looking (And I think there's nothing wrong with my body. I'm tall, slim and curvy.). In addition I'm interested in various activities, sports, fine arts, travelling, outdoor activities...there is nothing a man couldn't do with me. So what's the catch??? Where is it? When I date a man, he seems to be interested in me at the beginning. After some dates he just disappears or he tells me that he won't date me anymore (with wishi washi comments). The same with OC on eH. I had two great OC with interesting men. They abruptly stopped writing me. The fact remains that I'm single. I made the big mistake that I had sex with some of the guys I met and they always said after that the sex was great. They just used me. I don't think that I have wrong expectations...My loneliness made me lower my standards long ago And that made me dating men some girls would never date. My friends tell me I deserve better and I should raise my standards. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I might be undateable. Are people out there who deal with the same problem? And how do you handle your loneliness? Thanks for any advices!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  October 22,2010, 12:39pm
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It seems you attract men but they don't stay. There is a tone of desperation.
Why don't you post your profile here where women and men can give you some objective tips and advice?

Soraya wrote :

The same with OC on eH. I had two great OC with interesting men. They abruptly stopped writing me. The fact remains that I'm single. I made the big mistake that I had sex with some of the guys I met and they always said after that the sex was great. ..My loneliness made me lower my standards long ago And that made me dating men some girls would never date.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #3  October 22,2010, 12:51pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
There is a tone of desperation.
I agree w/ this. It doesn't matter how good an actress you are, people can sniff out loneliness and desperation.

I recommend finding something new to divert your attention away from dating: a hobby, continuing your education, something.

When you are healthy and happy w/ who you are (alone or not), this radiates as confidence and you become much more attractive to others.
 
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Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #4  October 22,2010, 1:13pm
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Try to take stock in yourself and see if you can learn from the dating experience you've had so far to determine what might have caused your lack of success. Is there someone you could talk through some of your experiences with who could help you think this through and see what might be going wrong? I have a trusted mentor (friend) who I discuss some of my dating experiences with and its great to get a mature 3rd party perspective.

I'm betting you are literally choosing and attracting the wrong type of men for you. If you felt having sex too soon was a mistake (you said you felt used) then maybe you should rethink your position on when is the appropriate time in a relationship for you to have sex (such as waiting until after you're in a serious monogamous relationship).

If you're using EH also re-examine all your filters in your settings to make sure you're getting a robust set of matches as possible for you. Consider dating outside your race and culture if that's okay with you.

Sharing your profile here is a great idea to get more specific feedback on that aspect.

Try to stay busy with friends and take up some hobbies or classes or join a coed intramural sports team (thru work or Y) if you haven't done so. Some people have suggested signing up for Meetupdotcom as a way to casually meet other people who share similar interests. Having a busy fulfilling personal life will also make you more attractive to many men.

I've met several very lonely men who are very successful in their professional careers and lead interesting lives otherwise. So there are eligible men out there who would probably love to meet you.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #5  October 22,2010, 1:15pm
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Special-K wrote :
I agree w/ this. It doesn't matter how good an actress you are, people can sniff out loneliness and desperation.

I recommend finding something new to divert your attention away from dating: a hobby, continuing your education, something.

When you are healthy and happy w/ who you are (alone or not), this radiates as confidence and you become much more attractive to others.
This is great advice. Learn to enjoy being alone, enjoy your own company first. Then dating and relationships become a choice - it is something you want, not something you need. Makes all the difference in the world.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #6  October 22,2010, 1:34pm
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I also think you're outlook is wrong. You seem to be wanting a man to give you a chance. Its almost like you're waiting for permission to like a guy. That's a wrong attitude to take.

Take control of your feelings. Decide what you like...and what you don't like. What maybe happening is that you take the guy because he's there. He never feels that you like him, because you never made that decision. You just stay because he's there. The guy will eventually feel used himself, or at least flustered at where he stands, and leave.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #7  October 22,2010, 2:10pm
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I'm sure it feels like you're undateable, but you sound like a vibrant and enjoyable person! Your profile might intimidate some prospective dates if you tell them that you earn very good money and speak four languages. Also, the other posters are right... People can smell desperation (even online). Get a hobby, preferrably one that provides the potential to meet other singles. Make the effort to hang out with friends and family. Consider joining a local club or group. Emersing yourself in activities you enjoy with the opportunity to meet other singles just increases the possibility of making a connection with someone who shares your interests.

Good luck!
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #8  October 22,2010, 2:10pm
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You are not undateable. Please understand that dating is a process. Sometimes, it takes a while to meet someone who is highly compatible to you. You will meet many people who will not fit your mold, but that doesn't mean that it is always your fault.

Next, having sex with someone who chooses to move on doesn't mean you were used all the time. There are some people who have alterior motives and prey upon people, but there are those who enjoy the sex as much as yourself and may like you, but may decide to pursue others. Then you have those who may conclude that you are not relationship material for them. Point is, some people are meant to have casual relations and others long term relations. In all, sex or not, you can still yield positive or negative results.

Lastly, post #4 gave great advice. Might want to take heed and adopt a different attitude and approach if you desire more promising results.

B.Y.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  October 22,2010, 2:32pm
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All great pieces of advice. I think you need to change your outlook. If you find you are not connecting with the people you're dating it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it just means you don't connect. Not everyone who I go on a first date with do I want to continue with. Usually it's not because there is ANYTHING wrong with the person, we're not compatible.

I also think that you cannot assume that dating is a cure for loneliness. Not only does it put way too much pressure on that other person but it also means, as others have said, that you could be giving off an air of desperation even if you don't mean to because in essence you are looking to them to fill something that you yourself should be creating in your life.

I agree with all the others ideas that you should instead first seek to find ways to deal with the loneliness in your own life before trying to date others. If you feel like you don't know where to start and your insurance will cover it, a therapist is often a great option. They are a great third party option and they inconjunction with your doctor can also make sure there is nothing more serious like depression going on.

As someone who has dealt with depression (as well as anxiety) I can fully understand the feelings you're talking about it and will say that dealing with it and building a healthy, fulfilling life on my own has made my dating a million times better. I realize I don't need another person in my life, but I want them there.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #10  October 22,2010, 3:37pm
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Soraya wrote :



So what's the catch??? Where is it? When I date a man, he seems to be interested in me at the beginning. After some dates he just disappears or he tells me that he won't date me anymore (with wishi washi comments). The same with OC on eH. I had two great OC with interesting men. They abruptly stopped writing me. The fact remains that I'm single. I made the big mistake that I had sex with some of the guys I met and they always said after that the sex was great. They just used me. I don't think that I have wrong expectations...My loneliness made me lower my standards long ago And that made me dating men some girls would never date. My friends tell me I deserve better and I should raise my standards. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I might be undateable. Are people out there who deal with the same problem? And how do you handle your loneliness? Thanks for any advices!
what exactly are your standards? Bercause you meet people online you think that lowers your standards?


You sleeping too soon with men is an issue...many men look at women...especially through dating sites as a conquest and a quick score without needing commitment.

If women were just as carefree as men are with sex less people would bet married.

I dont think its as much as desperation as it is frustration.

Not sure what else you may doing wrong in terms of how you are judging potential matches by just going for the most attractive or not.
 
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