BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #1  October 22,2010, 11:35am
BabyYoda's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2010

Inland Empire, CA

Posts: 2,989

See profile

Do you think it is necessary to be very selective choosing who to date?

Is there a fine line between being selective and being guarded?

Is it possible to gain positive results by being selective with prospective dates?

B.Y.
 
  Reply With Quote
Special-K is offline Special-K Post #2  October 22,2010, 11:49am
Special-K's Avatar

is happier than if it was a 'no boss Friday' going into a three-day weekend... :-)

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2010

Posts: 1,880

See profile

Yes, I think I'm selective in who I go out w/. By this I mean that I spend enough time on the front end getting to know someone before I agree to meet in person. This has served me well, as people reveal who they are in many ways and, if I feel like we aren't going to jive (and I don't mean chemistry) it saves us both the time and trouble of an in person meet. I suppose this can also be seen as being guarded... not sure about that one...
 
  Reply With Quote
boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  October 22,2010, 11:54am
boschimsp's Avatar

Starting to acknowledge that my single life is actually fantastic.

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 2,116

See profile

For me it's always tricky. I try to be as selective as I can (especially when I am meeting people online vs. IRL), but at the same time I think I am also open minded in that I will still move to phone conversations and in an person date with someone if I'm on the fence about them. I say that because I happen to know someone who I met and dated IRL. Before I dated him (but after I met him in person) I happened to stumble upon his online dating profile. Interestingly if I didn't know him IRL I would have easily overlooked him. I guess because of that I am conscious of the fact that dating profiles don't really fully capture a person and I'm more willing to be open minded and invest more time in dating people (even if they all might not work out) vs. overly screening and missing out on some great gems. That said, I will say this approach gets exaustive because I am definitely going on more first dates than I would if I screened more people out to begin with. Because of this, I am not 100% sure how effective of a process it is. My membership with eHarmony ends at the end of November so my guess is that if at that time I am still single I will evaluate if that is still the way I want to proceed because while I do like doing it this way, it does mean a lot of first dates, which means a huge time commitment and less time to spend on other things.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  October 22,2010, 11:58am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,301

See profile

Great questions.
Yes, I think it is important to be selective. As to how selective, not so narrow that only a couple of people on earth fit the criteria, but also not so broad based that anything will do.

Yes, an overly guarded person, may because of inner or prior issues may rule out potentially good matches . If they have to be like this or not like that, based on baggage then that's too guarded.

If the selectivity is in and of itself, such as fitting into certain criteria (age, looks, personality, etc.) then it pays off. A focused approach and search increases the likelihood of finding what fits.

The element of time and place are essential:
With too open a selection, you could be with Ms. So-So, wasting time "trying to feel it", while Ms. Wow is off somewhere else.

BabyYoda wrote :



1) Do you think it is necessary to be very selective choosing who to date?

2) Is there a fine line between being selective and being guarded?

3) Is it possible to gain positive results by being selective with prospective dates?

B.Y.
 
  Reply With Quote
Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #5  October 22,2010, 12:34pm
Getting_There's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Aug 2010

Posts: 291

See profile

Do you think it is necessary to be very selective choosing who to date?
-- Well I've learned to be very selective when it comes more to our shared values and beliefs and the personality type of my match than our common hobbies or interests in music. My caveat is that I'm ultimately looking for an LTR which could result in marriage.

Is there a fine line between being selective and being guarded?
-- In my case I don't think there is a fine line. I'm initially guarded anyway with all my matches even the ones I meet until I get a handle on who they really are.

Is it possible to gain positive results by being selective with prospective dates?
-- Yes definitely. When I first started using EH I was not as selective (more open minded and willing to give the benefit of the doubt) because I wanted to learn about online dating and gauge how the process worked and what matches were like as compared to their profiles and communication. I learned a lot and have since become more selective so I don't waste my time or the time of my matches.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #6  October 22,2010, 1:28pm
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile

I think selective dating hurts your chances of finding a truly good relationship in many cases.

Sure, there are certain criteria that just won't match, and that is not being selective. That's being practical. A person who seriously wants children vs. a person who is totally against children. Not going to work. You can't compromise with a dog. A religious zealot and an atheist.

But i think that people start piling on these criteria into the "necessary" category, which starts to limit who they find attractive. So then they say "that person isn't attractive" or "we have no chemistry" because they don't have all the necessary items in their category.

Lets also add to the fact that one person who has the criteria that can't work with you, another person can have and be totally willing to work with you. But if you write this guy or girl off, you'll never know.

There's too much of this "I don't want to waste my time". That says to me that you're not willing to try unless you are sure of success and you can NEVER be sure of success. The person you're least likely to go out with, maybe the one you get along the best.

So i waste my time. And don't regret a single minute of it. Because the way i see it, If a person doesn't work out, I'm no better than just not going out. In fact, i'm worse, because I at least, got out. BUT, if that person works out, I'd be much happier for it.
 
  Reply With Quote
StuckOnYou is offline StuckOnYou Post #7  October 22,2010, 1:45pm
StuckOnYou's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 803

See profile

Back when I was dating, my approach to selectivity was to have a few can't stands that were non-negotiable, for example smoking, cat allergies, history of violence, etc., but otherwise be completely flexible. I chose this strategy because of what I perceived to be a very fine line between being selective and being too selective. Frequently, the addition of a single criterion would drop the number of my potential partners from an embarrassment of riches to nothing!

Also, I have observed that when someone says I'm not that much pickier than my friends yet they always have dates and I do not, they are frequently right, at least in a larger sense. It is just that they've added that one criterion that has pushed them over the Tipping Point, to use Malcolm Gladwell's terminology, or been the straw that broke the camel's back, if you prefer the wisdom of old proverbs, and they've been left with nothing.
 
  Reply With Quote
lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #8  October 22,2010, 1:57pm
lacedwithhope's Avatar

dog slimed!

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2008

At the left coast

Posts: 7,341

See profile

Getting_There wrote :
...Is there a fine line between being selective and being guarded?
-- In my case I don't think there is a fine line. I'm initially guarded anyway with all my matches even the ones I meet until I get a handle on who they really are.
I am the same way.
I believe that I am just careful about whom I date and how I approach a potential relationship, but I have been called 'guarded.' It felt derogatory, but I was assured it was just an observation. I'm not sure ...

In any event, I think it's important to be selective. Unless you enjoy dating just for the sake of dating and are not really seeking something long-term.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; October 22,2010 at 8:38pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #9  October 22,2010, 2:00pm
Ingytravel's Avatar

Naps are one of life's great joys:)

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 8,164

See profile

I agree that there are some non negotiables with me like smoking and drinking excessively...and yes..I am one of 'those' that believes there has to be chemistry after a few dates...I also want them to feel that same chemistry with me..

I look at it as what is the point if I don't want to grab that handsome face and kiss them!!! I have many great friends...that is what separates them from the guys I date...the butterflies and smooching!! LOL...And every great relationship I have had..even my marriage for all it's good/bad...we have both had chemistry...so not giving up now..

As far as guarded...nope...never have been guarded in my life...I am a jump right off the deep end kind of gal!! I give every first date the best possible chance...
 
  Reply With Quote
treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #10  October 22,2010, 2:17pm
treatmesweetl…'s Avatar

Veteran

Joined: May 2008

Farmington Hills, MI

Posts: 1,052

See profile

See blue...

BabyYoda wrote :
Do you think it is necessary to be very selective choosing who to date? Yes. I took the date-anyone-willing-to-ask-me-out approach once. It was horrible! I had nothing in common with most of those guys. We had trouble just finding some common topics to talk about during those uncomfortable first dates.

Is there a fine line between being selective and being guarded? Probably... but you won't know until you cross it.

Is it possible to gain positive results by being selective with prospective dates? Yes, I've met a few great guys by being "actively open-minded" and agreeing to meet someone I would not normally date. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

B.Y.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« Haven't Even Met him, and Already Annoyed.... | Dating | Stopped talking to me, will he change his mind? Advice please »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
what in the world is "Casual" DATING?! jussmile Dating 61 November 5,2010 12:44am
What futuristic advancements would you recommend for our favorite dating site, eHarmony? Diana_P Using eHarmony 11 October 14,2010 2:05pm
dating and geography cp30 Dating 100 September 22,2010 5:28am
10 things Dating Sites won't tell you... SingleYetAgain Using eHarmony 28 September 12,2010 11:43am
dating someone recently out of a relationship curlygirl10 Dating 10 December 17,2009 8:40pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:08am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0