Cali2u is offline Cali2u Post #1  October 21,2010, 11:25am
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First time here.. Hi all of you! Hope you can help.

Talking with my EH Match for a couple weeks. Really like and have tons in common as we were communicating.

As our first date gets closer I notice they are letting me know they are getting nervous.
It gets to the point of every other message/text is how nervous they are.. Thinking that we all are nervous to a certain level I just try to pass it off and let them know it will be a nice date, I"m looking forward to meeting etc..

We meet and if they had not told me they were nervous before hand I would have thought I was doing something wrong on this date. Very uncomfortable.. Trying everything I can think of to let them know I"m enjoying the time and getting to know them.

Here is the deal. I like this person but, I have a feeling it will always be about building up their self Confidence because of pass issues and although we all have some issues.... its exhausting and at the end was a turn off.

The next day talking it was still about building self confidence I thought this may work out but, I also know that no matter what you do or say,,, a person has to take back their own Self confidence. And low self esteem can turn into controling , jealous issues. I can feel its not going to work in the big picture. Its not about giving them time.. its pass the normal we all have things that make us nervous .

So my question is.. how do I let them know I've put them in the friend catagory . When they are saying they are into me. I don't want to destory more of their self esteem.

~ Calli
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  October 21,2010, 11:30am
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Tell them that you don't feel the chemistry and forget about them. Do not offer to be friends with someone who wants more than that from you - it's cruel and it does not work. The person who is turned off and not interested is happy, the other person is not moving on and lives in an unhealthy situation. Just say no and move on.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  October 21,2010, 11:30am
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Controlling and jealousy has absolutly nothing to do with self esteem.

You havent met this person based on your post and you are reading into their nervousness and you finding fault in them.

Thus you want to pull away.

I am sure on the date you would find some silly fauly and knock him off because you didnt like that.

You are likely the first person he would meet this way and he has liked the conversation so he has gotten nervous unsure if you will reject him for some silly reason as I am foecasting right now.
 
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socalgal55 is offline socalgal55 Post #4  October 21,2010, 11:31am
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Cali2u wrote :
First time here.. Hi all of you! Hope you can help.

Talking with my EH Match for a couple weeks. Really like and have tons in common as we were communicating.

As our first date gets closer I notice they are letting me know they are getting nervous.
It gets to the point of every other message/text is how nervous they are.. Thinking that we all are nervous to a certain level I just try to pass it off and let them know it will be a nice date, I"m looking forward to meeting etc..

We meet and if they had not told me they were nervous before hand I would have thought I was doing something wrong on this date. Very uncomfortable.. Trying everything I can think of to let them know I"m enjoying the time and getting to know them.

Here is the deal. I like this person but, I have a feeling it will always be about building up their self Confidence because of pass issues and although we all have some issues.... its exhausting and at the end was a turn off.

The next day talking it was still about building self confidence I thought this may work out but, I also know that no matter what you do or say,,, a person has to take back their own Self confidence. And low self esteem can turn into controling , jealous issues. I can feel its not going to work in the big picture. Its not about giving them time.. its pass the normal we all have things that make us nervous .

So my question is.. how do I let them know I've put them in the friend catagory . When they are saying they are into me. I don't want to destory more of their self esteem.

~ Calli
What if you simply said that you are a confident person and are looking for the same in a mate and that you don't feel it will work between the two of you as you'd rather spend your time enjoying them vs building them up. Honesty is always the best policy. Just try to figure out how to word it without creating more of a lack of confidence in them. Although, that said, they are responsible for how they take something as long as it's said with kindness and respect.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  October 21,2010, 11:34am
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Their self esteem after one date is not your problem.
It is weird when someone does that to the point of needing hand holding, rather than just trying to relax.

If you feel this person is too insecure / anxious for your comfort level, you can just say there was no "connection", "chemistry" , whatever and leave it at that.

Cali2u wrote :
It gets to the point of every other message/text is how nervous they are.. Thinking that we all are nervous to a certain level I just try to pass it off and let them know it will be a nice date, I"m looking forward to meeting etc..

We meet and if they had not told me they were nervous before hand I would have thought I was doing something wrong on this date. Very uncomfortable.. Trying everything I can think of to let them know I"m enjoying the time and getting to know them.

Here is the deal. I like this person but, I have a feeling it will always be about building up their self Confidence because of pass issues and although we all have some issues.... its exhausting and at the end was a turn off.


So my question is.. how do I let them know I've put them in the friend category . When they are saying they are into me. I don't want to destroy more of their self esteem.

~ Calli
 
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Cali2u is offline Cali2u Post #6  October 21,2010, 11:41am
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WOW.. Dancing fool and Amiluwant you both totally misread or misunderstood my post and question. Or not having a good day.

Thank you Socalgal.. Its very important to me to find a way to tell him the truth but not destroy more of his self esteem. I want to be respectful and not cruel. Both have to feel the chemistry for it to work. Thank you again.
 
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Cali2u is offline Cali2u Post #7  October 21,2010, 11:42am
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Thank you wiseman2
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #8  October 21,2010, 11:44am

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I am curious why you wrote your post gender neutral.
 
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Cali2u is offline Cali2u Post #9  October 21,2010, 12:27pm
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didn't realize I had until you pointed it out. No reason
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #10  October 21,2010, 12:37pm

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Cali2u wrote :
didn't realize I had until you pointed it out. No reason
Don't mind me, I notice strange things.

Would it make you feel better to think they might not be as in to you as they say? Think about it, what put them in that condition, rejection? So here they are scared to death you will reject them so they act in a way that makes you reject them. So yeah it is probably the rejection that will hurt them not that they are into you and lost you.

That didn't help did it?
 
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