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MichaelNES13 Post #1 October 21,2010, 6:05am

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Good morning everyone!!

I have a situation that I would like to get some thoughts on. I know that this is long so please forgive me for that.

I have known this girl for about 7 years now. There has always been a mutual attraction to each other but the timing never really seemed right as when one of us was single, the other was dating someone. Some months back we started chatting on facebook while I was on my lunch break and we ended up setting up a date for that weekend.

We got together and I took her out for sushi and then we went and got some ice cream and spent the rest of the night just hanging out, talking, and just enjoying each other's company. Things just really seemed to click and we started hanging out a good bit. It wasn't all the time as we live about 30-45 minutes apart now but at least 2 nights during the week and at least one night on the weekends.

After a month of this, we decided to make things official. I met her mom and she loved me and thought that I was a really great guy for her daughter. She met my folks again (she met them back in the day when we first became friends) and they all got along great. So things were going really good, the way she treated me, the way she looked at me, our conversations, just everything pointed that this was going to be a great relationship and that things could possibly get a lot more serious.

One night I went up to her house to see her and cooked a nice dinner for the two of us. After eating, we sat on the back porch just talking about anything and everything. She told me that everything felt so right with me and that she was so happy that I was back in her life again and that she loved me and could see herself marrying me. I felt the same way and I can't remember the last time that I was as happy as I had been so far with her. She also said that she had never been treated as nice and with as much respect as I had treated her and that it made her attraction to me even stronger.

So things were going great and then one night she called me and we talked for about 20-30 minutes. We were just chatting about our days at work and stuff and then she all of a sudden hits me with "I can't do this anymore". I was like say what? She said yeah, I have a new house to worry about, I am studying for a CFP (certified financial planner) certification exam, and I just can't give you the time and attention that you need and deserve. This pretty much hit me like a ton of bricks because it was so totally out of the blue. Not even a week before she told me that things were about to get stressful because of her exam coming up and I explained to her that I was very understanding. She said that she wanted me to help keep her accountable and to help keep her focused on studying for said exam. I responded to her by saying that I would do what I could to help her succeed in that and that I would be understanding and be there for her and that I wouldn't expect her to call me or see me every free moment because I knew that the exam was very important to her and that we would do just fine. She told me that was perfect and that she was glad that I was willing to do that and that once again she was happy to have me in her life.

So naturally when she said she couldn't do it anymore, I was thinking what the crap? I didn't really know what to say to that. She asked me what I was thinking and I said well honestly, that really hurts. She immediately went on the defensive and told me that I was only thinking of myself and hadn't heard a word she had said. I remained calm and explained to her that I had heard her and that I understood what she was saying, but that it didn't mean it didn't hurt. She spouted off again that I was just thinking of my feelings. I told her that I would respect her decision and that I was not going to beg. I asked a simple question of "Did you really mean all the things you had said to me before because they felt and seemed to be sincere?" and she again got defensive and asked why I couldn't just respect her decision. I again told her that I understood and that I respected her decision but that I also felt as though I deserved enough respect to ask a question if I had one. At this point she totally shut down and was just jumping at me. I told her that I felt as though things could get bad if we continued the conversation so I hoped she had a good night and then I thanked her for the opportunity to get to be a part of her life and told her that she knew where to find me.

Since then, I have not heard one word from her, no phone calls, no texts, and no emails. I have not tried to contact her as I feel the ball is in her court and if she wants something with me then it's up to her because I am not going to start begging her. At the same time, I am just very confused because it was like one day everything is great, and the next everything goes to crap.

I'm not moping around and feeling sorry for myself but I'm just wondering what someone else's take might be. I don't know if it's just stress with everything, or if she just got scared because of her feelings, or whether it could have been another guy in the picture. I felt as though I handled everything as best and mature as I could and I wasn't confrontational, pushy, or smothering. I was even cool if she wanted to hang out with her girlfriends and never 20 questioned her about it. I was just myself and treated her with the same respect that I would like for someone to show me. I was always straight forward and honest with my feelings and comments.

I just dunno. Anyways, I'll hang up and listen. Oh and thanks for reading, I know it was a long post, haha.

socalgal55 Post #2 October 21,2010, 6:40am

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It could be many things, she could have dated a selfish man in the past and thought you were coming off that way, even though you weren't. She could be bi-polar, she certainly went from one extreme to the other. Another guy, doesn't sound like it to me.

So many of us bring much baggage to relationships and treat our current partner based on how another male or female treated us. We see certain things that we saw in previous relationship partners and blow them out of perspective.

The best thing that we can all do is take time off to work on us and get rid of the baggage before we move on to someone else. If we don't that relationship is doomed to fail. It sounds like she hadn't done the work on herself necessary to start a new relationship.

If you handled it the way you said you did I wouldn't beat yourself up as it doesn't seem that you did anything wrong. Let it go and figure she hasn't done the work to be in a successful relationship. Personally, I wouldn't be available for her in the future, it sounds like she has much work on herself to do. Blaming others when it is truly something within you is a hard one to overcome.

Wiseman2 Post #3 October 21,2010, 6:53am

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Your 7 year history may be the answer:
You or she were seeing someone else.

The sudden all is perfect to I need my space, blowing hot and cold in a matter of this short time indicates that.

All the ricocheting around about the exam, house etc. indicate that these are excuses to end things and when you came up with understanding solutions it foiled her easy escape plan.

MichaelNES13 wrote :

I have known this girl for about 7 years now.

She told me that everything felt so right with me and that she was so happy that I was back in her life again and that she loved me and could see herself marrying me.

she all of a sudden hits me with "I can't do this anymore".

This pretty much hit me like a ton of bricks because it was so totally out of the blue
So naturally when she said she couldn't do it anymore, I was thinking what the crap?

At this point she totally shut down and was just jumping at me.
I am just very confused because it was like one day everything is great, and the next everything goes to crap.

.

MichaelNES13 Post #4 October 21,2010, 6:56am

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socalgal55 wrote :

Thanks socalgal55. I honestly am not beating myself up over it. I actually had just gotten an email from a friend that I design a website for and he was asking me to do some updates and new designs for his page and in closing he asked if I had ever heard anything back from her so it got me to thinking about the situation and so I figured that I would post it on here just to see what other people might have insight on. After having time to think about it, I honestly don't think that if she called or whatnot that I would be responsive other than to communicate because it did hurt as it was the first time in 2 years that I just totally let my guard down and really let someone in and I think I would be really hesitant to put myself out there for her again. I found it easy to be myself in the relationship and never felt as though I had to be something that I'm not. I was never controlling or even a hint of it. The last guy that she dated didn't treat her well at all and would always yell and fuss at her. First of all that's just not me to do something like that, bust secondly, I always made it a point that if we had any type of disagreement to be calm and talk to her just like I would in any other situation so that she would not feel threatened, or scolded and would be able to have a good talk to get our points across to one another. Good communication is one of the keys to a lasting relationship in my opinion and you have to be able to communicate in a healthy way whether it's everyday talk or a disagreement so that's what I always tried to do. I think I got off on a bit of a tangent, but I appreciate your quick response. I know that things will work out either way, and until then all I can do is to keep being myself.

Ingytravel Post #5 October 21,2010, 7:00am

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I'm curious...throughout your post you mention 'hanging out' and the friendship word a lot....Were you two actually dating? As in holding hands, kissing, romance and such?

Did she initiate a lot of the romance and actually 'show' her so called love...not just talking sex...but more as in a real relationship with giving you what want/need...calling to say she is thinking of you...doing caring things for you...grabbing your hand to hold just because...etc...

You talk about all that you did for her...I was wondering what you were getting back..

I just wanted to clarify that first since I don't get much romance 'speak' from your post...and if that wasn't the case...then I would say that she truly saw you as a dependable...dreaded type 'nice guy' but not completely attracted to you in a romantic way...

And even if there was some romance..I am getting that she was having you as a fill in type guy for the time being...until she found someone that she was crazy about...sorry to be blunt...it's just what I am getting from what you wrote...

What age are you both?

I am sorry that this happened...I just think she was never on the same page as you..even though she was throwing out the words of loving you..and wanting to get married...It seems like she is dreaming of those things 'one day'...

Last edited by Ingytravel; October 21,2010 at 7:02am.

Dafearon Post #6 October 21,2010, 7:09am

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My take on this is that this relationship scares her to death. It scares her because the relationship you two have, is unlike any relationship she's ever had in her life.

Add to the mix, her stress of her tests and life and you reach a breaking point. Your relationship is probably a good thing for her, but she feels like she will ruin it if she continues on this path. In all likelihood, given her choices, any choice she makes, in her eyes, will ruin this.

Your situation sounds very familiar to me. Unfortunately, it probably will not have a good end. My situation ended with her regretting her decision to this very day. Its been over 6 years now. Her situation now is probably twice as bad now, than it was before, and it could have been avoided if she stuck with me...maybe. Or it could have been worse and we would not be in contact today.

My advice to you, is to let her go and move on. Be there for her if she needs it, but move on. If you can't do that, then move on. This is her decision, and you can't make her choose in your favor. You can only show you love her and let her decide. It may destroy her, but ultimately it is her choice. Let her make it and live with it the best you can.

MichaelNES13 Post #7 October 21,2010, 7:17am

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Ingytravel wrote :

Sorry Ingy I didn't clarify as much as I should have I guess because I knew it was going to be a long post to begin with. But to answer your question, yes, we were dating. We held hands, we kissed, and were romantic towards each other. She went on a trip to see her new nephew when he was born and while there she sent me texts a lot saying she missed me and couldn't wait to get back home so that she could see me and give me a hug and a kiss. She would send me texts during the days we were working that would say that she was thinking of me and wanted to be in my arms. When we would be driving in my truck she would always reach down and grab my hand and would lean over the center console sometimes and kiss me on the cheek or turn my head and give me a quick kiss on the lips. So yes, my actions were reciprocated a lot. It was never a one sided situation. I am 31 and she is 25.

MichaelNES13 Post #8 October 21,2010, 7:21am

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Dafearon wrote :

Yeah, I understand what you mean and say completely. I have not contacted her because I don't want to beg for a relationship with her, but I also don't want her to feel pressured or anything like that. If she did contact me, I would want it to be because that is what she is feeling inside and what she wants for herself. I tried to gracefully bow out and leave it as I'm here for you, I'll support you in your decisions, and here is what I have to offer and what I'll bring to the relationship, if you want that then you know where to find me.

boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9 October 21,2010, 7:28am

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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, things are not cut and dry with relationships and unless someone comes right out and tells you the real reason, you'll never know the true motivation. And that of course, supposes that the person themselves knows, which may not always be the case. Sometimes people get a preminition they don't want to continue with someone and may not always be able to correlate it to the true reason.

I had something similar happen to me almost a year ago. I had been with my boyfriend for four years. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but overall healthy and great. Things were serious. We spent a lot of our time together and were actively talking about moving in together, with him often initating by sending me apartment listings to view. We had even had conversations because I had considered changing careers and he had let me know if I was interested he was happy to support me while I went through grad school - something I never would have accepted, but saw as a sign of his commitment. Then out of the blue he broke up with me telling me he thought he was never in love with me. Very confusing.

I tell you this story because NOTHING about the breakup made sense. No one - not his friends, my parents, my friends, could give me much insight or an idea of things I had missed. It was the kind of situation I could have analyzed to death. However, I realized early on that I had nothing to gain by searching for reasons. Not only was it unlikely I would ever get 100% the truth, but it wouldn't change the outcome. Instead I decided to focus on turning the situation into an opportunity, learning from it, and focusing on the things I knew I could do differently. It honestly turned out to be a great learning experience and I feel like I have had the opportunity to grow and find strength that I never would have known was there without the breakup. Yes the situation sounds odd and confusing but rather than focusing on getting answers I would focus on moving forward, which it sounds like you are already doing anyway and is the right decision.

Raw_Truth Post #10 October 21,2010, 7:45am

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She gave you a variation on the good ole "it's not you, it's me" BS line about being too busy and not being able to give you attention, etc.

She got upset because you essentially (and correctly IMO) called her out - people HATE getting taken to task when trying to white-lie their way out of an awkward situation.

More than likely she got caught up in the affair without realizing she didn't have romantic feelings for you; it in effect came to a head and she couldn't be honest about it.

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