Concerned about moving too slow... should I do something?


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lillypad78 is offline lillypad78 Post #1  October 20,2010, 12:24am
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I've been dating a guy I met online for about 5 weeks now. Been on 5 awesome dates (including the first "quick" meeting for drinks). I knew that with online dating, he was probably seeing other women too, so I tried to not bother him, only responding to his contact, initiating maybe only once.

In the beginning, he tried to call me once a week, but since we both have crazy schedules it was hard to catch each other. So now he just texts, but they're usually 1 sentence, close ended texts about a possible next date. He has never cancelled, never flaked and is quite dependable.

The dates have been wonderful, but the momentum has definitely been lost. Now, while I still look forward to seeing him, I am also okay with not, whereas in the beginning U absolutely could not wait to see him again. So I have a couple questions:

1. Is this something I could bring up to him, maybe something he's too shy to bring up?

2. Could he just have so many options that I'm one of many?

3. Have you ever been in a relationship that started off at an incredibly slow pace?

Btw, he is a successful chiropractor and admits that he can possibly be "boring", extremely logical and seems a bit shy (mentioned he was a nerd in high school, too). Just wanted to add that so you know a little of his personality and if that has anything to do with the pacing of the dating so far.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  October 20,2010, 4:46am
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5 weeks, 5 dates, texts only now.
2) busy / so many options.
You sound as indifferent as he does , Just fizzling out?
lillypad78 wrote :
I've been dating a guy I met online for about 5 weeks now. Been on 5 awesome dates

. So now he just texts, but they're usually 1 sentence, close ended texts about a possible next date.


1. Is this something I could bring up to him, maybe something he's too shy to bring up?

2. Could he just have so many options that I'm one of many?

3. Have you ever been in a relationship that started off at an incredibly slow pace?
.
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #3  October 20,2010, 4:58am
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Yeah, sounds like you're pretty indifferent about it also. Seems like old history now. He's a good date and I guess that's what he'll stay.


I have to say, though, sometimes us guys don't read the signals right and we have to be slapped upside the head with a 2x4. If you feel like initiating... DO IT!!!! We LOVE that!! I'm somewhat old fashioned, but I also like knowing when my date is interested also. Don't go overboard with it. Don't send a bunch of texts without a response, etc. Just have fun with it all.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  October 20,2010, 7:21am
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First off I don't believe in the "crazy schedules" and "too busy" stuff. If you are interested then you make time, PERIOD!!!

But more to the point of your post / question. YOU let this fizzle through your non-committal actions. By your unwillingness to step up and be an active participant in the relationship you sent messages that you were not all that interested. There is probably little that you could do to salvage this relationship so you may as well let it go. Step back and review why you became so lackadaisical about this relationship and learn from it.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #5  October 20,2010, 7:31am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
First off I don't believe in the "crazy schedules" and "too busy" stuff. If you are interested then you make time, PERIOD!!!

But more to the point of your post / question. YOU let this fizzle through your non-committal actions. By your unwillingness to step up and be an active participant in the relationship you sent messages that you were not all that interested. There is probably little that you could do to salvage this relationship so you may as well let it go. Step back and review why you became so lackadaisical about this relationship and learn from it.
Yer gettin' tough in your old age.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #6  October 20,2010, 7:40am
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tweet37 wrote :
Yer gettin' tough in your old age.
LOL...

wrote :
I look inside myself and see my heart is black


Good signature line, though..he's honest about it.
 
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numbertheorist is offline numbertheorist Post #7  October 20,2010, 8:24am
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Communicate your interest.

By not bothering him, you appear disinterested. So if you like him and want to see him, tell him!

Good luck!
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  October 20,2010, 8:30am
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I think it's natural for the momentum to shift as you date. Sometimes it shifts in a positive direction where you become more and more giddy about the person other times you find that the excitement that was there on first or second dates doesn't carry through.

As the other posters have said, I think you have to decide how interested you are in getting the momentum back. Is it fizzling just because his communication is sporatic and you are taking a lead or is it fizzling because in your heart your not that interested either?

If it's just the former there's no reason why you couldn't reach out to him in a way that to you, feels like it builds more of a momentum. If you'd prefer phone conversations over texts, call him. If you'd like to see him more often, suggest a date at a more regular interval. I've always been a busy person but if I really like someone I always manage to make time. Sometimes it's just sneaking in a quick coffee or prioritizing the date over other obligations. I get that you're purposefully wating for him to make moves to not appear clingy or needy, but I've honestly done a lot of the initating in the past and have never been accused of either. I you could be a little more communicative and probably be fine.

As is often said around here, nothing ventured nothing gained.
 
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lillypad78 is offline lillypad78 Post #9  October 20,2010, 9:02am
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I definitely like him. His morals and personality are great and he's very attractive (to me anyway). I guess because we've only been dating 5 weeks I'm very hesitant to come off needy. He has also mentioned a girl that he dated for two months wanted to spend more time with him and he just couldn't do it, so he ended it. So I've definitely been holding back, but could I be holding back too much, or is he comfortable with this pace? I guess for me, I'm learning to be patient and not impulsive, so that's good for me.

The one time I've initiated conversation, he text me back right away. But I don't want to push it. I don't want to end up like that other girl. I really think this guy is great!
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  October 20,2010, 9:12am
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I think only you can know it you're holding back too much. It's considerate to factor in the other person's dating style and what they have told you about themselves, but my sense is that you're probably being much more vigilent about it than you need to be. Given that you asked about it here and are feeling like the momentum is being lost, you probably need to come up with a bit more of a compromise that respects your need to grow the relationship and have communication as well as his need for a little space.

Unless you're taking it to the extreme of neediness, my general experience is that when too much contact causes someone to break up with their date it usually has to do more with the fact that underneath it all, they are less into that person than that person is to them. So actually it's more about underlying feelings and less about frequency of communication. Of course there are also extremes where someone is VERY clingy and that is certainly to be avoided, but my sense is you're not quite there. I am definitely usually the more independent one in my relationship and as long as someone is not taking it to the extreme, if I am into them, I love regular communication and welcome it.

Not saying you have to swing to the other extreme of being needy and overly available, but you could probably stand to initiate more. Besides, if you have to be so cautious in order to maintain the relationship is that really the relationship that would make you feel satisfied in the long term? Is the current pace going to be enough for you to feel satisfied?
 
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