When you have to juggle (multiple date)


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YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #1  October 19,2010, 4:18pm
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I admit I'm not very good at dating several people at the same time. I'm really the type that enjoys focusing on one person better. When I meet people in my day-to-day life this is normally how it goes, but with online dating there are just so many more people I'm dating at a time.

And I'm an eHa newbie, so I'm facing this for the first time.

I'm currently dating 3 people, and there are 3 more moving through the stages of communication. I'm not sure what to do. How long do you think dating someone is enough to get a good sense of them to be able to decide either way to continue or not? I don't want to base who I keep seeing on comparison with the others but that seems to be inevitable. I clearly have a favorite, but until I see him more and know he isn't going to poof, I don't want to let go of the others. However, it doesn't seem right to keep others around just because I'm not sure about the first. I think there is one match I should just cut free now, but the other one I'm not sure about. I'd only be going on the second date with him so I'm not too concerned, but if it goes to the third or fourth date I'd get uncomfortable that I'm leading him on.

What's your take on this? How do you manage multi-dating and do it in a way that is respectful to everyone involved?
 
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RebornInFire is offline RebornInFire Post #2  October 19,2010, 4:24pm
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YellowUmbrella wrote :
I admit I'm not very good at dating several people at the same time. I'm really the type that enjoys focusing on one person better. When I meet people in my day-to-day life this is normally how it goes, but with online dating there are just so many more people I'm dating at a time.

And I'm an eHa newbie, so I'm facing this for the first time.

I'm currently dating 3 people, and there are 3 more moving through the stages of communication. I'm not sure what to do. How long do you think dating someone is enough to get a good sense of them to be able to decide either way to continue or not? I don't want to base who I keep seeing on comparison with the others but that seems to be inevitable. I clearly have a favorite, but until I see him more and know he isn't going to poof, I don't want to let go of the others. However, it doesn't seem right to keep others around just because I'm not sure about the first. I think there is one match I should just cut free now, but the other one I'm not sure about. I'd only be going on the second date with him so I'm not too concerned, but if it goes to the third or fourth date I'd get uncomfortable that I'm leading him on.

What's your take on this? How do you manage multi-dating and do it in a way that is respectful to everyone involved?
First, turn off matching! If you are getting that much action, you can't handle anymore and it's not fair to the guys who get you as a match because you are occupied.

Chances are, the other guys are going to lose interest due to your slow playing them while checking out Mr. Might-Be-Right--so only communicate with one or two at a time if that is all you can handle.

One more thing..if you cut a guy loose, close him. Don't just stop communicating with him and hope he goes away.
Last edited by RebornInFire; October 19,2010 at 4:26pm.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  October 19,2010, 4:40pm
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YellowUmbrella wrote :
How long do you think dating someone is enough to get a good sense of them to be able to decide either way to continue or not?

Most of mine I give up on in the first meeting (my meetings are at least long dinners, so three hours of conversation.)

If I keep her past that, it tends to be for awhile, until I learn enough that there's a problem.

Often, though, circumstance is the end of my relationships - moving for jobs or schools, ended mine.


YellowUmbrella wrote :
I don't want to base who I keep seeing on comparison with the others but that seems to be inevitable.

Good of you to be honest over it.

Men know they are being compared. As long as you tell no lies, I think you can pull this off, briefly.


YellowUmbrella wrote :
I clearly have a favorite, but until I see him more and know he isn't going to poof, I don't want to let go of the others. However, it doesn't seem right to keep others around just because I'm not sure about the first.

Personally, if I caught wind of this I would dump a woman if I was either guy in this scenario (and I would, since you would not be available - and probably make up a bad excuse.)

Being strung along is a deal-breaker.


YellowUmbrella wrote :
What's your take on this? How do you manage multi-dating and do it in a way that is respectful to everyone involved?

By being honest, and scrupulously sharing all costs.

I won't do it, though. I'd rather meet one person at a time, and give her a chance.

The one thing I don't want to do, is chase more than one person, spread myself too thin (or be found out), and then lose all the people.
 
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YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #4  October 19,2010, 4:46pm
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Oh yeah I turned off matching a few days back. And when I mean cutting people loose.. all the people I'm talking about I've already met so just closing them wouldn't be enough. I'd call them.

As for those in communication, I'd write them then close them.

Yeah this is tricky. I don't want to string anyone along and I'd hate to be strung along, but I did read one thread where a woman was in OC with 4, met 1 and was enthralled so she closed the other 3. Then the first guy poofed or something.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #5  October 19,2010, 4:53pm

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YellowUmbrella wrote :

Yeah this is tricky. I don't want to string anyone along and I'd hate to be strung along, but I did read one thread where a woman was in OC with 4, met 1 and was enthralled so she closed the other 3. Then the first guy poofed or something.
I think that happens a lot so turning off matching is a good strategy for that so your possibles don't get lost in the shuffle. It is just a longer process that way.

I turn on matching for a day or two and then I turn it off and just work with that bunch. This way would also be a good indicator of how much you like the guys. If you meet a few of them for a first meet and are inclined to turn matching back on then that is probably a pretty good sign that they are just not going to do it for you. Or at least I think it would.

My concern is what my date is going to think when the question comes up if I am seeing anyone else. I am not concerned that I will look desperate or needy (lol!) but I am concerned that he may take it as an indication that I am more into him than my answer means.

Dating - don't you love it!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  October 19,2010, 5:00pm
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YellowUmbrella wrote :
Yeah this is tricky. I don't want to string anyone along and I'd hate to be strung along, but I did read one thread where a woman was in OC with 4, met 1 and was enthralled so she closed the other 3. Then the first guy poofed or something.

I try to figure probability and magnitude of each possible outcome, in order to calculate the optimal decision - because I know LizziePooh!!! especially likes this about me.

You have to weigh the risk of the best guy deciding you're not good enough, against the risk of suitable guys liking you enough to learn more - right up until they find that you're not equally invested in them.

Although poofers annoy me, I don't like to sabotage my own ship.
 
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YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #7  October 19,2010, 5:01pm
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I think holding on to anyone past date 3 is stringing them along. And that's only based on how I'd feel in the reverse situation. The reason I don't decide on date 1 is I have a tendency to make strong first impression which I then want to test to see if it was accurate. I don't want to just jump the gun and decide based on one meeting. Hell, I've had bad days where I've not been myself on a first date and have been so glad the guy was willing to see me again.

I think ultimately I have to treat each person like I'm seeing only him. Really try to ditch the comparisons since I don't think that is fair either, and see how things go. If I think of him as the only guy on the planet and think "I am not sure about him" then I have my answer. Let him go.
Last edited by YellowUmbrella; October 19,2010 at 5:03pm. Reason: wording
 
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Pilgrim007 is offline Pilgrim007 Post #8  October 19,2010, 5:03pm
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YellowUmbrella wrote :
I admit I'm not very good at dating several people at the same time. I'm really the type that enjoys focusing on one person better. When I meet people in my day-to-day life this is normally how it goes, but with online dating there are just so many more people I'm dating at a time.

And I'm an eHa newbie, so I'm facing this for the first time.

I'm currently dating 3 people, and there are 3 more moving through the stages of communication. I'm not sure what to do. How long do you think dating someone is enough to get a good sense of them to be able to decide either way to continue or not? I don't want to base who I keep seeing on comparison with the others but that seems to be inevitable. I clearly have a favorite, but until I see him more and know he isn't going to poof, I don't want to let go of the others. However, it doesn't seem right to keep others around just because I'm not sure about the first. I think there is one match I should just cut free now, but the other one I'm not sure about. I'd only be going on the second date with him so I'm not too concerned, but if it goes to the third or fourth date I'd get uncomfortable that I'm leading him on.

What's your take on this? How do you manage multi-dating and do it in a way that is respectful to everyone involved?
I am not a good multi dater either .

I do believe that it is a must to be fully honest. The moment you think he may just be a friend that’s it and you need to have the friend talk. No one wants rejection and the friend talk is rejection. Think about sitting across the table from the guy you thought might be the one (let’s say he is your current favorite) and he gives you the friend speech. It isn’t fun but it is like ripping off a band aid. It is best done quickly.

As for comparison it can’t be helped. Most women I have dated or had as friend HATED being compared to anyone. Never let these get into the open. I have seen too many of my friends go down in flames over this type of boorish behavior.

I don’t want to start the who pays thread again but I value time more than money. Paying is a part of the generation I grew up with. On the other hand I despise any who would just assume that you knew that she only wanted friendship. Life is too short for this and even though it may cost you a friend you have an obligation to tell him if he is out of the running. IMHO
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  October 19,2010, 5:12pm
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I have never had more than two that actually made it to the meeting in person stage at the same time. But even then I would be able to determine which one I wanted to focus on within a couple of dates.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  October 19,2010, 5:18pm
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Pilgrim007 wrote :
As for comparison it can’t be helped.

Most women I have dated or had as friend HATED being compared to anyone.

I've noted this too.

Men accept - and sometimes enjoy - competition.

Women, not so much ... which only makes those who do, stand out more.
 
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